In the ordinary description of a criminal battery, an unlawful non-consensual touching of another that causes some degree of harm, varying by the sensibilities of legislators by jurisdiction, there tends to be at least one common thread:  Somebody actually touches somebody else.

Gone.

In Florida, the void has been breached, where the basic requisite is no longer required.  Via Turley, the slide down the slippery slope:

Previously, we saw how a hug was charged as a felony. We have also seen an officer claim battery when a bubble touched him. Then there is the officer who charged battery when a suspect released gas in his presence. These all pale in comparison to being hit by a flying pillow, of course.

Well, the battery by fart, in my view, pushed the envelope farther than the flying pillow, but reasonable people can differ.  Still, the air kiss by Lance Lewis, 14 at Bradenton Beach Police Officer Tim Matthews landed like a scud missile, but for the fact that it was an AIR KISS!

In this case, Matthews was able to keep control of the vehicle after being hit by the kiss and jumped out — demanding to know if Lewis was retarded.

His sister, Veronica, said that she stepped in front of her younger brother because she said Matthews was storming toward them and her brother had an arm in a cast. Matthews alleged shoved her aside and put Lance Lewis in a choke hold. A choke hold is viewed as the most effective way to stopping air kisses. By denying the subject air, he cannot produce additional air kisses.

Veronica Lewis reportedly stepped forward and grabbed Matthews’ arm while protesting that he was hurting her brother.

Now that’s Turley’s description of what happened, and as anyone familiar with Turley’s writing knows, he can be a bit of a wag.  But in this case, satire is likely the best this “crime” offers. 

What isn’t funny is that the prosecutor on whose desk this ridiculous case landed exercised his sound discretion by electing to prosecute it, to the bitter end.  The case went to trial, where Lance was acquitted, and the case against Veronica was subsequently dismissed.  No really, the prosecution brought this case to trial.  No one in Bradenton Beach, not prosecutor nor supervisor, thought to themselves, “this is utterly absurd.”  

Worse still, no judge sat in the quiet of his chambers and pondered the question of how an air kiss, even with tongue, could conceivably give rise to probable cause to arrest.  Bear in mind that post hoc conduct, Lewis’ and Veronica’s reaction to Matthews’ seizure, doesn’t magically work its way around the front to justify the initiation of the conduct.  Veronica’s efforts to protect Lance Lewis, who had a broken arm, from Matthews’ choke hold can’t explain away the air kiss initiation of the confrontation.  A judge might be aware of this.  That’s kinda the stuff that judges are supposed to think about before putting a person, even a 14 year old boy, on trial.

From the Bradenton Herald, Lance Lewis is suing for the arrest.  The officer, in the interim, resigned and was hired by the Palmetto police department a month later. 

But the big question remains unanswered: What are the charges if you look intently at a police officer with mean, x-ray eyes?  And will the officer go on medical leave for two years for the injuries suffered from the intent gaze?

Don’t think it can’t happen.