Ah, summer in East Tennessee is wondrous. Families pour into Gatlinburg and the Smoky Mountains for excursions to the National Parks, Splash Country and Dollywood. Concerts kick off in Knoxville with artists like Luke Combs selling out Neyland Stadium.

And in Pigeon Forge, shoppers comb the outlet malls for the best deals while attempting to avoid the stares of the coked-up Kangaroo Man.

In case you’re in a hurry or missing your sense of sight, allow me to narrate. The above is a video of a man who looks likely in the midst of ‘roid rage and crystal meth approaching someone in an aggressive fashion while walking like an over muscled kangaroo.

Kangaroo Man, as we’ll refer to the unnamed subject, tells our intrepid videographer that he will “fuck him up,” and then proceeds to back away while maintaining his completely non-intimidating posture around two crying children.

KM’s wife or significant other then tells the videographer to get out of his “fucking car now” and asks why he was following the foursome. Our camera guy says something to the effect of “I think you need to get ahold of him,” while the woman I’ll call “Mrs. KM” attempts to stop her man from flying off the handle again.

All this drama set to the sounds of KM’s children crying and begging their dad to stop this foolishness. Which the camera guy points out.

I have so many questions, dear friends.

First, I know this shopping mart in Pigeon Forge. It’s a goddamn strip mall. Why is Kangaroo Man so hostile in the Nike Store parking area? Was there a sale on Air Force Ones wrapped in gold and did they come with free blowjobs for life?

Next to mind is the fact this cat is clearly hangry. No well-fed person is going to act like this. Did someone forget to give this man a sandwich from Chik-Fil-A before we all went shopping? I hope a lesson has been learned and we watch this guy’s blood sugar now before attempting to send him on a hunt for the best deals in the area.

Never go shopping hungry. It always ends poorly for everyone involved.

Why did he decide to walk up to someone like that? His fucking hands are down. If you’re going to beat someone’s ass, wouldn’t you approach them with your hands raised? All the guy with the camera had to do was sock him once in the throat and he’d back down pretty damn quickly. Easy target too with his hands down next to his crotch like that.

Why did Mrs. KM decide cursing at the camera guy was so important? What purpose would it serve for him to get out of his vehicle and possibly escalate the already poor situation into something that might require police presence?

And lastly, let’s not forget the kids who are completely without any form of sound parental support here. Both kids have probably seen their dad pop off before by the scared looks on their faces and the tears. What made confronting the camera guy with your shirt off and hurling profanities worth it? And why did your significant other think continuing to escalate this conflict in front of your clearly disturbed children was a good idea?

At any rate, what looks like a dispute over a parking space is now the stuff of viral internet video legend. It’s unlikely Kangaroo Man will see this, but if he does: Bravo sir. I hope the thirty seconds of machismo posturing were worth the trauma you caused your kids.

To the rest of you: Happy weekend, enjoy yourselves, and make sure when you visit my neck of the woods you don’t stare too long at the Kangaroo Man.

Because you know what they say: Gaze long enough at the Kangaroo Man and eventually he’ll gaze back.

Then he’ll march over to your car and threaten to fuck YOU up.

Until next time!