The Funny Pages

The “Little Flower,” Mayor Fiorello La Guardia, was faced with a newspaper delivery strike that lasted 17 days. He didn’t call the national guard, but took to the radio.

On July 1, La Guardia was scheduled for his regular Sunday broadcast of Talk to the People, a weekly radio show he held on WNYC. At one point in the show, he encouraged his listeners to gather their children around the radio, and commenced to reading that day’s “Dick Tracy” comic from the Sunday Daily News. With obvious relish, the mayor described the action in the panels, impersonated the voices of various characters, and reminded listeners of the plot that had led up to that moment. At the end of each strip, he would explicate the moral of that week’s adventure to his young listeners.

I’ve written two posts this morning, but reflected upon the weekend’s news, the federal government shutdown, and the one word that permeates almost every editorial and op-ed over the weekend and for the past couple years. I’ve decided that instead of posting what I’ve already written, we would do better to find something to bring a smile to our faces than to wallow in the constant stream of misery.

Anybody got a good joke, a funny story, something that has nothing to do with Trump but will get a chuckle? We need a break from the idiocy and could use a laugh. Have at it. I know I could use it.

54 thoughts on “The Funny Pages

  1. Kirk Taylor

    100 Angry Chicago Bears fans proved that, no, they couldn’t make the 43 yard field goal that Cody Parkey missed even with a brewery offering a year of free beer if they made it. 0-101 attempts.

  2. Richard Kopf

    SHG,

    Social scientists have determined that long term happy marriages are the product of eyesight diminishing at the same rate as physical appearance. When the slope of both lines parallel one another happiness with one’s spouse in older years is maximized. Stated differently, there is no need for a trophy spouse when such a situation is present.

    All the best.

    RGK

  3. REvers

    In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: the police, who shoot people and pets in their homes, and the prosecutors, who hide exculpatory evidence. These are their bullshit stories.

  4. WFG

    Have you heard the one about the prostitute who got an appendectomy?

    She decided she would try to make a little money on the side.

  5. Jim Cline

    Three Texans drinking coffee,
    Rancher #1, My ranch is so big when I leave the house at 6 I don’t get off my property till 8 o’clock.
    Rancher #2, Hell that’s nothin’. When I leave my house at 6 I don’t leave my land till 9.
    Rancher #3, Heck fellas, when I leave my house at 6 it’s 11 by the time I get through my gate.
    Rancher #2, No shit? … I had a pickup like that once.

    1. szr

      I object to your generalization that we Texans are all braggarts.

      If anything Texans are the humblest people in the Union!

      1. Charles

        When Congress was debating the admission of Alaska to the Union, they were concerned at how Texans would feel about their state being only the second largest. So they briefly considered making the territory of Alaska into two states, but they quickly realized that would make Texas only the third-largest state…

  6. BottledJuice

    Got no time for paragraphs….

    A man walks into a bar and sits down and orders a drink. He then notices a Jar that is full of money. The man asks the bartender what the jar is for. The bartender then says that he has a donkey in the back room and if anyone can make him him laugh they win the money. If not they owe me 100 dollars. The man say I can do it! So he goes into the back room and about 5 minutes later the bartender hears the donkey laughing out loud. The man walks out and takes the money from the jar, thanks the bartender, and leaves. About a month later the man comes back into the bar and there is a new jar of money. The man asks the bartender what the new jar of money is for. The bartender looks at the man and says if you can make the donkey cry the money is yours, if not you owe me 100 dollars. The man says ok I’ll do it! He walks into the back room and about 2 minutes has goes by when the bartender hears the donkey crying. The man walks out and grabs the money out of the jar, but before the man leaves the bartender asks, “How did you make the donkey laugh?” The man looks at the bartender and says, “Well the first time I told the donkey that I had a bigger pecker then he did”. “How did you make him cry?” ask the bartender? Well I showed him.

    1. B. McLeod

      One day I was in a bar, when a bear walked in. He shuffled over to the bar, and said to the bartender, “I would like a rum and . . . Coke.” The bartender said, “A rum and Coke, sure. But why the long pause?”

      And the bear said, “I’m a bear.”

        1. m.jed

          A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “My dog can talk!” The bartender, incredulous, says, “Oh yeah, prove it.” So the man says to the dog, “what’s the texture of tree bark?” to which the dog replies, “rough.” The man then asks, “what’s the top of a house called?” and the dog responds, “roof.” Finally, the man inquires, “who’s the greatest New York Yankee of all time?” and the dog shouts out, “DiMaggio!”

        2. JAV

          What do you say to an elephant?
          Hello!

          What do you say to an elephant wearing sunglasses?
          Nothing; you don’t recognize him.

        3. Matt G Brown

          A priest, a rabbi, and a lawyer walk into a bar and the bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?!?”

    2. James

      Friday afternoon after a long week at the office, Rene Descartes walks into his neighborhood bar and grabs a stool. “The usual, Rene?” says the bartender. Rene says “I think not,” and disappears.

  7. Hunting Guy

    The old man was critically ill. He called his lawyer. “I want to become a lawyer,” he said. “How much for a quickie law degree?”
    “About $50,000,” the lawyer said, “But why bother?”
    “That’s my business. Get me the course.”
    Four days later the lawyer delivered the new law degree. Suddenly the old man was wracked with fits of coughing, and it was clear the end was near.
    “Please, before it’s too late,” said the lawyer, “Tell me why you wanted a law degree now?”
    As he breathed his last , the old man whispered, “One less lawyer.”

  8. Skink

    The Swamp, geographically, is sometimes Fuckingnitwitland. Ripped from the headlines:

    Florida Man on the Run After Shoving Footlong Sandwich down His Pants.
    Florida Man Attempts to Time Travel, Crashes into Building Instead.
    Florida Man Thinks Rapture Is Happening, Burns down House Stocked with Flamethrowers & Explosive Ammo
    Florida Man Reports Dead Body by Taking Skull to Publix, Using It as a Hand Puppet.

    And it ain’t just our mens. The womens is a little off sometimes:

    Police: Florida woman farts in store, threatens to ‘gut’ man who complains.
    Florida woman arrested after swinging bag filled with Chihuahuas at bar, police say.

    When you add in the dumb animal stuff, like pythons exploding while trying to eat gators, can we really be blamed for not being up on world events?

  9. DaveL

    A 70 year-old man is having his annual physical. His doctor tells him “For a man your age, you’re in excellent shape!”

    The man says, “I ought to be, every day I run 5 miles and swim 100 laps in the pool.”

    “That’s great,” says the doctor, “how old was your father when he died?”

    “I never said my father was dead.”

    “Really?”

    “Sure! He’s 90 years old, and every day he still walks two miles and does 50 laps in the pool.”

    “Incredible. Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?”

    “I never said my grandfather was dead.”

    “You’re kidding…”

    “Nope, he’s 109 years old, still walks a mile each day and swims 25 laps, and next month he’s getting married.”

    The doctor is shocked, and a little perplexed. “Why on earth would a 109 year-old man want to get married?”

    “I never said he wanted to get married.”

    1. Jim P.

      A man in Memphis goes to his doctor because he is overweight and has high blood pressure. Doc told him to exercise more. Told him to walk 5 miles a day. Five weeks later he calls Doc back. I’m in Nashville. Do i need to keep walking?

  10. B. McLeod

    One day I was in this rustic little saloon out west, when the doors swung open, and a dog hobbled in, with its left front leg in a cast. It hobbled all the way up to the bar, and the barman leaned out over the bar to look down and ask the dog, “May I help you?”

    And then the dog said, “I’m lookin’ for the man who shot my paw.”

  11. Ingot9455

    A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as
    chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in
    Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for
    coffee and to talk shop.

    One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t
    really all that hard – a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
    One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They
    would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and
    attempt to convert it.

    Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

    Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and
    had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. ‘Well,’ he
    said, ‘I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him,
    I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted
    nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly
    grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he
    became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give
    him first communion and confirmation.’

    Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one
    arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best
    fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, ‘WELL, brothers, you KNOW that
    we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began
    to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing
    to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We
    wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a
    creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just
    like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the
    day praising Jesus…Hallelujah!

    The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who
    was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with
    IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad
    shape. The Rabbi looked up and said: “Looking back on it, …
    circumcision may not have been the best way to start.

    1. Luke G

      I heard that after the three recovered, they went on a wilderness camping trip together but got lost in the backcountry. Eventually, staring down starvation, they realized that their food supplies had dwindled to a single corned-beef sandwich. Rather than split it up they decided to get a good night’s sleep and whoever dreamt the best dream was the chosen one to get the food.

      In the morning, Father Flannery said “I dreamt that I died, and was carried up to heaven. Saint Peter rushed out from behind his desk, took me by the hand, and said they’d been waiting eagerly for me as he led me through the pearly gates. I think that qualifies as a pretty good dream!”

      Reverend Billy Bob shook his head and countered “Sorry, brother, but I also dreamt I died- but when I got to the pearly gates it was Jesus Christ himself who came to meet me, calling me his brother as he took me personally for an audience with the almighty. I reckon that means I get the sandwich.”

      They both turned to look at Rabbi Shapiro who simply shrugged- “I dreamt I saw you both borne up to your pearly gates and welcomed into heaven, an it was beautiful. But I was still stuck down here, and I waited, and waited, and eventually I figured that you weren’t going to come back for dinner…”

  12. wilbur

    What’s the difference between a Yankee fan and a dentist?

    One roots for the Yanks, the other yanks for the roots.

    Boys Life, 1964

  13. Robert

    A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The bartender looks at him and says, “But you’re a duck”
    “I see your eyes are working” replies the duck.
    “And you talk!” exclaims the bartender.
    “I see your ears are working” says the duck, “now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?”
    “Certainly,” says the bartender, “sorry about that, it’s just we don’t get many talking ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?”
    “I’m working on the building site across the road” explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues for about 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
    The ring leader of the circus comes into the pub and the bartender says to him; “You’re with the circus aren’t you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!”
    “Sounds marvellous” says the ringleader, “get him to give me a call.”
    So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The bartender says, “Hey Mr Duck. I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!”
    “Yeah?” says the duck, “Sounds great, where is it?”
    “At the circus” says the bartender.
    “The circus?” the duck enquires.
    “That’s right” replies the bartender.
    “The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?
    “That’s right!” says the bartender.
    The duck looks confused. “What the fuck do they want with a plasterer?”

  14. ShootingHipster

    A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. “Why of course,” comes the reply. The first man then asks: “Where are you from?” “I’m from Ireland,” replies the second man. The first man responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Ireland too! Let’s have another round to Ireland.” “Of course,” replies the second man. I’m curious, the first man then asks: “Where in Ireland are you from?” “Dublin,” comes the reply. “I can’t believe it,” says the first man. “I’m from Dublin too! Let’s have another drink to Dublin.” “Of course,” replies the second man. Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: “What school did you go to?” “Saint Vincent’s,” replies the second man, “I graduated in ’62.” “This is unbelievable!”, the first man says. “I went to Saint Vincent’s and I graduated in ’62, too!”
    About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. “What’s been going on?” he asks the bartender. “Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The O’Malley twins are drunk again.”

  15. John Moyles

    My favorite part of Blazing Saddles. My understanding is that Wilder was ad-libbing a lot of this trying to get Little to break character. The laugh at the end is Wilder finally breaking him.

    It’s also somewhat relevant to pretty much everything going on since the dawn of time.

  16. st

    It’s a cold night and the little bar in the mountains north of Fairbanks is doing a brisk business.

    The door burst open and a tall man walks in.

    “I’m from Texas and I’m mighty pissed off and ashamed to learn that Texas is only the second largest state in the union. I’ll do whatever it takes to become a true blue Alaskan!”

    This provokes a lot of merriment and discussion in the bar crowd. After 15 minutes they tell the Texan that to be a real Alaskan you must
    – drink a quart of whiskey
    – wrestle a grizzly bear
    – make love to a woman
    in order, all in one night.

    “I’ll do it!” yells the Texan. He chugs a bottle of whiskey and heads out into the night.

    Everyone figures it was the last they would see of him but a few hours later he comes staggering through the door. His clothes are ripped and filthy, he’s bleeding from several places, and he sways as he stands. But there is still fire in his eyes.

    “All right you bastards! Where’s this woman you want me to wrestle?”

  17. CLS

    A young woman without purpose decides to end her life by jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge. She’s stopped by a young man taken by her beauty.

    “There’s so much of this world to live for!” he tells her. “Look, I’m a sailor. Come with me tomorrow on my boat. We’re heading to Italy. I’ll give you a place to stay on board and all the food and drink you’ll ever want.”

    The young woman agrees, largely because she’s never been to Italy. The sailor stows her in a cabin and brings her food and wine daily. Each night they spend the evening making love until the sun rises.

    One day the ship’s captain does a surprise inspection of the lower decks and finds the stowaway.

    “You don’t understand,” she tells him. “I have an arrangement with one of your sailors. In exchange for my companionship he brings me food and wine on this trip to Italy.”

    “Mmm-hmm,” the Captain replies.

    Feeling a need to be completely transparent, the young lady adds, “And he’s screwing me.”

    “Oh there’s no question of that, young lady,” the Captain says. “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”

  18. JAV

    Here’s a little local flavor:

    Sven: Ole, you got a sign out front dat says ‘Boat for sale’, but you only got yer tractor and combine out dere.

    Ole: Yeah Sven, and dere boat fer sale!

    1. B. McLeod

      That is worse than the sad case of Sam Ting, who had to stand in line behind a big Swede at an immigration facility, and ended up with “Ole Gustafson” on all his paperwork.

  19. hal

    An old widower decides to got to a brothel. He’s not been to a brothel is decades so when the madam tells him it’ll cost him $200, he exclaims “You’re putting me on!”.

    The madam says “OK, but that’ll be another $50”.

  20. Grum

    (So forgive me for approximating accents from the deep south of your fine country).
    Three women, sitting on the porch of an evening, shooting the shit…
    Gal #1: I call my husban’ Jupiter, ‘coz he fucks like a god!
    Gal #2: Well, I calls MY husban’ John Deere, ‘cos he can plough all day (and night).
    Gal #3: I calls MY husban’ Beaujolais.
    Gals #1 & #2: Hey, ain’t that some kind of a fancy likker?
    Gal #3: He sho’ is!

  21. JR

    A music joke for guitardave

    A C, E-flat and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, “we don’t serve minors in here.”

    The E-flat leave and the C and G have a fifth between them.

    With all the drinking the the G is diminished and turns into a F-sharp.

    I know, I know, keep my day job.

    1. Guitardave

      …minors 🙂
      ..so what happened to the C? He got suspended for hangin’ round an F with a switch blade..(rim-shot)

  22. rxc

    A sailor spends a day doing chores on his boat, and then cleans up and heads up to the tavern at the top of the marina. He walks in and finds it pretty empty, but he notices a woman sitting alone at the end of the bar. A closer look reveals her to be the most beautiful woman he has ever seen, and she is alone.

    He sits down at the bar and orders a drink. The woman looks up and gives him a slight, but friendly smile. The sailor takes this as an encouraging sign, so he asks whether he can buy her a drink, and she nods her approval.

    They move closer to one another and enjoy a few more drinks, talking and getting to know one another better, when she leans over and whispers in his ear,
    “You know, for $100, I would do anything you like.”

    The sailor thinks about this for a second and responds

    “Anything?”

    “Anything”, she answers.

    He thinks about this for a few seconds, and then pulls out his wallet and plunks down five $20 bills on the bar.

    “Wax my boat”

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