Have a legal question? Want it answered free of charge? Well, it’s 2019 and the internet is a thing, so there’s no shortage of websites that will let you have just that. Countless areas exist for people to anonymously ask their legal question in the hopes lawyers will answer it. In many cases, on some sites, real lawyers actually will.

It doesn’t matter that the lawyer you’re posing a criminal defense question to primarily practices bankruptcy or property law. As long as they have a bar card, some sites will call them qualified, let them respond to you inquiry and tempt the poor schmuck who dared pen a response to your question to offer you a free consultation for their time and effort.

It’s Friday, and it’s time to get a laugh in, so for this week’s Funny I’ve culled a selection of free legal questions from various sites and I’m going to answer them. Horribly. Before I go any further, I want it clear that none of this is actual legal advice. This is the Friday Funny, and I already mentioned I’m answering these questions horribly. If you read this and then take one iota of my answers seriously, go get your head examined.

Let’s get started.

Q: “I was given some furniture items and now the man wants tit (sic) all back. A man that I barely know gave me some items now he wants them all back because I don’t want a relationship with him.”

A: What did this guy give you that’s so important you’re asking lawyers on a legal website whether you’re supposed to give this guy his stuff back? A gold plated shitter? A sectional? A Playstation 4? Why not just spare yourself the time and energy and give the man the stuff back? He’s out of your life and you’re back to square one. Easy.

Q: “Can I be convicted of a felony by someone’s word??? No evidence just that person saying so? I got accused of aggravated assault and there (sic) trying to give me 10 years over someone’s word.”

A: Peaches, the answer to your question is called “It depends.” The nature of your poorly worded query implies a grand jury’s indicted you on charges of aggravated assault. That means you’re going to trial and you’ll be given the opportunity to testify if you so choose at that proceeding, which means your word will be weighed by a trier of fact against your alleged victim. Fortunately, the State is probably bringing the charge against you, which means they have to prove you did assault someone beyond a reasonable doubt before you’re convicted.

Unfortunately, they have a hell of a lot more money and resources than you do to put your ass in jail. I’d log off the internet and find a lawyer.

Q: “How do i help my illegal (future) husband become a legal US resident?

Hello I am getting married in December. My boyfriend entered illegally into the country about 7 years ago. We will have been together 2 years. He has no previous crimes and has paid his taxes every year. I would like to know what is the best way to go about this. I would also like to know if doing it with a lawyer is better. I would also like to know the chances of getting everything approved, as well as an average cost. My last question is how do I make sure that a lawyer is good. I’m worried that the chances are very slim in being accepted. I appreciate all advice and answers in advance.”

A: Oh shit, an immigration question. And Mario Machado’s not around for the hot tag. Um… Yes, get a lawyer. Look for immigration lawyers. Pay whatever and do whatever they tell you to do. Failing that, have your boyfriend go to the nearest INS office chanting “Make America Great Again” like a mantra. Surely nothing will go wrong.

Q: “How do I get emancipated? I can’t stand living at home with my parents. They don’t understand me or my needs and sometimes yell at me when I refuse to do homework and play Fortnite all night long. I want to be an ESports champion and can pay all my bills. What do I do?”

A: No, you’re not an angsty teen at all, are you? And paying your bills by playing video games surely sounds like you understand how finances work. I’m sure the judge, lawyers, and other people deciding your fate will totally understand how you’re smarter than everyone else in the room.

In all seriousness, go hug your parents and tell them you love them, Timmy. Parenting’s hard enough without your whiny emo bullshit. They’ve sacrificed a lot to get you that Xbox. You could at least thank them for it.

Happy Friday, everybody. This concludes my attempt at gouging free legal advice websites, unless enough of you dig this bit to make it recurring. Come back next week to find out what other shenanigans I get into here at the Friday Funny.