I’ve certainly not been reluctant to take young prosecutors to task for being, well, young prosecutors.  But that doesn’t mean that I give young “defense lawyers” a free pass.  If anything, I’m tougher on criminal defense lawyers who fail to do the right thing, as my expectations of them are higher.  And so, when Skelly at  Arbitrary & Capricious posted about a new blawg, I had to take a look. 

My disappointment was palpable.  This new blawg is called The Public Pretender. Not only because this new erstwhile blogger didn’t bother to notice that he had taken the name of another blawg, just awfully poor form if nothing else.  Had it been that alone, some of us might have exerted a little pressure on the newbie to join the conversation more politely, rather than as a bull in the blawgosphere.  No, that turned out to be relatively minor.

The much larger problem was this:

As of last Friday, I am now a self-employed attorney and counselor at law. Actually, what I really am now is a Criminal Defense Lawyer. That’s the great thing about the law – I can be any kind of lawyer I want to be (well, almost), just by saying so. Friday I decided I’m a Criminal Defense Lawyer.

That’s right.  Almost.  Deciding on Friday that you are a “criminal defense lawyer” does not make you one.  It doesn’t make you anything. 

Our newbie CDL and Blawger, introduces himself in this way:

My name is David Harriman. I am a lawyer in Ohio. I will not name the city for reasons relating to client confidentiality and the possibility that doing so might get me disbarred.

A quick search reveals no lawyer named David Harriman in Ohio. whether criminal defense or otherwise.  Maybe he’s too new to locate, or maybe this is a made-up name for blawgospheric purposes.  But David gives us some background information on himself.

Friday was the day the partners in the firm where I have worked since I passed the bar last November called me into the conference room and rather unceremoniously handed me my walking papers.

*  *  *

Yet, like everyone else who latches onto the public dole when things get tough, bright and early Monday morning I bellied up to Rodney Grooms, the court administrator responsible for handing out these cases, and meekly asked if my name could be added to his list, and if it could be added like pronto?

*  *  *

Having never been in trouble myself and having taken no criminal law classes in law school (the thought of criminal law appalled me), I thought it best to ask for some help before arriving this morning. The best advice I got from the six or seven lawyers I asked was to just stand up and tell the judge why they should get a low bond and then say Not Guilty. Pick your best reason and go with it. The rest just told me to do what everyone else was doing. Which meant, I think, that they had no clue what to do either.

And so, David is now a criminal defense lawyer.

If this story is true, it reflects possibly the worst, most pathetic introduction to the blawgosphere and the practice of criminal defense law that I’ve ever seen.  But I have my doubts.

There’s a tinge of cynicism to this post that suggests that David is not quite as unbearably unqualified and foolish as he makes himself out to be. Indeed, his vivid description of the conversations with defendants in the pens sounds too familiar to be remembered by any kid lawyer who has just decided to become a criminal defense lawyer over the weekend.  There’s no newbie lawyer attitude about how zealous he is, and how unfair the defendants are.  No, this sounds like someone who has been around the block a few times having a little fun with the rest of us.

It’s quite possible that this is a brilliant parody of how some goofball lawyer gets his sweaty little hands around the throats of indigent defendants despite his screaming lack of qualifications, with some effective side-commentary on the state of affairs of indigent defenders, including their pay, treatment by defendants and the absence of personal pride and responsibility by the courthouse regulars.

If this is the case, then I applaud this blawger’s brilliant satire, more than sufficiently close to convincing to make a very sharp point about the state of affairs of indigent defense, the varying characteristics of those who wake up on Monday morning to find themselves “criminal defense lawyers” and the attitude of some criminal defendants.

But if this is for real, there are some people in Ohio who are in serious trouble.