Friends, when one decides to start up a fight promotion, the general rule of thumb is you don’t want the fighters putting you out of business before you run your first show. Unfortunately for the team at Duel Arena, they decided to fund a bunch of crazy people to fight on Youtube.

And somehow, I found out about this shit.

“Duel Arena 1” was a fight card that happened last weekend. It was a hybrid card featuring exhibition boxing matches, MMA fights, and kickboxing matches all in a cage. Because that’s what we do these days in America. We say “rules be damned,” and we throw influencers, former pro wrestlers, and kickboxers in a cage for fun because crypto bros have too much money.

But let’s actually discuss the craziness that happened here, because it’s a slow day and I’ve got nothing better to make fun of.

One of the exhibition boxing matches scheduled was between Patrick Clark and Ryan Pownall. Now those names are probably unfamiliar to the majority of you, and that’s okay. Patrick Clark is a former WWE wrestler who went by the moniker “The Velveteen Dream” during his time with the company. Charitably described as “mildly unhinged on a good day,” Clark left WWE after allegations of him sending nude photos to underage boys surfaced on social media.

His opponent, Ryan Pownall, was billed as the “King of Ragebait.” A podcast host, Pownall is best known for “Pillow Talk,” a show where he interviews adult film actors and actresses.

Friends, this whole fight went sideways at the press conference.

Pownall immediately came after Clark by saying he was doing the fight for his friends who’d been sexually assaulted in the past because of Clark’s history of sending nudes to underage boys. This set Clark off to the point where he accused Pownall of…how to put this charitably…pleasuring himself on his podcast to a video of Pownall’s midget cousin — named “Tiny Smalls” — getting abused on video.

Now, friends, when fighters are paid to talk people into the building, it’s usually with a few caveats. You’re not supposed to go off both barrels on your opponent and accuse them of…WELL…for one, you really shouldn’t say your opponent’s been accused of sending dick pics to minors. And you likewise shouldn’t say in return that the other guy gets off on watching people who look like children get abused on video.

That’s the kind of stuff that stops people from coming to Duel Arena 2. But no one told Pownall or Clark that. At all.

Clark would go on to allege Pownall had two lawsuits from ex-girlfriends for pimping them out. Pownall responded by calling Clark a “Pedophile piece of shit” who “went from fighting at Madison Square Garden to doing MMA fights in the food court at the mall.”

This set Clark off. He removed his shirt, grabbed a metal pole, and tried to strike Pownall with it. Security removed Clark as Pownall screamed something about Clark being a closeted gay dude. “That’s the problem! Just come out of the closet!” Pownall kept shrieking as Clark was led away.

As Billy Mays said, “Wait, there’s more.”

The next part of the press conference was supposed to feature two “Professional” MMA fighters, Alex Nicholson and Brad Taylor, to discuss their fight. Nicholson was asked how he felt about being in a room where it felt like anyone could pop off at any given moment.

Alex’s response: “I’m not into touching little kids but I could hold all four of these guys down and fuck ‘em…I’m not into dudes though.”

Okay. So let me get this straight. After Clark and Pownall’s shitshow of a presser, you bring up this “professional” MMA fighter to sell a card, and his response is “I’m not into dudes or little kids but I could totally fuck all four of those guys that just spoke.”

RIIGHT.

And did I mention at this point Patrick Clark came back into the press conference, attempted to jump Ryan Pownall, and got clocked in the face for his efforts?

Because that totally happened.

While the dude who just spoke about trying to have relations with four men (but totally isn’t into dudes) said he was exercising restraint by not punching Clark because he “could’ve cracked that guy’s skull open but didn’t.”

But anyway. I’m reliably informed the boxing match between Clark and Pownall ended in a DQ after Clark threw his opponent through the ropes of the boxing ring.

Which was in a cage. Isn’t that like putting a hat on a hat?

And no I didn’t actually watch this shit. I have standards. It’s on Youtube if you care.

See y’all next time. I think I’m going to stick to football for a while to cleanse my soul.