There are some truly bad people, but really not very many.  Most are pretty ordinary people who, for one reason or another, do bad things sometimes.  Some get caught.  Some need to get caught. Some get punished but the bad things they do, even if they aren’t truly bad people.  That’s how it’s supposed to work.

There’s a blog called  Bad Lawyer about many subjects, but primarily about a lawyer who did something bad.  It’s about to go dormant for a while.  Until next April, at least.  That’s because it’s time for Bad Lawyer to do his time.  Five months in.

Over the past few months, I’ve come to get a feel for Bad Lawyer.  He tells his own story, as he’s the “criminal under his own hat.”

My professional conduct deviated from the standards of the ethical attorney in the maintenance of my IOLTA account;  and, in the reporting of income and payment of taxes.  I rationalized that I would be able to “catch-up and negotiate.”  This was delusional on my part.  I thought to myself that I was not stealing from my clients, I was just taking from my allocated attorney fees.  While technically true, the rules mean something–if in fact, I could not pay may bills, keep the phones turned on and pay the secretary without cheating then I really had no business holding myself out as being fit to practice law. 

As the secrets of my incapacity compounded I was sicker, and less able to practice.  After 15 years of sobriety I relapsed, seriously oblivious to the connections between my unethical and illegal conduct and sobriety.  I thought my relapse related to my father’s dying–I recognize now that my father’s dying and the crisis in my family was just an excuse to medicate my more profound disorganization and emotional disorders. I was sick.

This is a fairly common story for bad lawyers.  It doesn’t start with an intention to go wrong, but just a step in the direction, with the belief that it can be fixed another day.  There’s often drugs or booze involved, though it can also be greed, insecurity or low-self esteem.  Sometimes, it’s nothing more than one bad choice, seemingly inconsequential in itself, that starts a lawyer down a path from which he can’t return.

Yesterday, I received an email from Bad Lawyer telling me he’s going in.  He’s not the first lawyer I know who had a sentence to serve.  But he’s feeling it.

I am in extreme emotional pain, and the desire to go early is my recognition that I am not spending these remaining moments of freedom with anything but the heaviest of hearts.  My poor kids.  I can’t imagine what it’s been like for them this last couple of years. 

I will miss my children the most.  Despite the day to day disappointments and gnashing of teeth that parenting teenagers presents–they are the best things that ever happened to me, and they would not be in my life but for the willfulness of the BSL who demanded that we go out and fetch them from the universe.  My children are pure joy, smart, fun, loving and beautiful.

This too is normal.  As much as the pain of leaving one’s family, of being unable to say good-night to your kids is bad, even worse is the knowledge that you have failed to live up to the expectations of the few people who matter most in your life.  You will see them again when you come out, but you will always know that you were not the person you wanted to be, you believed you were.  The beauty, however, is that your children will still love you and will forgive you completely.

While criminal defense lawyers, much to the surprise and amazement of outsiders, believe in the law, in the duty to adhere to the rules that bind society, most of us also believe strongly in redemption.  There must be consequences, but once the debt is paid, we believe that those people who are not inherently bad should be given the opportunity to move on with their life.

Bad Lawyer has already faced his demons.  He knows that what he did was bad, and he knows that none of the explanations for his conduct excuse it.  He knows that there is a price to pay, and the bill just came due.  But like other lawyers I know, he’s not a bad person. 

Next April, he will be released, his debt having been paid.  That’s an unpopular notion today, with many unwilling to accept that the debt can ever be paid.  Once a felon, always a felon.  If he’s every accidentally shot by police while minding his own business, walking down the street, the first words describing him will be “ex-felon” rather than former lawyer.  We’ve gotten awfully stingy with second chances.

His five month sentence will go quickly.  As I’m told, the best way to think of it is as a one day sentence, repeated 150 times.  Just take each day as it comes, until one day they tell you to pack up your stuff and walk to the door. 

When he comes out, his family and friends will be there and will embrace him as if he never did anything wrong.  But he will never be able to forget that he did, and will be reminded every day that he is no longer the lawyer, the thing that identified him for so long.  He will wonder what to do with himself, but he will eventually find a new place.  In a weird sense, he will enjoy a freedom that he hasn’t had in years, no longer saddled by the demands and expectations of being a lawyer.  It’s a blessing and a burden to carry.  Still, he likely will wish that he could put on a suit and walk into court again.

I wish him the best, and will welcome him back when he’s done with his sentence.  He’s a good man who did something wrong.  Once the debt is paid, it’s over as far as I’m concerned.  Until then, I hope his time goes quickly and smoothly, and that he remains safe and sane.