When I first purchased an Apple Watch several years ago, I thought the device would be a nifty way to talk with people when I didn’t have my phone around. A sort of modern-day take on Dick Tracy’s two-way wrist radio, if you will. Of course the damn thing never really got that good at sending or receiving messages—or phone calls—but it was nifty.

I got a second one around the time COVID hit, this one with the fancy-dan upgraded blood oxygen monitor. Shoot, blood oxygen monitoring was all the rage at first and people thought it would be a good indicator if you were coming down with the virus. It seemed like a good idea. Only marginally better now at sending messages and phone calls still sounded like tinny messes, but hey, Apple was innovating.

Both Apple Watches have been confined to the space on my nightstand now. Gracing my wrist these days is a Field Master Chronograph I got from 5.11 about a month ago on sale. It’s nothing fancy. It tells the time in both 12 and 24 hour formats and it’s got a built in stopwatch.

And I’ll never go back to a damn smartwatch again.*

It came down to the notifications. I got them constantly from all the stupid apps on the Apple Watch. If I got a text it would vibrate my wrist. Call? Same thing. The end result was that I constantly checked my wrist all day instead of just getting done what I needed to do.

And don’t get me started on the health metrics. I realize I’m not an athlete, okay? Never really had a desire to be one. However last year I got a rather nasty statistic when walking through a neighborhood in Baltimore that told me my average cardiovascular levels weren’t up to snuff for the hilly terrain. Bite me, Apple watch.

Then there were the noise statistics. I work around loud animals sometimes (no, SHG, that’s not referring to my children) and when the volume got over a certain level at, say a rescue full of barking dogs, I would get a notification that extended exposure to such volume levels could damage my hearing.

And the cords! Of course there’s a charging cable with the Apple Watch because that son of a bitch won’t hold a charge for a solid day. By the end of my Apple Watch wearing days I wore both of them—charging one while the other was on my person. It was two more cables to carry on trips too! Not practical at all.

So I said enough. I got a regular watch on my wrist again and I’m never going back. No amount of data from some stupid stress app is going to make me regret my decision. I’m free from the daily 5 pm reminders that I could close my Movement and Exercise rings with just a brisk twenty minute walk. And I’m done with the occasional blip that tells me “oh look, your kids have screamed more at you today than in the last seven day period.”

I may not be the most notified man on the planet. I may not get your call or text message right away. But I bought back a bit of peace and quiet in my life. That’s a rarity and I plan on relishing it.

See y’all next time!

*Ed. Note: I’m so proud of Chris.