Newsday (AP) reports that the IRS will spend nearly $42 Million to send out letters informing Americans that they will be receiving a rebate check as part of the government’s economic stimulus package.

Keith Hennessey, director of the president’s National Economic Council, said the letters are being sent to explain how the tax rebates will work.

“Any time you do something as a government tens of millions of times, there is ample room for people to get confused. And so if you’re going to have tens of millions of taxpayers getting checks, you want to get the information out so that you have as few people as possible confused about what’s happening, they understand what’s coming, and it reduces the number of incoming requests that IRS and Treasury have to figure out how to deal with it,” said Hennessey.

If it would help the government, I will be happy to handle all the confused telephone calls myself, for a small fee.  I assure the government that I will do as good, if not better, a job of explaining what the checks are for, and I can do so for half the price.  Please remit $21 Million within 30 days.

Dear Taxpayer,” the letters will begin, going on to say the IRS is pleased to inform the recipient that Congress passed and President Bush signed into law a plan that will provide payments of up to $600 for individuals who qualify or $1,200 for married couples filing jointly. The rebates are the centerpiece of a $168 billion economic stimulus package.

I can say this, though I might be inclined to tighten it up a bit to avoid extraneous and confusing information, like how these minute amounts of money will change the lives of the 64,000 people who lost their jobs last month.  I will sound upbeat and peppy.  I will instill a sense of promise for the future.  I swear I will.

I’ll even get caller ID, so I can greet every confused American by name, provided they aren’t named “private caller.”  People really like the personal touch, except when it involves the IRS.

People who earn less than $3,000, illegal immigrants and anyone who does not file a tax return will miss out. Singles with incomes exceeding $87,000 and couples with incomes exceeding $174,000 also won’t qualify, although those caps rise by $6,000 per child.

For an extra 3 cents per call, I will even take down the first names of all illegal immigrants who want to know why they aren’t getting their rebate checks.  All I need to do is tell them that we just don’t have their name and address in file, and when they give it to me, BAM, we got them.  Last names and addresses will be extra, of course.

But you will have to pay in advance.  Given the way you keep printing money and shipping it off to Iraq and Halliburton, there’s not a chance in the world that I’m going to let you have 30 days net.  Plus, by the time you pay, a dollar won’t be worth squat.