If there’s an area where I consider myself a bit of an expert, it’s in grocery store etiquette. I’m the least offensive person in the grocery store. This is a point of pride for me.

My skills in this field developed, strangely enough, around the COVID years where everyone in the grocery business went batshit crazy attempting to control one’s behavior by posting arrows demanding one only traverse in a particular direction down an aisle to select food items for purchase. During these years I perfected my technique of getting in and out of a grocery store in less than three minutes from entrance to exit.

It probably saved my life on more than one occasion.

But I digress. My local Kroger’s changing their aisles in an attempt to give shoppers a “fresh” experience, so it’s time to revisit what I believe are the most important rules of etiquette with regards to grocery shopping. No need to thank me; this is practically a public service announcement now.

First, you will use only the plastic baskets or the small carts when you go to the grocery store. You’re not a glutton. We’re here for the essentials, not for spending as much money on shit as possible. Plus the small cart and basket allow you to move in and out of grocery aisles far more easily than the large cart does.

Lists are important. You will consult your list exactly three times while grocery shopping: once before you enter the store, once before checkout, and once when you get to your car. You will not pull out your list and randomly check off items while shopping. That’s moron behavior. You can memorize your list and check off items after you’ve shopped.

As far as checkouts go, you’re using the self-checkout. We’re not here to make small talk with the help. We’re buying food items and toiletries. That’s it. No need to chat with Gloria in the process.

When it comes to meat and fish purchases, you are permitted to visit the store’s fish monger and meat gentleman to discuss your purchases. They can’t give you what you want unless you ask, after all.  Same goes for the deli section. All of these folks are hard workers and don’t want to participate in small talk with you, so put your order in and move on.

Speaking of small talk, the grocery store is not for conversing with your neighbors. They have shit to do just like you and you’ll see them later. Say hello if you must. Definitely acknowledge their presence. Just don’t go into great detail about your life in the aisle where frozen breakfast items are stored. That’s weird.

You see the prices that are listed? They’re not going to change in the next ten minutes, so please cease the horrendous practice of aimlessly staring at items as through if you concentrate hard enough the costs will drop. Never happened. Never will. Now when it comes to these Walmart grocery areas with the digital price tags, I can’t be so sure. I don’t shop at those places. Have you seen who goes to Walmart lately?

If your local grocery store is big enough, there’s a good chance it’ll have a fuel center where you can exchange loyalty points for savings at the gas pump. I cannot stress enough that you must take advantage of this, especially in today’s environment. Those dollars you spend at the actual store will help you get legitimately cheaper gas prices than anywhere else. Yes, you’ll have to sign up for their stupid loyalty card. Yes, you’ll give them some of your information. It beats paying $4.50 a gallon.

Avoid grocery store free sample areas. You don’t know where that person handing you the paper cup of popped M&Ms has been. Even if they’re wearing gloves. Have you seen these people and where they work?

In a new twist for 2026, I now officially recommend people stop using the plastic grocery store bags if you can help it. They’ve been recycled so many times they are basically useless for holding anything now. Best to suck it up, invest in a couple of reusable grocery bags and go from there now. Hey, it’s got the added bonus of being environmentally friendly! You do care about the environment, right?

RIGHT??

Anyway, there’s my official expert tips for a better grocery store experience. I trust that since I’ve referred to myself multiple times as an expert in this field on the internet there’s no need for any of you to question me. Just live by these rules as faithfully as I do and we’ll all experience the benefits of a better shopping experience.

See y’all next time!