Eric Turkewitz at New York Personal Injury Law Blog doesn’t think much of Eric Johnson’s push at PrawfsBlawg for Biglaw associates to unionize.  No really, Johnson argues that the downtrodden associates should unite to fight the system.

Law-firm associates should unionize. I don’t know why they haven’t already, except that they are, on the whole, rather gutless.

Think about it. Associates at big law firms are perfectly suited to unionize. They are overworked and underpaid. And partners utterly depend on them. If associates actually used their latent collective bargaining power, it seems to me they could extract huge concessions from partners.

Johnson then goes on to state, “[n]ow, I know nothing about labor law.”  But he doesn’t let that stop him for an instant.  Before anyone screams, “logical fallacy, appeal to ignorance,” cool yer jets.  This is fun stuff, and no reason to let logic stand in the way.  And he called them gutless, not me.

Johnson’s suggestions comes at a time of Biglaw devastation of the associate base, with all the mewling cries of foul by those who didn’t get the law review payoff to which they were entitled.  As Turk says:

And what happened to BigLaw with the oodles of money and perks they were throwing around? A big-time contraction. Their clients, it seems, decided that in a Great Recession it might be wise to watch the bottom line, and shelling out piles of dough to BigLaw so they could bill out young associates at ridiculous hourly rates no longer seemed like such a hot idea.

Johnson points out that it’s those evil Biglaw partners, sucking up all the profits that would otherwise be spread across the next generation, at the root of the problem. 

Let me note that when I say associates are underpaid, I do not mean that they are impoverished and we should feel sorry for them. But, compared to the amount that the partners bill clients for associate hours, the portion associates receive is trifling. Why should they surrender more than three-quarters of their billable rate to pay for the partners’ rainmaking services and office overhead?

Put aside the plethora of problems that arise with the concept, like supervision of non-legal staff, conflicts with clients, even (oh no!) professionalism and merit.  After all, teachers say they are professionals and look how well unions worked for them, making our schools the envy of the world.

How can anyone miss the similarities between Biglaw associates and the Haymarket Affair, when McCormick workers were locked out for seeking an eight hour workday, after being beaten by Pinkertons, only to be killed by Chicago police when they opened fire on the crowd in Haymarket Square.  It’s almost the exact same thing!

The point is best made by this letter, contained in an anonymous comment to Johnson’s post:

Dear [Clinton appointee on the Southern District of New York],

I write to implore you to find that “Biglaw Associate” be considered an “employee” under the NLRA. Let me tell you about myself. I am currently a law student at a tier 1 law school and will work at an AmLaw 100 law firm this summer. In preparation for this associateship, I now regularly wear argyle sweaters and driving loafers. For lunch, I enjoy the turkey and brie sandwich with cranberry demi-glaze from Cosi, which I can buy for a mere $8. For dinner, I usually stop at Whole Foods where I can purchase a tray of pre-made sushi for $12. This way, I ensure that I won’t gain weight and that my seersucker pants will still fit properly.

This summer, I plan to use my $3100/week salary to upgrade from a Tag Heuer watch to either an Omega Seamaster or a Rolex Submariner (automatic movement, of course). I really like the Submariner, but they are just so common among law firm associates today! Assuming I receive a full-time offer, my first year I will be paid more than the following people: (1) my parents; (2) every other union member in the country with the exception of Jon Stewart; and (3) you. So, I implore you to liberally construe the NLRA (I’m sure you’ll have no problem doing so) and be sure that my rights are vindicated!

Sincerely,

Pretentious Law Student

Power to the People!

P.S.:  Anybody want to buy a slightly used Tag Heuer wrist watch?