Jimmy Breslin, commentator extraordinaire at every newspaper in New York at one time or another, coined a term for his wife, Ronnie Eldridge, a New York City council member.  Jimmy called her an “Official Woman.” 

An “Official Woman” was someone who elevated the rules above all else.  She was a grocery clerk with a list, and if it wasn’t on the list, it didn’t exist.  She would put on an official voice and pronounce things.  Her chest would suddenly swell with self-importance as she would dictate the way things had to be done, and how they could not possibly be done any other way, because those were the rules.  She couldn’t think outside the box; She was the box.  There was no arguing with the official woman because she was right, about everything, and anyone who thought otherwise was wrong.  Of this, she was absolutely certain.

And while the term was “Official woman,” it applied to all regardless of sex.  Or age.  Or stature.  We all know people like this.  Some readers of this post ARE people like this, but they won’t realize it, because they are “Official Women.” 

Even though I am posting, I’m really sitting on the beach in Montauk, reflecting on my dealings yesterday with the “Official Woman” in charge of petty matters at Gurneys Inn.  A simple matter where their staff made a stupid mistake became a major problem because of the intervention of an “Official Woman.”  She wasn’t actually involved in the matter, but couldn’t stop herself from intervening because she was an “Official Woman.”  Now that I’ve used the phrase enough to burn it into everyone’s conscienceness, I’ll move on.

In every “system” like criminal justice, we deal constantly with the “Official Woman.”  Getting anything done requires us to do so, and dealing with them is part of our job.  They are like a roadblock, created by the system to assure that nothing intelligent or useful happens easily.  Instead of solving problems, they are the problems and demand that you pay homage to them before your task can be completed.  Whether it is filing a paper, or seeing a file, they cling to the most rigid application of their rules as if it was the very air they need to survive. 

In law, there is an expression for this:  Remember the rubric and forget the rationale.  It is the comfort of the ignorant.  It is bureaucracy’s way of putting us in our place.  It is the vengeance of the system.

So how should we do it?  The first reaction is to try to engage them in a rational discussion.   This is invariably a total failure.  They don’t discuss rationally.  They have rules.  There is no discussing the rules.  The rules are the rules.  While we know that there are reasons behind the rules, they do not.  The rules are the reasons in themselves.  If they want 3 copies in black ink, then that’s what you must give them.  Not 2, not 4.  Not gray ink nor blue. 

The next inclination is to reach out and strangle them for being so mindless.  But this too won’t help.  Someone will always stop you before you complete the job, and they will just be angrier (they are always angry, unless and until you have told them how wonderful they are and what a great job they are doing with their clipboard). 

You can always get into an argument with them, which will inevitably grow louder in short order as your frustration with their intransigence grows.  But they will win, because they are wrapped in their rules and self-importance with shields them from anything you might say.  You will naturally lose this argument, because you understand the pointlessness of arguing with a wall.  And when you give up, the official woman will glare at your smugly, knowing that she was right, as she always is, proven by your giving up your foolish persistence.

Ultimately, you must do as the “Official Woman” demands.  But that’s not the end of my saga.  There is one person who is always capable of reigning in the “Official Woman.”  You see, official women are rarely at the top; They are clerks, middle-managers, who serve someone.  You need to identify the individual at the top, who (like you) has the capacity to think and understand that the official woman does not. 

You can talk to this person, and they will deal with you like a human being.  They will help you.  They understand that the rules are means to and end, not the end itself.  If you find this person, they will tell the Official Woman to accomplish the task, and she will comply.  Because whatever this person says becomes the rule, and the Official Woman must follow the rules or die.

There is only one flaw to this path of accomplishing whatever task you are trying to accomplish.  You will eventually have to come back and deal with the official woman again, and she will hate you forever for having managed to do so without having succumbed to her authority.  Imagine how much easier and better life would be without official women.  It will never happen.