A blue-ribbon task force, comprised of plaintiffs’ personal injury attorneys, appellate judges, lawmakers, and counsel to the Governor, assembled in Madison, Wisconsin this week to determine why proposals from the previous task force assigned to address Wisconsin’s failing indigent defense system didn’t work.

“Obviously, we’ve got to do something here,” said Judge Marcus Brody.

The last time we put a task force on indigent defense together they made great holistic recommendations like raising pay rates for lawyers taking court appointed cases, mandatory training for potential indigent defense counsel, and a review of the state’s cash bail system. But here we are, three years later and a quarter of a million dollars in the hole, and all the state legislature did is give private attorneys an extra $5 per hour for their in-court time!”

“And that’s just not going to do the trick,” added University of Wisconsin Law School Dean Bart McMaster. “Anyone with a pulse knows the annual indigent defense appropriation is one of the least popular the Wisconsin General Assembly passes every year. Each session it’s a struggle to prevent cuts. Some years it’s a struggle to keep the appropriation at all. We’ve got to figure out other ways to make this system work, like automated billing and scannable court filings.”

Justin “Slimy” Claudicationem, Wisconsin State Bar President, applauded the creation of this new Task Force. “We are thrilled Wisconsin’s finest are committing themselves once more to looking into overhauling our State’s indigent defense problem. Sure, when they just gave us a measly five bucks extra after spending years and $250 grand to hold “listening tours,” we could have held their feet to the fire and said ‘not good enough,’ but it’s important to give politicians a pat on the head, tummy rub, and extra lunch stipend when they do good.”

When confronted with the harsh reality that this new Task Force would only offer recommendations, and the Wisconsin State Legislature would actually have to pass laws once the new Task Force issued its own set of recommendations, President Claudicationem  asked, “Oh geez, do you think we need a Task Force to look at why the Task Force can’t pass laws to fix all this stuff?”

In the meantime, Wisconsin’s populace was thrilled to hear the new Task Force planned to overhaul the last failed overhaul of the state’s indigent defense system. “Maybe once this new Task Force does something, we’ll be a state known for something other than the Packers and that Netflix documentary!” said Marvin Denton, a dairy farmer.

Others were indifferent to the new Task Force’s assembly. “Meh, I don’t see why criminals need lawyers,” said Madison-area gym teacher Butch Stone. “If they get arrested, it’s because they did something bad. Why should I have to pay for them to have a lawyer?”

Everyone’s head turned when the American Civil Liberties Union sent in their power duo of celebrated Wisconsin lawyer Dean Strang and California almost-attorney Kim Kardashian-West. “Holy cow, maybe change is coming,” Claudicationem said in awe. “She got the President to pardon someone! If she can do that, she can fix our nightmarish indigent defense system!”

And that, gentle reader, is when I woke up.