Inspired by  Mark Bennett’s post about the guest post requests he receives, it seemed appropriate to offer a glimpse into the kind of crap that comes my way.  While I might include the never-ending slew of requests from a website hyping criminal justice degrees (names change with every email), or the generic piece of crap from Patty Kleen, trying to promote phlebotomy programs (you can’t make this up), instead I’ve chosen one I find particularly annoying.  The scoundrels who are trying to promote one of the various DUI lawyer websites.

Hi,

This is Andrew Hudson from myDUIattorney. I’d like to offer you a
no-cost, custom-written, 600+ word unique article (guest post) for your site?

In exchange, would you be open to putting a max of 2 text links inside
an author bio box that link back to my site?

I’ll ensure you get a well-written, interesting and RELEVANT article that is in line
with what your readers commonly see on your website.

Most importantly, it will be 100% unique (never copied from another site
on the internet, and never given to anyone but you.)

A well-written article will provide you with additional quality content
for your readers and give you a boost in Google rankings.

Note: The reason I ask for 2 text links within the author bio box
is to help promote my site in Google,  NOT to draw visitors away from your site – inconspicuous links only.

I’ve attached a sample article with this email, so you can get a feel
for how I write, and the level of quality I can provide.

If you have any questions please contact me anytime by email or by telephone.

Thanks for your time and attention,

Andrew Hudson
73-03 Bell Blvd #10
Oakland Gardens, NY 11364
Phone: (866) 621-5584

A “sample” was attached to the email, and in an incredibly foolish effort to research this post for your reading pleasure, I took the risk of downloading it.  It was about how children’s television gave the writer’s child a lisp, “and not speak correctly.”  It brought me to new depths of worthlessness, leaving me stupider with each passing line read.  And this was the stuff meant to persuade me to let this huckster put a guest post here.

Whether or not any person named Andrew Hudson exists is neither known nor relevant. This is an integral part of the blogosphere/marketing complex, a synergistic undertaking by the scum of the legal profession and their counterparts in marketing.  This is what the cheerleaders laud as helping the public to provide access to lawyers.  This is all about lies, lying and liars.

The anticipation is that you, a hungry lawyer in desperate need of business, have been sucked into the lie that starting a blog is the quickest route to success.  Toss some crap against the wall and clients will knock down your door.  But it didn’t quite happen.

Then you’re told that you need to post, and post a lot.  Except you have nothing to say, and your writing, well, stinks.  You’ve followed all the rules, used every keyword-rich SEO phrase that Google could want, and still the phone doesn’t ring.  Why, oh, why?

Then you get this email, from some nice fella like Andrew whose sucker-bot can’t be bothered to put your name into the salutation because he already knows that anybody desperate enough to take him up on the offer couldn’t care less about its seeming legitimacy.  Beggars aren’t choosers.  They take whatever scrap is offered.

And so this lifeline is thrown to you, a chance to grab something that might make your awful marketing blog stay afloat.  And you grab it.  Andrew gets his two links, to build Google juice for his DUI website and you get one more day of hope before you drown in failure.

Of course, not everything about this is a lie.  In fact, the disclaimer at the DUI lawyer website is quite accurate:

Paid Attorney Advertisement – This Web site . . . is a group advertisement for attorneys nationwide. It is not a lawyer referral service, nor is it a pre-paid legal services plan. Neither myDUIattorney or its parent company, Speakeasy Marketing, Inc are law firms.

The sole reason/basis for the inclusion of the participating lawyers and/or their law firms is the payment of a monthly fee for exclusive geographical advertising rights by counties served. We do not endorse nor recommend any lawyer or law firm who participates in our network.

This website does not make any representation and has not made any judgment as to the qualifications, expertise or credentials of any participating lawyer. The information contained herein is not legal advice. All information found on this site is informational in nature, and due to the fact that laws can and do change frequently, should be verified with a qualified source and is not to be relied upon for any legal defense.

You can’t quite blame Andrew for trying.  Like the rest of the cottage industry trying to suck a few bucks out of the middle the legal services industry, they depend on the desperation and ignorance of lawyers for their existence, and have no interest in the welfare of the public, or lawyers, at stake.  They just want your money or whatever Google juice you can provide so that they can get someone else’s money.

And nobody reads disclaimers, except the occasional curmudgeon.

But if you take Andrew up on his offer, you become an integral part of the lie, the machine that trashes the legal profession, that perpetuates the lies and reduces lawyers to bottom feeders.  Are you that desperate?  Perhaps you are, but this isn’t going to save you. 

Don’t embarrass yourself.  Don’t embarrass the rest of us.  If you let these scoundrels provide guest posts on your blog, the terrorists win.  Don’t let that happen.