Football season is here again, friends! The stadiums are packed with cheering fans, parking lots are full of tailgaters, and somehow I’ve once again decided the actions of a bunch of young men aged 18-23 will decide my mood on weekends for the rest of the year at minimum.

My beloved Tennessee Volunteers are in a bit of a rebuild again this year. Our quarterback is Faizon Brandon, a true freshman who looks like he’s got the potential to really make some waves this season. In his opening game against Furman, Brandon scored five touchdowns. The last QB to achieve that feat in the SEC was a fellow named Cam Newton.

Of course Brandon doesn’t have Newton’s extravagant hairstyle or flashy, GQ inspired wardrobe. Yet. He’s just got the NIL money right now folks. That’s for when he turns pro. I hope. The last guy we had with flashy hair didn’t exactly pan out like Vol fans desired.

Yes, Nico, I’m still looking at you all by your lonesome out there in California.

Anyway, on the other side of the ball we’ve got returning linebacker Arion Carter. Carter’s an interesting story. He previously declared for the NFL Draft after last season and took a plane flight paid for by his agent to the first round of NFL Draft activities before deciding he was better off finishing his senior year at UT and completing his education.

The NCAA wasn’t too happy about this and suspended Arion Carter for two games over this $427 plane flight. The suspension was later reduced to one game after UT Athletic Director Danny White pointed out the NCAA used to WANT student athletes to have four years of college.

No one does petty like the Vols, dear friends. With Carter suspended for the home opener, the team named him the sole captain for the game. That meant all the pregame duties like the coin flip, meeting the other captains midfield, and declaring who would kick and who would receive went solely to Carter. After the game, Arion announced he would donate $427 dollars for every tackle he made to cancer research.

Class act, that guy. He averaged about 7-8 tackles a game last season so that’s probably going to be a nifty chunk of change before all is said and done.

Unfortunately, that’s not the extent of the interesting stories floating around the SEC right now. No, for that you have to go to Louisiana and the biggest piece of shit in the conference—I said what I said—Lane Kiffin and LSU.

See, Kiffin got on the phone with two of his old players from Ole Miss who declared for the draft last season and got cut before making any NFL rosters. He convinced both of those guys to come back to play for him in Baton Rouge and finish out their eligibility years making at least a little more money.

Everyone else in the SEC said “No, Lane, you can’t do that.” Almost overnight the SEC decided to institute rules defining what collegiate eligibility meant. When Lane kept smiling and said “I’m totally going to roster them to LSU y’all,” the SEC then added severe penalties to coaches’ salaries, penalties to games, and to scholarships if a school rostered anyone who’d even so much as whiffed at an NFL roster.

Well all of that got muddied up when a Louisiana judge issued an injunction saying that not allowing these guys to play would violate LSU’s First Amendment rights of association or something stupid like that. It was an asinine ruling in a very convenient forum for Kiffin and the Tigers.

Which then led the SEC to file a lawsuit in Federal Court in Alabama claiming LSU had completely lost control of its athletic programs. In a sign of just how much the conference is fed up with Lane’s shit, attorneys for the SEC asked the judge to rule on whether the conference had the power to expel LSU for violating the conference’s rules.

There was supposed to be a meeting of the other SEC chancellors today on expelling LSU. For now, LSU is arguing the issue is moot as the team’s 105 man roster has been filled. The two former “NFL guys” can’t play for LSU now, so the Tigers are trying to say “No harm no foul, right?”

Keep your eyes peeled on that front, friends. Because if there’s one man in college football deserving of the moniker “Dirtiest Coach In the Game,” it’s that bastard Lane Kiffin.

Ask anyone in Knoxville, Tennessee or Oxford, Mississippi who’s ever dealt with the son of a whorehopper.

See y’all next time. Have a good weekend and enjoy the return of the NFL too!

(Speaking of which—WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK WAS DRAKE MAYE THINKING AT THE END OF THAT GAME WEDNESDAY NIGHT?)