Some of us have been critical in the past of the Transportation Safety Administrations reactive measures to assure that airline passengers arrive safely at their destination.  It was as if 9/11 would never happen again, failing first to appreciate the imaginative Richard Reid and his shoe bomb, and now, Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, with high explosive sewn into his clothing.

But there was no hand-wringing or recriminations at the TSA this time. They moved forward decisively with immediate remedies to close the gaping loopholes that are always made painfully obvious after the fact.  Within a mere 24 hours of the near-tragedy, the New York Times disclosed some of the changes:

Upset the foolish or not, this is a critical aspect of passenger safety, tricking would-be terrorists by having no safety measures in effect at certain airports to befuddle the overly prepared.

Some have questioned this “knee-jerk” response by the TSA, reflecting their own lack of understanding of how real safety works and how the too-real threat to our national security must be stopped, merely because these restrictions bear no cognizable relationship to Abdulmutallab conduct.  These critics, of course, lack inside knowledge both of the ways terrorists operate and how these restrictions fit with the TSA plans for the future.

Initially, it is well known that acts of terrorism will only occur after the individual terrorist has purged his bowels.  If not, then there could be massive humiliation, both to the cause and the terrorist’s mourning family, if the subsequent description says that he messed himself.  By not allowing a potential terrorist to go to the lavatory, a fundamental necessity in all terrorist plans will be eliminated, thus making it impossible for the seated terrorists, such as Abdulmutallab, to proceed with their plan. Bet you didn’t think of that, Mr. Critical, did you?

Another fact, well-known to security insiders, is that terrorists are fashion plates, and will not go anywhere without at least two carry-ons to assure that they are properly attired when meeting virgins.  One never knows exactly how one should dress in advance of the moment, particularly when it comes to weather conditions aboard the plane.  By limiting hand baggage to only one, the TSA seeks to create fashion paralysis, a major stumbling block to any would-be terrorist’s moment of truth.

But these are just the immediate rule changes, designed to prepare us for the major ones to be imposed.  In the future, passengers will be required to fly naked.  As they ramp up the advertising campaign, No Shoes, No Clothes, No Problems, they have come upon a solution that will put an end to the fear of airline attacks.

To the untrained eye, one might suspect that the purpose behind this rule is to eliminate any place to secrete an explosive device.  To those of us more attuned to the harsh realities of terror, we know this to be false.  The true purpose behind this change is to create an atmosphere of such utter, nauseating disgust that it will be impossible for anyone to function.

Think about the people you see on airplanes.  Then imagine what they would look like naked.  Eeeew. That’s right, fat, old, wrinkled, smelly bodies surrounding you.  Not a muscle would flex on board, fearing that they might touch someone’s sagging fleshiness.  Every muscle would go limp.  Minds would shut down.  Aside from the occasional retching, there would be utter silence as people froze in place to avoid any possibility of human contact.  You can’t bring down an airplane with your eyes tightly shut.

Some might argue that this is too cruel to contemplate, and indeed, it is extreme.  But when it comes to the safety of Americans, there is no restriction that goes too far.  We must be able to travel safely, without fear of harm.  When it comes to protecting Americans, what better weapon do we have in the War on Terrorism than ourselves?

Update:  Randy Barnett at VC has posted the new “temporary” TSA Rules, applicable until December 30th.  Most notably amongst them is airlines are required to have their gate agents:

Perform thorough pat-down of all passengers at boarding gate prior to boarding, concentrating on upper legs and torso.

As if these harried, sometimes a little nutsy, gate agents don’t have enough on their hands, they must now frisk every passenger before boarding.  They aren’t trained to do so.  They have no security available if they find something.  There will be men frisking the upper thighs of women, and vice versa.  There will be no screening available for further investigation.  And let’s hope nobody has a catheter.

The good news is that they won’t be required to do this if the passenger happens to be a Monarch or Head of State.  It’s not like the TSA is unreasonable about it.