What NOT to wear

Here’s the lawyer fashionista coming at ya again.  We’ve talked about critical lawyer attire in the past, tattoos and piercings (no-no’s) and cellphones clipped to your belt (a no-no, unless you need it to counterbalance your six-shooter).  But today we need to discuss a very serious subject:  footwear.

More specifically, sneakers.  Yes, just using the word “sneakers” tells you a lot.  Not “running shoes” or even “walking shoes,” and especially not the $179 Nike “sitting on the couch watching other people engaged in athletics” shoes.

We’re talking today about black sneakers.  The ones that referees and umpires wear to make them appear more formal and mature.  Why sneakers?  Because some of you misguided fools think you can “sneak” them into court as if they were shoes and nobody would notice.  Hellllllooooooooo.

“But they’re more comfortable.”  So is lounging around in your boxers, but you still wear pants to go to court, don’t you?  If your Gucci loafers (or Lucchese cowboy boots, as the case may be) are hurting your feet, then get a pair that fits.  Stop buying the used stuff on eBay and go to a competent shoe store.

“But they look just like shoes.”  No, they don’t.  They look like black sneakers. They don’t look like shoes.  Everybody can see they’re black sneakers.  Except sight-challenged octogenarians who think they’re those old-time orthopaedic shoes.  Remember them?  Is that what you had in mind?

“But the days of having to dress ‘formal’ for court are gone.”  Perhaps, but the days of going into court looking like some unprofessional schlump are still here.

Come on, you’re a lawyer.  Wear a pair of shoes, and leave the sneakers to the defendants.

Next Week:  Why it’s wrong to wear your “I’m with Stupid” t-shirt to court.