It happened again. When you think a desperate lawyer has finally realized that he can’t behave like trash online and will mend his ways, he manages to find a new, as yet unplumbed depth of poor choices. Florida lawyer, Gary Ostrow, has had his struggles with some very bad personal choices.
But if Patrick Zarrelli is any indication, then Ostrow has gone from very bad to monumentally idiotic. Zarrelli claims to be handling Ostrow’s reputation management, which is apparently his latest effort to make a buck following the crash and burn of his curious attempt to wear big boy pants by publishing something called the South Florida Chronicle. One disaster foretells the next.
The South Florida Chronicle, a monthly straight magazine that was infrequently distributed in South Florida, has bit the dust.
Its owner, Patrick Zarelli, also known as ‘Kid Chronic,’ announced Saturday they have stopped publishing. Its last issue was a combined June/July, product, awkward for a monthly, but consistent with their amorphous Facebook theme that they publish, “when we feel like it.”
‘Kid Chronic’ had bragged that he posted 4,000 blogs with “2.5 million views,” which was “all in day’s work.”
With one failure firmly in hand, Kid Chronic doubles down:
Zarelli declared on Monday “the South Florida Chronicle has shut down completely.” He intends, however, to reincorporate “as a new company with a whole new concept.”
Further indicating that he has “no money, does not own a home, or even a car,” Zarelli scoffed at the thought of being sued for past debts, noting, “the company doesn’t exist anymore,” and “doesn’t even have a bank account.”
His next scheme? Print Killer Media and Dependable Website Management, offering a fascinating service:
Combative management takes steps to fight back against poor reviews by flooding the internet with positive reviews of your company. Even though negative statements cannot be erased, we can make them almost impossible to find, buried under glowing positivity and reviews that will bring customers flocking to you. We’ll push those negative results straight from the first page of search results into places that no one will ever look.
It would make perfect sense that Gary Ostrow, fresh off his latest bout of discipline, would find someone like Kid Chronic to “fix” his reputation problems.
When Zarrelli called and launched into his pitch of his mad internet skillz and how I would have to take down posts about Ostrow or face his wrath, a bar discipline complaint, I told him to “go for it, asswipe.” My tolerance for stupid is limited these days.*
Apparently, after I hung up on him, he called Dan Hull (who called to share his fun trolling this kid, who informed Hull that he was going to destroy his firm) and Mark Bennett, threatening him as well with a grievance if he didn’t succumb to Zarrelli’s overwhelming power. Bennett was unimpressed, and responded in the finest tradition of the James Bailey.
Anyway, Gary, I thought you’d like to know that some stupid asshole calling himself Patrick Zarrelli is going around trying to fuck up your reputation while claiming to be your agent. Despite the judgment errors in your past (which are legion—we all make mistakes), I doubt that you are dumb enough to hire this Zarrelli character to try to push me around.
Are you, Gary?
But Zarrelli, apparently realizing that he had yet to prove himself worthy, decided to double down with me, so he called and left me a message.
Damn thoughtful of him (with his 20 million readers, plus the 252 people who follow him on the twitters) to give me this second chance. [Here’s a transcript of the voicemail, if you’re not into easy listening]. After all, he was the runt of a family of “high powered lawyers,” like “Giuliani’s right-hand man,” Michael Zarrelli. For such a high profile lawyer, related to a reputation management ninja like Patrick, it’s not entirely clear who he is. Then again, he’s probably unaware that the family runt is throwing his name around.
Zarrelli’s bad day made him sad enough to take to Facebook (edit: he’s deleted his FB post, but fortunately, Tim Cushing was kind enough to archive it) for a tummy rub.
These attorneys who I will later mention later in an extensive piece on all our websites were rude, cocky and arrogant. Even though they know what they are doing is wrong, dark, and unethical. Because in the real world they have a better understand of our complex laws and can use that to their advantage to bully people.
However on the internet, this means absolutely nothing, since the internet essentially is governed by no one. Moreover the internet is one of the most well documented places on the planet, and if you know how to read the code you can track and map out anything. So I honestly cant wait to see the look on these guys faces when I map out this internet advertising scam and send it to all the state bars they are admitted in.
These guys think their little legal blogs were so great they could cyber bully my client. But now the real internet hero is on the case, and my sites get in a day, the traffic, their sites get in a year combined. Not to mention the other 80 clients blogs I manage. I can literally publish articles about them 100 websites at a time.
Cool, you real internet hero. So could this kid really be the person Gary Ostrow turned to? Is this pompous pimple going to save Ostrow from his stream of really bad decisions, or is this just one more monumentally stupid choice?
Cyber bullying is always fun, till a bigger bully comes along, so watch your step lawyers.
Sigh. The idiot children with their bully talk. Well, the least I can do is clarify for Zarrelli’s sake the outcome of his efforts. As is my way whenever someone demands that I cleanse the SJ of stuff that makes them sad, and threatens me with whatever nonsense they think is going to scare me, I try my best to make my position clear: Bite me, asshole.
Update: Did Ostrow really hire this dweeb as his white knight? Bennett asked and Ostrow answered, with his usual humility.
“You have no fucking idea what’s coming your way, my friend. Have a nice fucking life.” —Ostrow, when asked to confirm that Zarrelli was his
— Mark W. Bennett (@MarkWBennett) October 30, 2015
*Zarrelli claimed that he recorded the telephone call. I suspect this was just more bullshit, but if he did, the least he could do is send me a copy so I can add it in. Got enough butter for the popcorn?
Wow. That phone message makes him sound like a real badass.
Excuse me, I meant dumbass. I haven’t had enough coffee yet.
Hey, it’s not like I said I ever suffered fools gladly.
Or at all.
Honestly, if you just installed a ‘get popcorn’ button at the top of this blog you could triple your income easily.
I would if I could figure out a delivery method.
Not only would I be forced to also file a bar complaint against you here in Texas…er…I mean where you are in NY, for unethical trading of foodstuffs for clients, but I would also have to file an FDA complaint for serving popcorn that has been tainted with the bullshit of someone like Zarrelli, since there would be no way to guarantee that my popcorn dispenser could “read the code” to separate his drivel from the actual food.
(Seriously, once he “reads all the code”? Its one thing to claim to be able to do something that you aren’t smart enough to realize can’t be done, but its another to be IN the website business and then make such a moronic threat. Note for Zarrelli: once you “weave all the code together” to find my identity and location, please drop by for a swift kick to the nuts.)
And the FDA guys have guns, you know. I take for granted that it’s kinda obvious to everyone that he’s talking gibberish, and certainly wouldn’t insult the devs here by explaining techno-nonsense to them.
No, everything he said sounded totally legit. You luddite lawyers simply don’t understand the breadth and scope of the destruction that people like Patrick Zarrelli can rain down on your puny slice of internet. If you knew anything at all about his impressive blogs per day of work, you would back off. These things never turn out well for you…
Yeah, I’ll take my chances.
This is better than Jerry Springer and Dr Phil put together.
I’m thinking more Barney the Dinosaur.
Watching this since last night has been monumentally painful. This guy is a Class A loon.
I’m still finding all types of nonsense he’s left all over the web.
There was just way too much stupid to fit into one post. Zarrelli is a bottomless pit of shit, which always speaks well of someone selling reputation management.
Nice of Patrick to offer up “improving” your blawg.
P.S. Although you should literally print and mail a quarterly zine that highlights the “above and beyond” post drafts that remain out of reach of your front page insistent on liner logic as well as all the “dastardly dangerous” pieces that never make the cut at SJ headquarters before your front pages seep into the corners of the galaxy, including seven out of ten district court judges, at least two of the Supremes, and every prosecutor in the land except a few hundred or so.
You could charge one hundred and twenty five bucks for a yearly subscription too (which you would get in the multiplies of hundreds of thousands, if you were to include lots of exclusive cartoons and other various assorted “artsy” stuff as well as some ads for one or two on my new ventures alongside some other various mail order classics made new again that only the smell of ink can do justice to).
But anyway, I would be very displease if you were to “improve” SJ.
I can roll with and actually appreciate the addition of Black on Pink and various other tweaks but the thought of you going with some of these new blog formats would be a very troubling development…and if this were to ever happen I might have to blame Patrick for planting some subconscious something or other in you.
Meanwhile Patrick, I encourage you to keep doubling down with your efforts to set the esteemed one & company straight (I think that Bennett guy has horns that he has to put fairy dust on to keep them in check and the esteemed one is rumored to put Vicks Vapor Rub on his balls, which are the size of bagels, when his editor is out of town) because as you know all “high powered” lawyers need to set their submissive side free now and then and these two in particular are making more than a few folks look bad for no other reason than to satisfy the feelz they have for their balls and horns.
But whatever you do Patrick, don’t offer to “improve” the SJ format again. These sorts of suggestions could involve butter and you really don’t want to know about me and dairy products, especially butter.
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I didn’t realize that was his actual Twitterverse picture
You can’t make this stuff up. Truth is far, far stranger than fiction.
But he has 255 followers on Twitter. If that isn’t true clout, what is?!?
He’s got 19 friends on Facebook too. Don’t underestimate his juice.
Now he has 262 twitter followers. You’re juicing him.
Don’t know what’s worse, the voicemail or that photo. Sadly, I can picture some lawyers paying him for his “services.” Please post an update with a new voicemail should he leave another one. Please, please, please.
I don’t suspect he’ll be calling me again, but he did call Brian Tannebaum late last night.
Dear Mr. Greenfield:
I am an extremely famous Hollywood celebrity in need of legal representation in the State of Florida. Another extremely famous celebrity (in the music business, but I think that still counts) recommended that I contact Gary Ostrow, Esq. But my Google search led me to your page. Would you kindly provide me with Attorney Ostrow’s telephone number, so that I may retain him for my case? I estimate billings to be in the hundreds of thousands of dollars, so I am hopeful he will take time out of his busy schedule to enter an appearance in my case.
You’re very lucky then that he’s now taking on cases of famous celebrities. I don’t have his phone number, but I’m pretty sure it’s in the yellow pages.
I don’t have his phone number, but I’m pretty sure it’s in his daytime TV commercials during All My Children.
I’ll be damned. You’re right.
The best part? I just assumed he had one, didn’t even go look. Classic. I’m gonna guess this one runs during daytime on the CW and BET, not All My Children on ABC.
Lame commercial. He needs to talk to the Texas Law Hawk.
Nice to see the two of you have so much in common:
2) Can’t afford a dot com, so stooped to buying the dot us to save a few bux
At least this guy can afford a toll-free number that spells something catchy.
Honestly I really love it when someone threatens you, especially a non-attorney. Your responses are priceless.
Hey, that’s unfair. When I started SJ, the dot com wasn’t available so I had to pick one of the others.
I enjoy the part of the commercial where he’s making an argument to the jury. Except the judge isn’t on the bench and it looks completely staged.
Now’s about the time that a good lip reader could really push this thing over the edge by telling us what Gary’s saying.
I’ve seen and heard a lot of people like this guy. The shtick actually works with many more people than you would think it would, because far too many people subconsciously assume that confidence is backed with competence.
I can’t imagine it getting very far in most courts of law, though. We need a new term that conflates the Peter Principle and Dunning-Kruger. Kruger-Dun-Petered-Out?
My friend Rachel from Blogholder Services said she is trying to call you with this important message:
Improving your blawg’s reputation
needs my deep and profound cogitation.
For my personal advice
at a great bargain price,
you must promise no defenestration!
Such a nice, gal, Rachel. Not good with answering questions, but otherwise compelling.
“my family is riddled with high-end lawyers…”
Now, THERE’S a turn of phrase.
Much like one might be riddled with disease…
I’d’ve used the evocative “raddled,” but whatevs.
Some might say “infested”…
His pitch of his mad internet skillz on Facebook seems to have gone missing. Cleanup in isle three.
I love how he “believes” something is illegal therefor it is illegal. How adorable.
I wonder if his pitch to Ostrow was that he could make him, in effect, the next Barbara Streisand.
If so, he earned his fee.
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Wow. This kid is truly pathetic. His “company” Dependable Website Management advertises graphic design services, but a Google Image reverse lookup reveals that his graphics are stolen from other websites. This video gives you an idea of the asswipe’s mad skillz. His webcam is set to mirror mode so you can’t read the promotional materials he holds up. A truly sad specimen.
That video scares beyond belief. I may have to take it off as it’s just too awful to bear.
Your’re just jealous that he has his own nation.
Separately, it just occurred to me that the math is likely the reason he hasn’t commented yet.
I literally am dumber for having watched that.
+1 on the math bot check being why he hasn’t commented here yet….that and he is busy weaving all the code together to find out who we all really are. (Hint for Kid Chronic Diabetes: I have never passed the bar, live in Texas, and own many guns)
Kid Chronic?!? This guy is 36 years old and he calls himself “Kid Chronic.”
Interestingly (IMO), Kid Chronic “cyber bullies” some business person on his own website.
This “Kid’s” threats and conduct are so precious, PLEASE let there be MORE, MORE, MORE!
And he cribbed his website’s content from jumpem.com. “Cribbed” being more polite than “copied word-for-word”, but less accurate. Truly, mad (or perhaps “leet”) skillz.
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We know its you Pat, I mean Jack…lol just too much.
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Patrick Zarrelli is a local conman who has been fleecing local businesses for years, as well as not paying his former employees, printers, graphic artists or anyone else he owed money to. His claims about his family are hysterical. The truth is his father did seven years for cocaine trafficking in upstate New York and unfortunately his mother was the town drunk in Gloversville NY. It’s good to see that his karma has caught up to him. The editors at Miami and Broward New Times will get a huge kick out of these blogs. He attacked them years ago with the same empty threats