Some people think I’m occasionally snarky when it comes to the modus operandi of Avvo, suggesting that any lawyer whose name appears on its pages is readily available for free advice.  Moi?  I think not.  The missive in my email this morning likely asks a question that many people want answered, and so I offer my response here, that any interested party may see it.

Hello,

I am writing to see if you can help me. I was given a public urination summons in NYC and am trying to figure out the best option. I have to work on the day I am supposed to appear and I do not want this to affect me negatively in any way. Can you help or know someone who can? Any help is appreciated. Thank you.

No wise cracks about my experience with public urination, or the likelihood that a gentleman of a certain age would do well to wear Depends.  Now that would be snarky.

This is a very common dilemma, and one of the most frequent requests I receive from Avvo readers, trumped only by shoplifting.  You see, New York is not very urination friendly.  Go to a bar, drink yourself blind and, as you wind your way home, there’s a sensation in your loins.  No, not that sensation.  The urge to pee. 

You look around and see the blackened facades of storefronts, Not that it matters, since most sell shoes and deny that they have indoor plumbing anyway, unless you you spring for some Jimmy Choos.  And still the urge persists.

So you look around and, seeing nothing, heed nature’s call.  Naturally, it’s the only time you can find a police officer in the City of New York.  Or to be more precise, he finds you.  Bummer.

Having identification, the officer issues a summons for public urination.  Is this really necessary, Officer?  Well, sure it is.  How else can they make their quota?  Duh. 

In the cold light of morning, however, the implications of the night peeing on the town strike home.  First, there’s the matter of this criminal court summons, the one that says you are commanded to appear.  Commanded?  That seems pretty harsh.  Can’t we just arrive at mutually convenient time and deal with this like gentlemen?  You know, shake hands and call it even? Yes, you washed your hand first.  Please.

Then there’s the matter of having to work for a living. Not everybody can live the life of luxury of a lawyer, available to go to court on any given day.  There are jobs and bosses and bills and jobs.  Explaining to your boss that you can’t show up for work because you have to appear in criminal court is generally frowned upon.  This is true even in a bad economy.

So what are the options?

Not good. Not good at all.  As much as public urination is considered disgusting in some circles, it really does not constitute a huge break with the social contract, sufficient to justify its consequences.  The Avvo reader can, of course, retain counsel, but you notice how that isn’t really part of his question.  Still, this won’t stop some from seeing the opportunity presented by this email.

Some readers will say to themselves, “Hey, this could be the start of a niche practice in public urination defense.”  I anticipate receiving an email from a certain lawyer in Houston informing me that there are lawyers making seven figures doing public urination defense.  I bet they all favor blue suits.

My experience tells me, however, that the real question belying this email is whether he can write a letter to Mayor Bloomberg, apologizing for making a mess of his sidewalk, promising to never urinate again, and avoid this whole megillah.  Unfortunately, that option was foreclosed by recent amendments to the criminal procedure law of the State of New York, closing the “say your sorry and call it even” loophole.  It’s understandable that the writer might not be aware of changes that have limited his options to appearing in court as commanded or hiring a lawyer.

In passing, I note that my public presentation of this unfortunate incident comes because this email was unsolicited and its contents are so common and generic that they reveal nothing about its writer.  Unlike the double homicide emails that come via Avvo, which would not likely be as generic.

I sincerely empathize with the young man who asked this perfectly reasonable question.*  After all, the offense is quite petty, and merely complying with the summons carries significant consequences.  Putting good money into hiring a lawyer to defend against the charge is likely out of the question, both because the charge hardly merits it and because he doesn’t have the money to pay.  Yet, he certainly doesn’t want to have a record for public peeing, which will come back to haunt him in his next run for the Senate.

No, there are no good options to be had here, and I consider it a mitzvah to offer what little comfort I can, for free of course, to any Avvo reader who seeks a quick, easy and free solution to their problems.  How fortunate that we have Avvo so that no urinator’s question goes unanswered, even if the answer is no.

*  Just so you know, I responded to the email in a professional and sensitive manner, though the options didn’t improve.