The big question around Casa de SJ was whether the hated, vicious, despicable terrorist, bad orange cat, was stupid enough to allow itself to be caught again. This morning, we have an answer.
This does not, of course, answer the overarching question about what I plan to do with the cat. For reasons that make my head hurt, many of you assumed I was seeking advice on how to either eradicate the “vermin,” turn it into my own precious pet or otherwise rid myself of this meddlesome cat. I was not.
To the extent the advice applied to my circumstances (does anyone consider that life at Casa de SJ may differ slightly from wherever the hell you live?), which wasn’t much frankly, thank you for your interest in being helpful. But helpful advice wasn’t sought or needed. I knew the solution; it was the execution. Or to put it more bluntly, I have no plan to kill a cat, even if you see no reason not to. That just ain’t me. Sorry. Call me a wuss. I can take it.
Anybody who lives far away from me want a free cat?
Only kidding. I know what I will do, and it won’t involve the humane course of neutering and returning him to Casa de SJ where I don’t want this orange cat, nutless or otherwise. And there’s no alternate society of kindness to feral critters who will take him in and envelope him with love and carbon monoxide.
Nor do I have a gun, though a BB gun still seems like a handy thing to keep around the house. As does a green laser pointer, for fun with cats if nothing else.
And cat will remain outside, as he’s always been, because nobody wants him inside the house. We’re not pet people, cat, dog or miniature horse. You are? That’s nice. Don’t care.
I know what I must do. I will toughen up and do it. It will be done.
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Even if you intend to return him to the wild, please contact a no-kill shelter to get him neutered first. That will at least prevent many unwanted litters of kittens.
Good intentions eventually run head first into harsh reality. There’s only one animal shelter within the distance I’m willing to drive for this feral beast, and they wanted nothing to do with it and turned me away. I’m all for spaying and neutering, but I’m not going private vet to accomplish it (at my expense, assuming a vet would go near this vicious animal).
If there was a place to bring it and have it fixed and then taken to the farm to live out the rest of its days playing happily in fields of lavender, I would have. There isn’t. I can’t change that.
Scott,
For whatever my opinion may or may not matter to you, good for not killing the cat. I presume that you are intending to take it some distance away and release it. I would just advise that there be a large body of water with no easy crossing between you and where you plan to release. It will attempt to return to what it believes to be its home territory if it can.
I feel certain ABA’s Chicago headquarters would not turn away a poor, homeless orange cat.
Scott is awaiting receipt of your credit card information.
I take paypal.
Consider performing the Inverse Dead Parrot :
1. Administer 1ml of children’s Benadryl to orange cat’s food 40 min prior to travel.
2. Have Dr. SJ drive said cat to the same shelter that turns away feral cats.
3. When Dr. Sj is asked if this is the same feral cat that made a previous appearance she
will say, “I don’t associate with feral beasts of the two-legged or four-legged variety. This
little kitty is just pining for the fjords. Look how calm and sweet.”
4. Send in anonymous donation to said shelter to help cover medical costs for abrasions, lacerations and possible glass eye(s).
END
Seems as if a nice aggie would be good enough.
You could send him to a taxidermist and then ship him on to Jenny Lawson. She’ll give him a good home.
This might be begging the question, with extreme prejudice.
An old Texas rancher.
“Shoot, shovel, shut up.”
He must’ve been really hungry…and a bit stupid. Most all the cats I’ve been around have a healthy paranoia, one bad experience with an object and they remember and avoid a repeat.
There’s no way to prove this, but I suspect cat dared him to go in the trap and get the food. (What? Are you a pussy?”) Cat might be old and not quite as virile, but he knows stuff.
We are on our third orange cat, Dave. They have all been very lovable and cuddly – and dumb as a rock. 🙂
On further reflection, none of the farm cats, or others I’ve had were orange…i guess that colored my experience. I’m currently the butler for a little black Matrix voodoo kitty…i swear she’s psychic and can bi-locate….she only makes me open the door to remind me who’s in charge,
I sense a Part 3 coming to this drama.
And Part 4 when the cat comes back.
You can be such a negative nellie. Don’t your kids want an adorable orange cat?
Do you know anyone that plays the violin? Do they need new strings?
HG, are you trying to make Scott’s readers stupider? (Sorry, I couldn’t resist.) “Cat gut” strings are typically made with sheep intestines, and many modern strings don’t use any bodily parts at all. ‘-)
You could ruin enthusiastically consensual sex.
Been there. Done that.
One and done.
Good luck. You’re gonna need it.
https://www.lyrics.com/lyric/3107650/Trout+Fishing+in+America/The+Cat+Came+Back
Just send him to Julliard. Then at least he’ll come back famous enough to earn his keep.
This made my day. What a fine allegory for the meanings of life, fortune, and fate!
Don’t know from cats. Swamp cats seem to disappear long before they get to a road. Even then, only the puny new ones were too dopey to get out of the way of a truck hauling oranges or sugar cane. Puny, new and dopey doesn’t result in a long meaningful life.
I am glad you didn’t kill the cat. Every hero needs a quality villain to keep him on his toes.
I agree, but I haven’t decided who’s the hero and who’s the villain. I’m kind of rooting for Mr. Orange Cat.
This could be a children’s book. Poor cat, alone in the world, hungry, looking for a friend.
Trapped by a mean lawyer, then rescued by the lawyers daughter and goes on to live a happy and content life with lots of catnip toys.
Use your government contacts to get the cat into Witness Protection, or maybe the CIA(Cat Intelligence Agency) can do a rendition to a black site overseas.
I never laughed so hard reading a law blog and all the comments thereafter. Thank you for the humor.
Worst part is that when they see cat, they forget all about law. Lawyers suck.
Cat: The other white meat.
Surely the animal shelter would appreciate the anonymous donation of such a fine cage.
Don’t call me Shirley.
Is there really a cat or is this an allegory about what happens when you voluntarily go and say the wrong words to the officials you’re seeking help from?
A question worthy of a Talmudic scholar.
Aversive conditioning. Take the caged cat to a certain spot on your property. Turn on the water hose and soak cat thoroughly while yelling “I would rather be a bad feminist than no feminist at all!” at the top of your lungs. Move cage to another spot. Repeat. Finally after covering your entire demesne, open the trap door and incant the final chant: “Somewhere along the line we started misinterpreting the First Amendment and this idea of the freedom of speech the amendment grants us!”. Keep chanting until the orange cat is gone. He will not come back. Please send $5 to the people on the list and add your name to the top.
You are a sick man. Sicker than most.
While Orange Cat Bad is still in your care, a bit of scientific testing may be in order.
Explain the Rule Against Perpetuities to him and see how long it takes before he tries to murder you from within the confines of his steel prison.
We know what it does to humanoid law students who aren’t property law gunners. What about felines?
You must do this for the good of science!
And what happens when I reach the fertile octogenarian rule and he starts raping elderly cats?
That’s when you apply a judicious blast of the water hose. Then continue.
Best to not leave ANY food whatsoever, even for a trap in regards to feral cats. Feral cats will come back when food or water is left. Best bet is to leave it alone, not leaving food and the feral will go away.
I asked cat what he thought of your idea to starve him to death. He said “meow,” which I understood to mean “are you high?”
The best thing is a rope and a deep pond. Do everyone a favor and dispose of it. Don’t push the problem off on someone else. It is a feral cat, its not going to change and if you let it go someone else will have to deal with it. End the problem, quickly and be done
Darth Cheetah just needs a short swimming lesson. But whatever you decide to do, if the cat comes back, consider arming yourself with a paintball gun and defending Casa de SJ with a good cat-apult.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l3Ya6z-NlDo
The cat-apult sounds fun.
Wonder if they named that squirrel Rocky? LMAO!
I didn’t think he’d go near that cage again. Either me or that cat is pretty damn stupid.
Now he has to go to timeout. I love a happy ending.
Robert Heinlein.
“How you behave toward cats here below determines your status in Heaven.”
“If you would know a man, observe how he treats a cat.”
Post pig, I was holding my not-yet-then-bride’s cat when it breathed its last. As the largest cat of the litter (and of a breed we referred to as “orange dummy,” for which non-PC phrasing we’d surely be shunned if not driven from polite society – wait, this is SJ, not polite society) it had been named “Bruiser.” It was, however the first to go. The dumpster behind her apartment was his resting place, though I suppose he eventually made it to landfill.
Perhaps you now have custody of a relative.
And aren’t you glad that I’m here to provide whimsical asides from a time before you were old enough to ride a bike.
You’re not that old.
All those comments and all that music and no one bothered with:
Black and orange stray cat sittin’ on a fence
I ain’t got enough dough to pay the rent
I’m flat broke but I don’t care
I strut right by with my tail in the air
Good luck and godspeed! Here’s to an uneventful release.
I thought this was all allegorical to Donald Trump… but now I’m all caught up, and I’m starting to think it was just about a cat?
For shame!
My forced relocation of a beastly feral cat went off without a hitch, he bolted as fast as his monstrous legs could carry him upon release. I’m sure you’ll have no problems…. although he was near albino (or looked that way after living out the winter inside a warehouse), perhaps the orange have a more mean spirited nature.
It isn’t easy being cheesy. I grew up In the country on FM ‘Not my Pet Anymore’, and my Father had a son who couldn’t imagine a dog would harm him. I know my Father did things he would’ve preferred not to do, but he took care of his own because it was his job.
Consider it moral support.
I have no clue what this means, but don’t think I want to.
All these views and no takers. I beginning to loose my faith in humanity.
Perhaps you should give the kitty a bath.
Then post up a new pic in different surroundings. Some place that does not immediately bring to mind his felonious past.
Lots of critter love, but not enough love to actually do anything about it.
Could’ve been this cat.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xcuJ3OPl8k
Drive orange cat far away and release him then let Nature takes its course.
It’s like you were there.