Short Take: Speed Racer Roberts

It was a, ahem, shocking confession. Shot:

“Some time ago, outside the statute of limitations, I drove 60 miles an hour in a 55-mile-an-hour zone,” said Roberts, drawing laughter from those in the courtroom. But the chief didn’t crack a smile.


“I was not arrested,” he added.

For all you sanctimonious, self-righteous prigs who want all those bad hombres to get life plus cancer before sending them “home,” cut the bullshit. We, and by we, I mean you as well as me, all break the law. Some worse than others, but none of us, not even Chief Justice John Roberts, is so pure, so perfect, that he’s managed to live his life like Caesar’s wife. And I don’t care who you are or what lies you tell yourself or others. You don’t either. Hell, you don’t even know 90% of the laws, if not more, that can be broken on a daily hourly basis.

The key is the final statement, that he was not arrested. Nor was President Obama for smoking dope. This isn’t a matter of where you fall on the political spectrum, though if you’re going to wrap yourself up in virtue and bludgeon the enemy with it, one can’t help the Schadenfreude when it turns out you stand a little too wide in public restrooms.

The point is that “there, but for the grace of God (assuming you’re not a closet atheist)” go you. You did it. You weren’t arrested. That doesn’t make you any better than anyone else. It just makes you lucky. Maybe not as lucky as Speed Racer Roberts, but luckier than a million other people you revile.

Whether it’s three felonies a day, as Harvey Silverglate wrote, or less, isn’t important. None of us are perfect. And what are the chances that S.R Roberts doubled down on his lies by claiming only 60 when it was really 62?

11 thoughts on “Short Take: Speed Racer Roberts

  1. John Barleycorn

    Isn’t it a bit early to be reconciling your checkbook this month esteemed one?

    P.S. John is a Catholic school boy, who grew up with three sisters, took his Latin classes very seriously, had a father who ran a plant for a company that sported a company logo of an I-beam inside of an irregular hexagon, and went through puberty in Indiana. And all we get is a “speeding” confession?

    Oh well, I suspose he is holding out for a better book deal before he drops a few BB-gun stories while telling us about the death penalty or something.

      1. albeed

        Cow-tipping is not only permitted in Indiana, it is something of the state sport.

        Now I did my cow-tipping right in your neighborhood in Central Park, … at least I think they were cows.

        1. wilbur

          I used to tip them a minimum of 18%.

          I grew up in central Illinois, 7 miles from the Hoosier Heartland. I had heard mention of it but never knew what the hell cow tipping is.

          Finally looked it up now; it sounds like something you do when you’re drunk. Like a Roger Miller song.

          1. Agammamon

            “it sounds like something you do when you’re drunk.”

            Like pretty much every other thing you do in rural areas.

  2. Billy Bob

    The CJ’s confession is troubling, not because it’s so unusual, but because it’s presumably unusual for a CJ to make any sort of confession. Who cares if Roberts got arrested? Normally, you get “stopped” and possibly “ticketed” for speeding. (But they cannot stop everybody; their resources being limited.) “Arrest” is when you get stopped and taken into custody (for additional, non-discretionary violations). What we have here is a failure to communicate. That’s what’s troubling.

    Moving along, we are reminded of Martha Stewart who did a year of federal time, not because she broke any laws. But beeecause she allegedly lied to investigator(s) about her trading activities. She did not know whether she had engaged in “insider trading” or not, so she lied about what turned out to be perfectly legal. So what? Well, the Feds were not amused and they brought the hammer down,… to send a message that this type of behavior will not be tolerated. And certainly not a successful and prominent busyness lady in the community.

    The funny thing is, she didn’t have to say booo to the investigators at all. Under the Fifth Amendment, you have the right not to incriminate yourself in any activity whatsoever. Martha should have pleaded insanity for not keeping her mouth shut. She would have been better off. Or claimed that her so-called insider activities were nothing more than harmless cow-tipping.

    Wiki sez cow-tipping is an “urban myth”, and we do not doubt. If you’ve ever been anywhere near a real cow, you would understand that this is not something you want to try at home, or in your spare time. The problem with Roberts’ confession is that he’s the ultimate insider. Ha. Both amusing and disturbing at the same time. Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want. Like that great job at the law firm because your writing skilz were so poor, after spending all that tuition money at that fancy school in upstate New York.

    Yes, we’ll have another cup of coffee, thank you; that’s our government for you! We’re not going to comment on the Hoosier state, cause that’s where John C. Mellencamp is from. We like John C.

    1. Thomas

      IIRC, Martha’s situation resulted in part from utilizing the services of one of those big-time, former Federal prosecutors turned BIGLAW criminal defense lawyer.

      1. SHG Post author

        They sent in a rookie to sit next to Martha during her interview, who was unfamiliar with 1001 and the sound advice to refuse to answer.

Comments are closed.