Sure, kid lawyers complain that there are no jobs around these days where they can earn enough to pay off their law school loans and have a little left over to buy some Four Locos and feel sorry for themselves.  Maybe they should  never have gone to law school in the first place, but they did and now they’re stuck.  Options?

SPECIAL ASSISTANT UNITED STATES ATTORNEY
(UNCOMPENSATED)
UNITED STATES ATTORNEY’S OFFICE
WESTERN DISTRICT OF MISSOURI

That’s right,  Once again, the government comes to the rescue.  Sure, it’s uncompensated (as in you do it for free), but then you get to put on your resume that you were a SAUSA, and that’s worth something.  Actually, it’s worth quite a bit. 

Despite having been debunked over and over, it remains a truism that people are impressed by lawyers who served in the government.  It really doesn’t matter what capacity, or how well, or even how long, but just that they did.  It makes lawyers, somehow, seem more “official.”  It places the government seal of approval on them, as if this makes for a Grade A Prime Lawyer.

As a practical matter, it beats sitting on the couch in your parents’ basement eating Cheetos and dreaming of Maynard G. Krebs.  You might actually learn something as you work.

But why bother with the practical when we’re talking about the outrage of uncompensated government work.  Doesn’t our own government value the services of a lawyer?  Well, no doubt they do, but why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.  And the SAUSA isn’t the tastiest of milk, but the stuff that’s about to expire and has a funky smell to it.  You see, you aren’t government-worthy, but they will tolerate you as long as you’re just a second-stringer to a real government lawyer.

Of course, in the future, no one will know that you signed on to play junior G-man, and will only see the AUSA part on your resume.  Biglaw will court you, wine and dine, and give you embossed business cards that look almost like engraving that proclaim you to be their white collar criminal defense expert. 

To a transactional lawyer, these few letters on your resume make you look taller, hotter, meaner and a whole lot sexier.  More than anything in the world, more even than a Harvard or Yale pedigree and an editorship on a real journal, they love the government’s stamp of approval.  That’s because they know that corporate clients feel comfortable knowing that the lawyers defending them were once government insiders.  They understand that value of perceived connections.  Hey, where do ex-Senators go for pin money?

So while you won’t be doing any real work.  You won’t have any actual authority.  You will be a glorified clerk, maybe secretary, and be constrained to rent an apartment above the laundromat in Western Missouri with money you aren’t making, think of this as a sound investment in your future.  Six months to a year now, for a lifetime of leisure and wealth.

And it only works for United States Attorneys.  Everybody else has to pay.