The  Controlled Substance Act of 1970 created schedules of drugs and other substances along the lines of their medical utility and potential for abuse, the gist of which was to initiate a war on drugs that would eradicate the plague of drug abuse that was sapping the strength and vitality of America’s youth and put an end to drug trafficking.

The worst “offenders” were listed under Schedule I, meeting these criteria:

Schedule I

(a) The drug or other substance has a high potential for abuse.
(b) The drug or other substance has no currently accepted medical use in treatment in the United States.
(c) There is a lack of accepted safety for use of the drug or other substance under medical supervision.

This schedule included such nightmarish substances as marijuana, which, as the criteria state, has “no currently accepted medical use.”  Anyone thus using it for medical purposes, even pursuant to state laws permitting such use and with the prescription of a physician, ignores its heinousness. 

The other schedules don’t really matter, as all the good stuff is contained in Schedule I, which is really just a list of the drugs the government wants to eradicate.  The whole criteria aspect is, undeniably, nonsense, having gotten long past the idea that marijuana has no medical use, and recognizing (albeit slowly) that it has significant medical benefits.  It’s only drawback, of course, is that it’s always been hated by the government and placed on the truly evil drug schedule not because it fits the criteria, but because that’s where truly evil drugs belong.

Since the government has chosen to manufacture a silly schedule to combat the manufacture of truly evil drugs, and for as long as some judge somewhere continues to accept this classification scheme as having any rational basis whatsoever, we’re constrained to accept a proposition designed to vilify “controlled” substances.  Sure, we know better.  Sure, we’ve learned a thing or two since 1970, and come to realize that making stuff up to scare people away from drugs doesn’t work.  But what they hey?  This is war.  All’s fair in love and war.

However, the time will come when we revisit the classification schedules and attempt to bring rationality back to the law.  With this in mind, Thoreau (who I believe to be Jim Henley, though I could be wrong) at Unqualified Offerings has crafted a new schedule for substances that provides meaningful criteria upon which to distinguish truly evil drugs.

Class Ia:  The drugs that you used when you were young and wild.  Not as potent as today’s drugs, and nothing to get judgmental about.  Sometimes worth getting a bit nostalgic about, though.

Class Ib:  The drugs that you used before  joining a 12 step program and/or a new religion.  Dangerous, evil things that even a fine person like you could not handle, and definitely too strong for anybody else.  Well worth getting self-righteous about, but not worth losing your rights over.

Class II:  The drugs that your young children might use some day unless the government Does Something About It.  Dangerous, evil things that must be stopped at any cost, as long as that cost is mostly paid by somebody else.

Class III:  The drugs that your teenage children just used.  These drugs are a private family matter that nobody else needs to get involved in.

Class IV:  The drugs that you heard are being used by people with less money than you and/or more melanin than you.  These drugs are not only incredibly potent and dangerous substances, they are also a sign of a deep moral defect that warrants a stiff prison sentence, substantially reduced employment prospects, and permanent suspension of voting rights.

Notably, Class IV drugs target those used by poor, minority, and most importantly, people with dark skin, thus revealing their “deep moral defect” leading them to drug abuse that bears no relation to what you, your kids or anybody you like might ingest.  And really, isn’t that what drug classification is all about?

It’s a very funny, and cutting, bit of satire, except for the fact that Henley’s classification scheme is better than the government’s and makes more sense.  After 40 years of shutting our eyes and ears, and applying a schedule that’s managed to put a stupendous number of Americans behind bars while keeping the supply of controlled substances at constantly available levels, isn’t it time for a list that’s a lot more fun and just lays out the battle plan the way it’s always been fought?

It’s not that I’m an advocate for legalization, as much as an advocate for a rational approach to issues created by the use of mind altering substances.  Hey, I like a good war as much as the next guy, and I’ve watched Reefer Madness a few times and enjoy campy propaganda as much as anyone else.  But anything can get old after 40 years. 

Isn’t it time to admit that our drug policy hasn’t worked nearly as well as the Controlled Substances Act of 1970 anticipated, and that we, the children of the 60s and 70s, are a bunch of ridiculous hypocrites who should be mature enough to admit the failure of our father’s scheme and do better? 

The world won’t come to an end if we rethink the schedules, just like it didn’t come to an end when our parents caught us doing bad stuff behind the woodshed.  Of course, when we did it, it was just “a private family matter that nobody else needs to get involved in.”

H/T Radley Balko