Appellate Squawk Taken To The Star Chamber (Update)

An appellate* public defender was snatched in broad daylight and forced into the interrogation room. A public defender was given the third degree, demanded to reveal the co-conspirators. Not by the government. Not by the cops. Not by some shady cartel.

By the New York City Legal Aid Society. The public defender was Appellate Squawk, because the Squawk had been ungood. It began when the LAS changed its policies to focus first on social justice and later, if the opportunity presented itself, on defending the indigent. The Squawk reacted as any experienced public defender would, with satire.

Woke fantasies aside, the trenches are a tough place, where real people wallow in real misery, and the machinations of the deeply passionate are pretty damned foolish, bordering on dangerous, when applied to reality. This was obvious to Squawk, who understood the job of public defender is to defend the accused. To LAS, this was secondary to assuring that a lockup of killers, dealers and the downtrodden felt heard as to their gender expression.

So in the middle of the night, the LAS pinched the Squawk, brought her to the Star Chamber to force her to admit her heresy and give up the names of others in her coven.

[A] Barbie doll from a notoriously anti-labor law firm retained by our employer – reading aloud our post “Are you a cissie?” “What did you mean by that?” she kept wanting to know. “Yes, you can explain a joke, yes, you can, yes, you can!”

Squawk can pack more satire into a few sentences than anyone I know. The maligned women lawyers, to whom Above The Law has dedicated itself, are now well-employed by Biglaw as Torquemadas. What? You thought they would dedicate themselves to more banal, and low-paying, causes? Not the pretty ones. But that doesn’t mean they grasp parody.

After an hour and a half, Barbie finally came clean and told us what she wanted us to admit: that a reasonable person could read our blog as saying that transgenders are “a myth.” We didn’t understand. They’re perfectly visible and tangible, how could they be a myth?

Barbie may have an 18-inch waist, but she’s still a boob. If “reasonable” is defined as woker than dirt, perhaps. But if “reasonable” means capable of getting out of bed without hurting oneself, Barbie was saying “math is hard.” Squawk, on the other hand, was saying that the newfound LAS obsession with gender identity being more important than defending anyone, transgender or otherwise, was ridiculous.

But Barbie didn’t stop at trying to get Squawk to confess her own heresy. She wanted to know who her fellow travelers were.

She also wanted the emails of the subscribers to the Squawk.  But we followed the sterling example of the NY Public Library refusing to disclose the identity of its library card-carriers to Homeland Security. Our readers are safe with us.

Homeland Security has nothing on the Legal Aid Society when it comes to outing the heretics to be burned at the stake.

All because of some humorless prigs who got pissed off at our poking fun at their “trainings” advising us to quiz our clients about gender issues.

If you fear power in the hands of the horrible authoritarians, the witch hunts for the horrifying and exhausting, you can look to the right. And the left. If you thought the wondrous world of extreme empathy and tolerance would be better than the other team, meet Barbie and hand over your email so you can be taken to the Star Chamber to confess as well.

And of all the offenses that outrage the woke, the worst is to have a sense of humor. The Squawk is clearly guilty of Satire in the First Degree. The Legal Aid Society won’t rest until she’s convicted and executed.

Update: Judge Kopf, moved by the circumstances, reached out to the “Dean” of #AppellateTwitter to see if he could get them to take an interest in Squawk’s situation. The Dean was . . . disinterested.

*The name “Appellate Squawk” was picked arbitrarily, but because Squawk does appeals. One might suppose that the castrato chorus at #AppellateTwitter would be singing in her favor. One would be wrong, as they’ve taken no notice of this. The most obvious reason is that there is nothing to be gained by supporting an appellate lawyer who wouldn’t add to their self-congratulatory party. The less obvious reason is that their social justice sensibilities would likely place them closer to Barbie than Squawk.

On the other hand, more serious and prominent appellate lawyers and public defenders, Jeff Gamso, Peter Goldberger and Alex Bunin, aren’t afraid of invoking the wrath of the woke. Unfortunately, the same apparently can’t be said of the Legal Aid Society lawyers’ union.

34 thoughts on “Appellate Squawk Taken To The Star Chamber (Update)

  1. Appellate Squawk

    LOL! And on an early Sunday morning, yet! Actually, the Union was very supportive. People are showering complaints on their fellow employees like rice at a wedding, thanks to management’s express encouragement.

    1. SHG Post author

      It has to be tough for the union, with their members turned against each other to rid LAS of the last vestige of the insufficiently woke. And a handful of rice thrown in the face with sufficient force can do some serious damage.

    2. B. McLeod

      You know, once the moron train is on the track, the morons will never stop until you have been purged form the organization. Logic and not having done anything wrong will not save you long term.

  2. Richard Kopf


    The Inquisition was stupid and Squawk’s piece could never, ever be read as suggesting that “transgenders are ‘a myth.’” But, let’s assume otherwise for a moment.

    What if Squawk had written, and confirmed to Barbie, that Squawk believed that being transgender was a myth, but she would provide the same rigorous defense to those claiming to be transgender that she would provide anyone else?

    All the best.


    1. SHG Post author

      As if a public defender providing a zealous defense of the accused was . . . sufficient? I’m literally shaking. It’s almost as if criminal defense lawyers defend murderers even though they are against murder. Crazy.

          1. Wrongway

            My wife watches these, “Justice Channels”.. ( I call it murder porn.. ) .. & they rarely, if ever provide the CDL’s point of view.
            But when they do, the spin is usually ‘oh they were rich & could afford this “High Profile” guy.. but We All Know He Was Guilty!!’.. it turns my stomach to see it .. there are entire channels on cable now devoted to this stuff.. & I’m pretty sure that my wife is not alone in its forming an opinion in the back of their minds, of criminals in the courts, & of those who represent them.

            1. SHG Post author

              It’s all justice. Someone’s. Maybe not mine or yours, but someone’s. And that’s what makes for compelling TV.

    2. Appellate Squawk

      Here’s a sort of answer: Last March someone sent around an email saying, “Let’s remember transgenders on International Women’s Day.” A Jewish Orthodox lawyer snapped back, “In my religion it’s a sin.” He was accused of saying transgenders don’t exist. He wrote back, “Fine, exist, but leave me out of it.” There was never any question that he was an excellent lawyer and totally dedicated to defending anyone who happened to be his client, but he was immediately suspended without pay and eventually fired. Very impolitic of him to make that remark, but we wonder if they would have fired a Muslim or a Black evangelical Christian for that.

      1. Rojas

        I reckon an opt out policy was a bridge too far.
        Out here in the middle every day is International Women’s Day.

          1. B. McLeod

            Dear God. Thrown out of the lucrative practice segment at Legal Aid Society? I hope he has managed alright. Something, something briar patch.

      2. Richard Kopf

        Dear AS,

        For what it is worth, I have enormous respect for your commitment to providing zealous representation while laughing at the Ministry for State Security. As I believe David Meyer-Lindenberg will confirm, Zersetzung was a thing not very long ago. Apparently, the “decomposition” of non-believers has arisen once again.

        Like the Stasi, I’m betting your superiors once had a file choke-full of examples of your deviant thoughts. It might be shits and giggles to see it. On second thought, the burn bag has probably sanitized things.

        All the best.


        PS By the way, nobody likes Orthodox Jews.

  3. David Meyer-Lindenberg

    It’s a terrible shame that those willing to defend the indigent are also, apparently, the least qualified to do so. Squawk deserves massive praise for doing her job in an environment where nobody else can even anymore.

    1. SHG Post author

      The sensibility that comes with defending the indigent now includes a social justice bundle as well, creating an irreconcilable conflict which they fail to grasp or refuse to acknowledge. That they have no sense of humor, a staple of public defenders forever, suggests their head will explode when they realize the defts don’t give a shit about their feelz or they will devour themselves.

      As for Squawk, she’s old school. She just defends her clients, regardless of what the others are shrieking about.

  4. B. McLeod

    How does a legal aid society “pinch” someone “in the middle of the night”? Do they send a goon squad to the bar where you are drinking? And, is this the same legal aid society whose lawyers mock the attire of female litigants in family court? (I know I’m impressed).

  5. Miles

    Am I to understand that Judge Kopf believed that Melkonian and the #AppellateTwitter group could have made some meaningful contribution to Squawk’s situation?

    1. SHG Post author

      No, they’re insignificant and had nothing of significance to contribute, though every person who adds something intelligent to a discussion contributes, even if only in a small way. Judge Kopf was testing Raffi’s integrity and that of the happy gang, as this involved someone for whom they should naturally be concerned if they were more than a circle jerk of vapid bootlickers. They failed the test.

        1. SHG Post author

          I have substantial disdain for the Happysphere. Even more so when it’s a lawyer happysphere. It happens every few years on the internets, and it always ends poorly.

      1. Miles

        What’s most interesting is that Melkonian didn’t even ask what Judge Kopf was talking about, assuming he didn’t already know and wasn’t lying about it being a “random fight.” Was this complete lack of interest in an issue of substance, or was this butthurt because Judge Kopf didn’t rub his tummy?

        1. SHG Post author

          Obviously, I have no clue what was in his head, but he certainly seems pretty aggressively disinterested. Not only didn’t he ask, but he made it quite clear he wanted nothing more to do with it. Was this Judge Kopf? Could be, but then, big boy lawyers usually are tough enough to get to the substance even if someone hurt their feelings.

          1. Richard Kopf


            Consider this, however. If I tweeted to myself I would likely respond “fuck you.”

            All the best.


      2. Scott Jacobs

        For a brief moment, I had some regard for those clowns. The longer I’m on twitter, the more I realize that the vast, vast majority of lawyers on there are fucking worthless.

        1. SHG Post author

          Some of them appear to be good lawyers, notwithstanding their antics in this affinity group. Others have no existence but for it, their “membership” being the only claim to internet “fame” and acceptance they have, and they use this to fill a void in their lives. But as a group, it’s empty, and as similar groups before it have proven, it creates a self-validating circle jerk of emptiness.

          Even the good lawyers get caught up in the quest for approval and validation, which means they fear doing anything that might reduce their acceptance or prominence in the group. That’s why it’s called the Happysphere, where the only goal is to give validation and make each other happy for the returned approval.

          If this kinda sounds like other things going on at the moment, it’s because it is.

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