The Oscar watching at SJ World Headquarters is usually limited to the opening, often a hilariously funny affair with some film montage and a comic monologue to set the tone of the evening. The awards don’t particularly interest me, and if anything crazy happens, the next day is soon enough for me to find out.

Jimmy Kimmel’s 2018 Academy Awards opening broke the mold.

As virtuous as it gets, amirite? One can only hope that the movies to come will similarly reflect the brave new world of correctness.

As Patrick, on his satirical twitter account anticipated, the stars did their part.

U.S. “Oscar” awards expected to feature fabulously rich Hollywood stars lecturing peasants concerning their moral failings.

— DPRK News Service (@DPRK_News) March 4, 2018

Was it not beautiful to see those fabulous stars, bejeweled and perfectly coiffed in their designer gowns and tuxedos, expressing their suffering to the people watching at home, as if someone forced them to do as Harvey Weinstein wanted in exchange for their movie roles, wealth and glory, which they eagerly accepted in complicit silence?

I, for one, was damn near moved to tears at their suffering and trauma.

But the Mark Wahlberg problem was curious. He got $1.5 million for reshoots after Kevin Spacey was disappeared from All The Money In The World following accusations of impropriety, while Michelle Williams got the standard per diem, $80 per day, amounting to about $1000. So Wahlberg donated his salary to the sexual misconduct defense initiative Time’s Up in Williams’ name.

While that’s nice, what did Wahlberg do that compelled him to make this act of contrition? Their mutual agents failed to get her a better deal. The producers failed to pay her better. But Wahlberg didn’t do anything wrong. Why should he disgorge his salary? But he did, and the audience applauded his largesse. How very woke ally of him.

But if that was such a wonderful thing, what of the others in the audience, the guys who made $20 million for their lead role while the leading woman made a mere $10 million? Has this not been the case forever? Yet they wrote no checks. Not that I have any clue why money is needed for the “defense initiative Time’s Up,” unless those adorable virtue pins worn were made of platinum.

It’s not that Kimmel’s opening was completely devoid of humor. There was the jet ski gag, although using Helen Mirren to play spokesmodel was, frankly, shockingly sexist. I was literally shaking.

The evening was meant to send a message, that the days of horrifying entertainment past are over, and that we will have movies made by people of the right race, gender and sexual orientation about issues of social justice with messages that will even suck the fun out of Wakanda and beat you about the head over your moral failings.

It’s not that the stars of Hollywood will forsake their jewels, their gowns, the tuxes, their lifestyles or bank accounts for the sake of others. It’s not even that the guys will keep their hands off the gals, or the guys, or whatever floats their boat. It’s that they want you to believe they care so you will adore them for their virtue, even if they’re wearing a dress that costs more than your car.

What? You thought all that was real, honest, sincere? Oh, poor TV viewer. That was acting. The Oscars are all about fine acting, and that was some of the finest. But if you tuned in for entertainment, then you’re undeserving of an Academy Award.