Seaton: Deputy Tyrone’s ABCs

Prefatory Note: Sheriff Roy emailed me a copy of the following document he found on Deputy Tyrone’s desk scrawled in crayon. He asked me if he should be concerned. I told Sheriff Roy I’d put a transcript on SJ and let the public decide.

A is for Arrest, I like to do to stiffs
B is for Baton, this tool I club you with
C is for Criminals, all are bad guys
D is for Defendant, people who always lie
E is for Execute, it’s what we do with warrants
F is for Forfeit, how cops civilly line their pockets
G is for Guilty, the status of perps I pop
H is for Handcuffs, what I slap on folks I drop
I is for Innocent, which no one ever is,
J is for Jail, where we lock the bad guys in
K is for Kill, which we kinda do to dogs
M is for Miranda, rights we read to perps ’cause laws
N is for Not Guilty, verdicts stupid lawyers get
O is for Oppression, what us cops live with
P is for Prosecute, what good lawyers do
Q is for Question, we do it for nine hours too
R is for Rights, bad people don’t have any
S is for Sentence, long ones mean justice plenty
T is for Truth, what criminals never tell
U is for unjust, no sentence fits this bill
V is for violent, a thing Sheriff says ain’t in my will
W is for Warrant, paper people say we need
X is for Xcuses, no criminals have any
Y is for “You’re Under Arrest,” I like to say it plenty
Z is for Zebra, my favorite animal today

And that’s how I know my ABCs, ‘cause I write them out this way!

Addendum: On reading this I’m never going near Mud Lick on the off chance I might run into Deputy Tyrone. Can anyone see about a travel advisory for this backwater burg?

23 thoughts on “Seaton: Deputy Tyrone’s ABCs

  1. Richard Kopf


    Tell Sheriff Roy not to be concerned. Reading and writing starts with knowing and then (this is crucial) remembering your A, B, C’s.

    Deputy Tyrone’s evident desire to read and write is laudable. Perhaps, after years of practice, he will be able to learn the art of writing false confessions for the illiterate perps to place their “X” on after nine hours of interrogation by Tyrone. Hearing the “ABC” song repeated over and over again for nine hours will cause even the worst criminals in Mudlick to break.

    All the best.


    1. CLS

      Duly noted, Your Honor. It’s just hard some days to tell, I understand, if Deputy Tyrone’s showing signs of self-improvement or a return to his “Aggressively Beating Criminals” mindset.

  2. Patrick Maupin

    This Tyrone dude is, dangerously, exhibiting a bit more self-awareness than previously seemed possible.

    1. B. McLeod

      At least putting to rest the lingering doubts as to whether the deputies in Mud Lick were literate.

    1. CLS

      There’s no relation, but if you’re interested on a bit more of Deputy Tyrone’s backstory check out last Friday’s post.

    2. Howl

      Maybe Sheriff Roy saw the havoc created when he fired deputy Pitts (who then went to work for the sheriff in Dismal Seepage, Arkansas) and figures everybody would be better off if he just kept Tyrone on a short leash.

      1. CLS

        It’s a sound theory. Given the good Sheriff reached out to a Tennesseean for input on the mind of someone in his Department, it also shows real compassion for Deputy Tyrone.

  3. L. Phillips

    As long as the Sheriff leaves Tyrone on desk duty with no sidearm and no access to the motor pool the arch criminal masterminds of Mud Lick should be safe.

    1. CLS

      Recent dispatches from Mud Lick indicate the Sheriff’s Department learned their lesson from Deputy Tyrone’s ill-fated Starbucks run.

      1. L. Phillips

        That would explain why “T” was for truth, rather than:

        T is for Taser, with which I light them up.

          1. Patrick Maupin

            And why “S” was for “Sentence”, which requires a long and uncertain process, rather than “Spasm” (Cadaveric).

    1. CLS

      I just transcribed what I could decipher from Deputy Tyrone’s crayon scribbles. If I’d actually written that, I would have picked something better than “Excuses” for the letter X.

      And I’d be calling myself stupid too.

      Good to see you again, Jim.

    1. CLS

      Quite the eagle eye, Anonymous. I reached out to Sheriff Roy and pointed out that detail.

      He’s now concerned more that he’s got a deputy who thinks a key letter in spelling “Alphabet,” “Alabama,” and “Mud Lick” isn’t printed in the ABCs because it’s “silent.”

      I’ve been asked to report Deputy Tyrone’s desk duty for the next three weeks is filling out five copies of the first grade “A is for Apple ABC Coloring Book.” It does include the letter L.

  4. Guitardave

    This display of poetic mastery may cause him to be upgraded from idiot to moron, which in turn may disqualify him from his current position on the force…does Mud Lick have a Mayor?….

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