A while back, Andy Rooney of 60 Minutes fame did one of his famous rants about politicians wearing American flag pins.  It didn’t seem to have much impact.  Flag pins remained firmly affixed to lapels across the country, proving with certainty one’s love of country.

Obama has announced that he will no longer succumb to this submission to the pin.  Obama will not wear a pin as a sign of “true patriotism.”

While Orin Kerr at Volokh Conspiracy discovers the “true meaning” of the pin announcement, no one has yet considered what really matters:  Men wearing jewelry.

My grandmother used to get “all dolled up” whenever she had a reason to leave the house.  It involved getting her hair done at the beauty parlor (talk about a waste of money), putting on her best dress and pinning a cameo to her breast.  “Why?”  “Because that’s what women do when they go out,” my mother informed me.  Fair enough.  I learned early on that women adorned themselves with jewelry.  Men did not.   And so, my sensibilities were formed. 

One day, a Republican decided that he looked drab in his gray suit, white shirt and Nancy Regan red power tie.  The tie no longer held the pizazz it once did.  No, he needed some new way to bring out the color of his eyes. And so the American flag pin was placed on his lapel.

The pin itself was a miracle.  Like so many other things done brilliantly by our forefathers, the colors of the pin were a spectacular match for the broad spectrum of men’s clothing, blue and gray suits with white or blue shirts.  Red, white and blue.  It was a match made in heaven.  How the founding fathers could possibly have had such astute color sense is beyond my wildest imagination, but they nailed it.

The first man so pinned was a bit of dandy, but the second saw the fashion virtue for what it was, a true standout.  “Look how well that pin shows up on TV!”  Not only did he look spectacular, but he looked 110% American.  The latter recognition was the boon that pin manufacturers across China needed.  Pin was “in”.

Not only did pin wearers prove beyond any possible doubt that they were patriots, they looked sharp.  Men across Kansas and Oklahoma who had been dying for years to wear jewelry suddenly had their opening.  If real men, real Patriots, could wear a pin, so could they.  American flag tooth “fenders” couldn’t be far off.

And of course, as the Patriotic Republicans were doing it, so too did the Democratic fashion wannabe followers.  Refusing to cede the high ground on patriotism, more liberal candidates jumped into the jewelry fray.  Naturally, they first tried to play the cameo card, pinning grandma’s cameo to their breast, but the color match was atrocious and, of course, it bore a decided resemblance to Mao Zedong.  Learning quickly from this fashion faux pas, they bought a gross of flag pins and passed them out in the halls of government for all to wear.  And so the ubiquitous bipartisan pin promotion began.

Obama now says “No more pins!”  Whether or not this proves that he is true patriot can be decided elsewhere.  I’m just happy that men can go back to not wearing jewelry.  Well, maybe a tasteful diamond brooch, but that’s it.  After all, diamonds go with everything.