While I’ve been long acknowledged as a leading authority on appropriate courtroom attire, it’s not as widely known that my expertise extends to the bowels of correctional facilities, where issues of haute couture are constrained to account for somewhat unusual concerns, such as the inherent dangers of an uplifting appearance.
From Kash Hill at Above the Law, just such a conundrum demanding my attention arose when Miami attorney Brittney Horstman attempted to enter the Miami federal detention center.
When Horstman visited the center on June 4, she set the metal detector off. The guards at the detention center barred her from entering while wearing a bra with underwire. The prison dress code doesn’t bar the bras, but it appears to be informal policy at the prison — presumably because an inmate might use the metal to make a Victoria’s Secret shiv and bust out.
So Horstman went to the bathroom and took her bra off. But the guards again declined to let her enter. From the Miami Herald :
In blouse and jacket, she returned, and cleared the walk-through detector.
Again, guards refused to let her pass — now, because she was braless, which is against prison dress code guidelines.
The Wire. It’s no laughing matter, you immature wanker. The wire has long been the source of great suffering for people in prison, often sealing the fate of those who might otherwise have laughed in the face of allegations. No, the wire is no joke.
Few, however, appreciate that the concealment of the wire, in this instance fiendishly clever, can present a threat so deadly that its introduction into the safe confines of prison would render both stripes and orange jumpsuits pointless. Dead men don’t care what they wear.
For the lawyer, of course, admission into a correctional facility requires some advance thought about fashion. It would certainly be inappropriate, if not downright cruel, to tempt men left to their own womanless devices, by flaunting an excess of decolletage. Consider the impact that such a fashion “don’t” would leave behind? Do you want that on your conscience?
Yet the maintenance of proper leverage, for those women endowed with surplusage, demands some mechanical aid, both for their own safety as well as consideration of others. While the Wire appears best suited to this purpose, its risks abound. And yet women lawyers, like their male counterparts, have a manifest need to visit with, even speak to, their incarcerated clients.
While some would leave this problem to the vicissitudes of prison officials to sort out on an ad hoc basis, a solution that strikes me as far too risque for fulfillment of constitutional duties and good taste, I’ve arrived at an alternative that should suit all needs at once. Duct tape. Not only does it have a long and storied history of holding things in place, but it provides the added benefit of removing any errant unwanted hairs upon removal.
Yet again, the right to effective assistance of properly dressed counsel is preserved.
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I’m sorry, but this is so fucking stupid. But then again, I’m allowed to bring a pen and my keys, but not a magic marker or highlighter and the kids plastic car toy (it was in my briefcase)
With that said, I set off metal detectors several times a day.
Because someone is bound to ask, here’s how to make a duct tape bra.
Eww. Your duct tape epiphany has the simple-minded side of your brain flapping at us. You juvenile delinquent you. But “errant, unwanted hairs” summons the image of a, let’s see, male human. Based on what (little) I know of my acquaintances. Cannot speak for yours of course. Are you standing on the concept? Sure you wouldn’t take the opportunity to modify or (to your way of thinking as expressed in this one) mutate it?
It’s lawyers like you that keep the duct tape industry thriving.
You are an anticipation savant, Ed.
I’ll keep my errant hair issues to myself if you’ll do the same.
No. The Doctor needs to know.
I think you missed your calling, Scott.
You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve heard that.
Not to mention, “President of the BRA Association” under “Social Media Ninja” would do wonders for your personal brand.
Is there a President of the BRA Association? And if so, what would be the qualifications?
You must be able to unhook a bra with one hand? I dunno. I’m guessing that, as with any fictitious organization, you get to make up the qualifications so that they best suit you. Part of the job, I’m fairly certain, is putting into effect unenforceable rules which benefit no one but make you look smart. You can do it. I have faith in you.
I’m extremely vexed by these responses. I am a female criminal defense attorney who has been turned away from state and federal prisons for: wearing suspenders, wearing a slip with the bra built in, wearing an underwire, wearing a sports bra because the underwire wasn’t allowed, and just last week, I was not allowed into a federal detention center because my lawyer suit, the one than goes below my knees, the one I wear regularly to federal court and 9th Cir. oral arguments, had a slit in the back of the skirt. The purpose of the slit is to allow us to walk. On this last one, I demanded to see the warden. He reprimanded the ACOs and I got in. Two hours later.
Smirk away, but you give these abusive ACOs ammunition. To you guys, a joke. To me, a frustrating, demeaning, embarrassing, and ongoing problem. And to my client, a missed, important meeting. And a whole damn afternoon wasted.
Okay. Rant over.
I think this whole Duct Tape Delicates thing deserves its own episode of Project Runway.
Dibs on the soundtrack from the tape removal…
I would be more than “vexed’ if it was my time wasted like that. So you’re a criminal defense lawyer. Figure out a way to kick some butt. That’s what we do.
I too am a female criminal defense attorney with 32DDD and underwire is my life. I have worn fairly short skirts and large bracelets (which I’ve left in the car) I have never been turned away, never been asked to take items off, etc. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen and it probably will at some point with the current state of the world, but come on, it is so ridiculous and absurd that we have to laugh a little. Otherwise we’d cry.
Way, waaayyyyy too much information.
It’s a total lie anyway. Who has 32DDD? Unless you pay for them.
Mirriam, don’t say these things.