If Millennials are called digital natives, then I’m a digital illegal immigrant undocumented alien.  While I may spend a few minutes on the computer most days, I’m constrained to learn everything from scratch. Often twice.  Sometimes more.  This must be obvious to all the virtual gurus around, as they constantly send me emails offering me their services.

Then a new offer came in, not the typical coyote solicitation that a guy like me would expect, but an entirely different opportunity.

I would be interested in managing a link exchange campaign for your company as an independant contracter.

As your “link marketing manager”, I can manage your link exchange campaign to insure that, over time, you will have a consistent reliable and steady stream of qualified, interested and motivated prospects viewing your web site. Web traffic is a numbers game, and the more web sites that link to you, the more traffic you’ll get on a referral basis. 

Like any blawger, I get a ton of people asking for “link exchanges,” suggesting that their website offering guaranteed penis enlargement and mine are simpatico and share a dedicated audience.  They might have a point, but it always struck me as a bit unseemly and definitely not the sort of thing people wanted to be constantly reminded about. 

With all these incoming offers, it never dawned on me that I might need someone to manage my link exchange campaign.  Heck, I didn’t even realize that I needed a campaign.  And he was willing to do so as an Independent contractor!  Woo hoo!  No health insurance.  That’s a relief.

Every day, a new job comes into existence online, positions we didn’t even know we needed and certainly never existed the day before.  It’s a miracle, some out of work, unqualified person who is the laughingstock of all his friends for lack of a BMW and an iPad, creating a niche that no one ever knew existed.  Fill the niche, get rich.  It’s the American way.

It seems like only yesterday that there was no such thing as Twitter.  Now we not only have Twitter, but Twitter experts who, for a fee, will teach people to be twits.  These are highly trained professionals who spent hours honing their craft so they can solicit major law firms and teach them how to effectively engage with authenticity using hashtags.  There’s no finer way to develop that mixed martial arts law practice and promote it to those desperate corporate counsel, frustrated by their inability to locate just the right lawyer.

As for me, I’m pretty satisfied with my general policy of not exchanging links with the plethora of websites who have much to offer me.  It’s okay if I’m just a piker in the digital world, limiting visitors here to those who have an interest in the things I tend to write about.  Sure, it’s not much, but the potentially vast popularity with readers seeking viagra might overwhelm me.

But don’t let that stop you.  There are many new folks around the blawgosphere who will do pretty much anything to grab some readers and expand their tribe and influence.  From twitter followers by the tried and true follow-back of anyone with a twitter name of Britney to spam back-link comments, they are welcoming to all and invite eyeballs without discrimination.  If this is what you’re up for, go for it.  In fact, it may prove to be a huge boon in the opening of a new niche of law, the representation of people with small penises.  You can be High Priest of the small penis blawgosphere if you play your cards right.

And don’t feel badly that you’re desperate to make a splash in the blawgosphere.  After all, what’s the point of all this if not to manufacture popularity and community, from whom you can nab a buck or two.  There can’t be any other legitimate reason to type out a few words if not to make a living, and it’s so much easier to fabricate an internet persona that makes other people, similarly desperate for attention and business, love you than it is to be a great lawyer.  That takes work.  More than a few hours.  Heck, who wants to spend all that time when you can become the king of all twitter experts by next Tuesday?

Hey, you never know.

Sorry, Mike Ciaccio, but I’m going to pass on your very kind offer to be my personal link exchange manager.  Even as an independent contractor.  I’m just not ready for all the eyeballs and small penises.

Update:  I inquired of Mikey C about the charges for his services as my personal link exchange manager.  Here’s what he replied:

Thank you for your interest in my link exchange and FaceBook Marketing Service. 

I am an independent contractor with over 25  years of sales and marketing experience. In addition, I have had an internet marketing company since 1996.

I charge $450.00 per month for my service, and there is no obligation after the first month on your part.

*** Here’s my basic plan of action. Every day, monday thru friday,complete the following…

1. spider the internet (daily) to find web sites that are related to you but not your competitors.

2. harvest the email addresses (daily) from these sites.

3. send emails to them, telling them we’d like to link to them, and to link back to us with a specific code.

4. create html pages (weekly), that contain links and descriptions of these sites that reciprocate and upload them to your server or I can email them to you.

***I try to accomplish the following marketing objectives…

1. Create a resource that is so valuable that it will “in itself” keep visitors coming back to your web site over and over.

2. Create a resource that is “HIGHLY targeted to your market” so that the referral traffic from these links will produce highly qualified,

interested, and motivated prospective buyers.

3. Improve your Google rankings for your best keywords and phrases by having other relevant web sites link to you using the keywords in hypertext..

Mike then provides a list of his clients, my personal fav being the one selling crossbows.  It must be hard to rank high when selling crossbows.  Nonetheless, I still demur, meaning that Mike remains wide open to turn you into the High Priest of small penises.