#BUTHISEMAILS: Dispatches From Mud Lick, Volume 2

Prefatory note: I received another batch of emails from my source “StickWeeks” on a private Discord server. Since I’ve had a strong suspicion Sheriff Roy or someone in his office has been tailing me this week, I’m releasing these emails to the SJ readership.

SHG: If you don’t hear from me this week, release the copy of the restraining order I sent you.—CLS

August 31, 2019
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
RE: Opening Day in Knoxville

Good evening, everyone:

Sorry for the late email, but did anyone see how bad of a beating the Volunteers took on opening day? Something tells me there’s going to be no issues with them this year.

Fraternally,
Sheriff Roy

September 2, 2019
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
RE: Photo Identification

Hello all:

Attached with this email is a recent photo of Jeremy Pruitt, former defensive coordinator of our beloved Crimson Tide and currently the no good rat bastard coaching the University of Tennessee.

This is for the idiots who got my hopes up that I might get to apply “enhanced interrogation techniques” on that no good son of a bitch who left Alabama. I want him properly identified before I excitedly run to the station at 3 in the morning.

Fraternally,
Sherriff Roy

September 4, 2019
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
RE: Francine’s printer/copier

Good afternoon:

While this may be a bone of contention with some people, I humbly ask those of you who’ve been using Francine’s printer/copier as a towel rack to refrain from doing so. It is also not a surface on which to clean service firearms.

As my secretary, Francine does valuable work for the citizenry of Mud Lick, and her printer/copier is a tool the entire Sheriff’s Department benefits from. The last thing we need is a day without it.

Fraternally,
Sheriff Roy

September 9, 2019
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
RE: Cocke Family Situation

Ladies and Gentlemen, we have an incident.

Apparently George Cocke’s son Big Jim was spotted at a Tallahassee Longhorn Steakhouse recently sporting what appears to be a World Championship Title Belt.

Those of you who know Old Man George know he’s quite salty the NWA never gave him a run with the belt. I fear he might be up to something.

The Khan family in Jacksonville has a one million dollar reward for the safe return of this belt. It is leather, platinum, and gold with the logo “AEW World Championship” stamped on the plates.

If we get the reward, we might finally convince Coach Saban to visit Mud Lick to receive his town key.

Deputy Miranda’s taking point on this one. See him for assignments.

Fraternally,
Sheriff Roy

September 11, 2019
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
RE: Patriot Day

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Mud Lick Sheriff’s Department:

Today is an anniversary we shall never forget.
Unfortunately, there are men and women in Mud Lick who aren’t white Christians that don’t forget how the world looked at them the day after the Twin Towers fell. Please be mindful on this day how they might think you’re looking at them while we conduct our regular business.

If you must take your frustration out on someone, find a Clemson fan to toss against a wall. No one will think anything of it.

Fraternally,
Sheriff Roy

September 14, 2019
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
RE: LEO Exchange Program

Good morning:

In two days we will welcome Mirko Filipovic to Mud Lick, Alabama. He will be with us for a span of two weeks thanks to our participation in the “Cop Out” International Law Enforcement Exchange Program.

Be advised you are to conduct yourselves to the highest standards while Mr. Filipovic is in our town. He is not only a member of Croatia’s Special Forces—he’s served in their Parliament as well.

Treat him well. Better than you’d treat Coach Saban if he were in town. We’re setting examples on how American law enforcement is exceptional.

Francine, tell Deputy Tyrone he’s got paid vacation to Florida for two weeks.

Fraternally,
Sheriff Roy

7 thoughts on “#BUTHISEMAILS: Dispatches From Mud Lick, Volume 2

  1. Norahc

    That last email could be a serious problem considering Deputy Tyrone is “…not allowed out of the Alabama state line. Too much potential for a national incident.”

    1. CLS

      Nah. He gets a handler and tickets to Disney World. Orlando’s full of crazy people anyway, and Deputy Tyrone really enjoys Epcot.

  2. L. Phillips

    Sheriff Roy strikes me as the kind of guy who knows how to combine Francine’s printer/copier, some stray wires and a stainless steel colander into a passable polygraph machine. Not that I have any experience in such things.

    1. CLS

      He’s not that mechanically inclined, actually. I hear that talent lies with the Sheriff’s brother, Fire Chief Thomas.

      Still a pretty cool idea.

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