Seaton: #ButHisEmails Dispatches From Mud Lick

I obtained the following emails on a private Discord server from someone with the online handle “StickyWeeks.” After thorough vetting, I am convinced these emails are from the Mud Lick Sheriff’s Department. In the interests of full public disclosure, I provide them to you, the loyal SJ readership.—CLS

August 5, 2019
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
SUBJECT: Highway Cleanup Vest Alterations

Hello everyone:

I am pleased to announce the new Highway Cleanup vests will arrive at the end of the week. We will begin phasing the neon yellow vests in use out and replacing them with the new Vol Orange vests as soon as possible.

Unfortunately, our efforts to stymie drunk driving in Mud Lick hit a small snag in the DA’s office and in our HR. I’m told putting “I Drove Drunk” on the back of the vests may be “triggering” to some or “deny the lived experiences” of others. Whatever.

Until I get this mess sorted out with Mayor Tribe, we’re going to alter the vests with Duck Tape and Sharpie Pens to say “Vol 4 Life” instead. This will take some time and is an all hands on deck situation, so see your shift commander for assignments.

Fraternally,
Sheriff Roy

August 9, 2019
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
SUBJECT: Help needed

Hello all:

It’s that time of year again, so I need two volunteers to work the annual Bear Bryant Dedication Day at the Mud Lick Library. You’ll be there for the rededication of the Bear Bryant Commemorative Plate, and someone will need to read “Casey at the Bat.”

Francine, please make sure Coach Saban has his annual invitation. I’m sure he’s busy with practice or recruiting, but he’s an important person and we take this stuff seriously.

Fraternally,
Sheriff Roy

August 13, 2019
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
SUBJECT: Traitor in the ranks

Hello everyone:

Unfortunately, it has come to my attention one of you was caught excitedly blabbering about how “big things” are in store for Clemson’s football program this year.

This is a violation of departmental policy at the highest level here. We pay our allegiance to one team only, and that is the Alabama Crimson Tide.

While I cannot forgive this egregious ethics breach, I am a kind man. The culprit has twenty four hours to apologize to me in person, and will be fired with pay through the end of the month. After that, I cannot say my compassion will hold longer.

Fraternally (except to the rat bastard Clemson fan),
Sheriff Roy

August 14, 2019
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
SUBJECT: Change in Mud Lick Dress Policy

Hello everyone:

Please note we now arrest anyone on sight wearing Clemson regalia in addition to Tennessee Vol orange. Just figure out a pretext and we’ll make it stick later.

Fraternally,
Sheriff Roy

August 15, 2019
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
SUBJECT: Coffee incident

Hello all:

I have sent this email out many times, and I hope this is the last time I send it.
I realize it’s not the law. It’s not department policy. It’s not even Scripture.

It’s just common fucking courtesy to brew a new pot of coffee if you drink the last in the pot.
And if you see we’re running low on grounds, get money from the coffee jar and go buy new ones. That’s what it’s there for. Do not take loose change, though, as Deputy England got the idea to use it to teach Deputy Tyrone remedial math.

Fraternally,
Sheriff Roy

August 15, 2019
FROM: Wentzel, Tyrone ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
SUBJECT <no subject>

hey siri how to taser porn

August 16, 2019
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
SUBJECT: Deputy England Future Endeavored

Hello all:

It is with a heavy heart I inform you Deputy Roy England’s time with the Mud Lick Sheriff’s Department has ended due to his lapse in judgment attempting to teach Deputy Tyrone how to use the Google machine.

We wish him the best in his future endeavors as he joins the force in Dismal Seepage, Arkansas.

Fraternally,
Sheriff Roy

August 18, 2019
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
SUBJECT: Unscrupulous Rumors

This email is to address a rather pernicious lie I’ve heard is circulating through town, so I want the record set straight.

There is no truth to the rumor and innuendo Coach Saban allegedly filed a restraining order against me. These libelous assaults on my character will be dealt with by my newly appointed Special Counsel, Alan Berkowitz.

Fraternally,
Sheriff Roy

August 19, 2019
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
SUBJECT: Game Day Reminders

Hello all:

I’m excited, as I’m sure all of you are, for the season opener this year for our Alabama Crimson Tide as they take the National Championship back home from those asshats at Clemson.

Here’s a few reminders for Opening Day, as well as the rest of the season:
*Two MLSD officers will remain on call on Game Day. The rest of us will gather with our families to watch the Crimson Tide take back their rightful status as National Champions.
*Arrest anyone wearing Vol or Clemson colors on sight.
*Fridays before Game Day are now Casual Fridays if you elect to wear our crimson and houndstooth uniforms. We will continue our traditional “Crimson Tide Haiku” contest this year, with the winner getting a $25 gift card to Target.
*DUIs and Public Intoxication arrests are top priority on Game Day. Our team doesn’t need a bunch of drunks to win, so if you see someone wasted they’re probably a Tennesseean in need of a jailing.

Fraternally,
Sheriff Roy

August 21, 2019
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
SUBJECT: HANDS OFF THE JUDGE

Good afternoon, everyone:

It has come to my attention a Federal Judge from Nebraska will be staying at the Mud Lick Ramadama Inn for the next two nights.

Veterans of my Department will remember what happened the last time an out of state Federal jurist graced our town, and the national incident it caused.

Therefore, I am issuing a strict HANDS OFF order to all Mud Lick Sheriff’s Department employees in regards to this jurist. I don’t care if he drunkenly belts out “Rocky Top” while standing on the bar of the Mud Lick Bunkhouse. He is not to be touched during his stay in our town.

I sincerely hope I made my point.

Fraternally,
Sheriff Roy

17 thoughts on “Seaton: #ButHisEmails Dispatches From Mud Lick

    1. CLS

      There’s a commemorative plate in the Mud Lick Library honoring Bear Bryant.
      The town shuts down on Saturdays during the season to watch Alabama play.
      I’d say “Serious” is an understatement.

      Reply
  1. Bruce Woodrow

    Having real “mail to:” links was a nice touch of authenticity. My apologies to you (and to the Sheriff) for not being able to resist testing them.

    Reply
    1. CLS

      I sincerely hope no one else attempts to “test” the email links. It’s my day off and I don’t need any interactions with law enforcement, in or out of state.

      Reply
    1. CLS

      And blithering idiots turn a peculiar shade of crimson, but you don’t see me pointing that out.

      Actually, yes I do. Repeatedly.

      Reply
  2. Howl

    To: Sheriff Roy Templeton, Mud Lick, Alabama
    From: Sheriff Cephus Bodeen, Dismal Seepage, Arkansas
    Date: August 24, 2019
    Subject: Deputy Roy England

    Dear Sheriff Templeton,

    It is with deep regret that I inform you that Deputy Roy England was killed in a most unfortunate accident. While taking a campus tour at the University of Arkansas after enrolling in a Continuous Education course, “Advanced Ticket Book Techniques and Maintenance,” Deputy England leaned too far over the railing of a Hog pen and fell in. To compound this misfortune, he was wearing a University of Alabama jersey. As you can imagine, the Hogs did not take kindly to that.

    Please extend my sympathy to Deputy England’s former colleagues. As a humble token of our respect, we are sending a case of fresh sausage.

    With deepest sympathy,

    Sheriff Cephus Bodeen
    Dismal Seepage, Arkansas

    Reply
  3. L. Phillips

    Wait, what? MLSD is a large enough department to have shift commanders? More to the point, does that mean the Sheriff has at least three brothers-in-law?

    Reply
  4. Jim Tyre

    It has come to my attention a Federal Judge from Nebraska will be staying at the Mud Lick Ramadama Inn for the next two nights.

    I am familiar with sub-tweeting. I was not previously familiar with sub-blogging.

    Reply
  5. Richard Kopf

    To: Sheriff Templeton, Roy
    From: Richard Kopf, Senior U.S. District Judge, Nebrassaka ([email protected])
    Re: My Security Detail
    Date: 8.23.19

    Thank you for your telephone call assuring me that when I visit Mud Lick I may drink myself into oblivion and your department will be “hands off.” That provides me with southern comfort.

    By the way, I never drunkenly belt out “Rocky Top.” I don’t like Hillbilly music except for the banjo strumming heard in the Deliverance sound track. However, I often sing “There is no place like Nebraska” when I hit my fifth gin and tonic. Since the first round is on me, I hope you and your deputies will join with me. Here’s how we start:

    There is no place like Nebraska
    Dear old Nebraska U
    Where the girls are the fairest
    The boys are the squarest
    Of any old place that I knew

    I almost forgot the main purpose of this memo. OK back on track.

    You should know that I will have a security detail with me. You and your crew will be able to tell my security guys because that have very large heads and often drool while constantly grinning. You and your deputies should not be concerned that all three of them, former defensive lineman at Nebraska, who flunked out of the NFL, suffer from chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE).

    CTE is a neurodegenerative disease caused by repeated head injuries. Symptoms include behavioral problems, mood problems, and problems with thinking. Accordingly, when the hotel staff at the Mud Lick Ramadama Inn, terrified by the random sound of gun fire echoing throughout the place, call your office to request assistance and protection, please give my boys a break. They are just letting off a little steam remembering when they kicked the shit out Peyton Manning in 1998.

    Reply
    1. CLS

      August 23, 2019
      FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
      TO: Richard Kopf, Senior U.S. District Judge, Nebrassaka (address redacted)
      SUBJECT: RE: RE: My Security Detail

      Your Honor, we have a bit of a situation here. On one hand, your security detail shows great intellectual honesty, as no one with more than two burnt sticks for brain cells thinks that washed up insurance salesman is worth a damn. Here in Mud Lick we refer to bowel movements as “Making A Peyton.”

      However, previous agreements with the Pfeffer family owning the Mud Lick Ramadama Inn requires me to handle a situation like the one you describe delicately.

      Accordingly, Francine is sending over a few dozen rolls of toilet paper Sam Dalton printed for me a few years ago to your room and the rooms of your security detail. Also, Roscoe Bibbins has been instructed to give you and your team the “General Neyland Discount” at the Guns R’ Us.

      This should give you and your detail the benefit of wiping your behinds with Peyton Manning’s face and shooting the son of a bitch during your stay in our town.

      Yours,
      –Sheriff Roy

      Reply
      1. Jim Tyre

        Yours,
        –Sheriff Roy

        Forgery! And not a good one at that. The real Sheriff Roy signs all his emails:
        Fraternally,
        Sheriff Roy

        Reply
    1. SHG

      August 23, 2019
      FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
      TO: Seaton, Chris
      SUBJECT: Dancing with the Stars

      You don’t know me, Mr. Seaton, but I just got a call from some TV show called “Dancing with the Stars” (that the Mrs. adores, second only to The Bachelor), and they asked me to be on it!

      They mentioned your name, Mr. Seaton. We need to have a talk.

      Reply
      1. CLS

        August 23, 2019
        FROM: Seaton, Chris (address redacted)
        TO: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
        SUBJECT: RE: Dancing with the Stars

        Sheriff, I’m sure when the producers called they mentioned “Chris Harrison,” not Chris Seaton. Mrs. Templeton will surely be able to educate you on the influential role he plays on both shows.

        That said, if anything happens to me you’ll get a Judge’s request for a dance to “Cellblock Foxtrot” from Chicago and I’m sure the showrunners would be happy to use the restraining order I have a copy of as a set piece.

        Reply

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