Seaton: More Unsolicited Opinions

Here again are some unsolicited opinions, offered by a likely unqualified random person on the internet whom no sane person should take seriously. Unless you agree with me.

Here’s a fun thing to try this year. Instead of cookies and milk, have your kids leave a flight of beer and a pizza for Santa. You know what the jolly old elf really wants, and it’s not sugar and dairy.

One book I’d like to read next year is “We Fucked Up: An Extensive Apology Of Everything Bad We’ve Done” by Kamala Harris and Kirsten Gilibrand. Of course it’ll never get written, but a man can dream, can’t he?

Bumper stickers and decals are getting out of hand. You’re allowed two bumper stickers and one window decal. Points are deducted if a bumper sticker is from a failed politician’s campaign.

Speaking of decals, I saw a good one recently of a Dalmatian with the rear windshield wiper wrapped to look like the dog’s tail. Isn’t that clever? The only thing I think would be better is a decal of a clenched fist with the rear windshield wiper being an extended middle finger. That way you could let idiots on the interstate know what you really thought of them without wasting your breath.

Some window clings make no sense. I saw one recently of a stick figure humping the word “it.” What the hell does that even begin to mean? Eh, fuck it.

The next time someone tries to tell you that you can’t do anything you put your mind to, remind them a 98 pound Japanese woman is a pro-wrestling champion and a professional video game player was a contestant on the recent season of “The Masked Singer.”

If you know someone who travels extensively for work, a great last minute gift idea they’ll truly appreciate are gift cards to their favorite restaurants. Trust me on this one.

You know who should’ve won Time’s “Person of the Year?” The folks who made Disney+ a thing. It’s saved more parents’ sanity on weekends than anyone could possibly imagine.

Some dumbass had the temerity to put Paul McCartney’s “Wonderful Christmastime” on a “Worst Christmas Songs Ever” list. What the fuck is wrong with people? That’s a quality holiday jingle written by a goddamn Beatle!

Everyone talks about “Die Hard” being a Christmas movie, but no one gives “The Long Kiss Goodnight” the same treatment. If that isn’t sexism, I don’t know what is.

The greatest trick the Devil ever invented was the Hatchimal.

Early to bed, early to rise, may make a man healthy, wealthy and wise, but it also makes sure that man will miss out on prime time television.

One thing I’m grateful for that we don’t have in the South are toll roads. Unlike those damn Yankees, we actually want you to come visit us so we let you drive on our roads free of charge. Before anyone starts, Florida doesn’t count as part of the South. It’s an entirely separate world there.

Be grateful this holiday season you’re not as bitter as Mrs. Spencer.

If you must feel pity for someone over the holidays, try this kid’s parents, whom he apparently convinces to film this stuff for YouTube. Idiocracy really was a documentary after all.

Here’s a great New Year’s Resolution: Don’t be as crazy as this fucking woman.

Don’t commit a crime, but if you do, make it memorable enough that someone will make a podcast about it some day. Then again, that’s a pretty low bar. Just don’t commit crimes.

I just saw a Facebook Portal commercial with Jennifer Lopez helping Kim Kardashian study for law school and died a little inside. Stick to Muppets when peddling your stupid cameras, Zuckerberg!

I’m not saying they’re the perfect food, but when was the last time you saw someone turn down a taco?

If Dolly Parton isn’t canonized as a saint, it’ll be a sad reflection on the decline of humanity.

Finally, start a new holiday tradition this year by listening to David Sedaris’ “The Santaland Diaries.” If you’ve never heard it before, you’re welcome.

Happy holidays, everybody. This is the last Friday Funny I’ll be writing for the year. By the time you’re reading this I’ll be buggering off to some place with sand, drinks in coconuts with little umbrellas, and as few people as possible.

If I’ve made you laugh at least once since the proprietor of this establishment brought back the Friday Funny, it’s been a good year. Thanks to everyone who’s stopped by to set their weekends off with a smile. I’ll see everyone back in 2020, when I’m sure we’ll have endless material of which to make fun.

Tom, play me out!

11 thoughts on “Seaton: More Unsolicited Opinions

  1. Richard Kopf

    CLS,

    If the world were fair, you would be the head writer in the writers’ room of Larry the Cable Guy.

    All the best, and may the sand get in your crotch.

    RGK

  2. Skink

    “Before anyone starts, Florida doesn’t count as part of the South. It’s an entirely separate world there.”

    “By the time you’re reading this I’ll be buggering off to some place with sand, drinks in coconuts with little umbrellas, and as few people as possible.”

    Thoughts from the Swamp, by the numbers:

    1. Never drink from a coconut. The hair gets in everything.
    2. The Swamp has one long toll road; the rest are either short or bridges. The long toll road is for tourists. We make them go through the middle with few exits. It keeps them from getting off and fucking up the rest of the roads by never turning of the blinker or headlights. The Turnpike is mandatory for Canadians.
    3. The tourists from up north have no idea what to do with roadkill. Rednecks and crackers run the thing over, stop, and throw it in the back of the truck while it’s still fresh. Tourists stop in the middle of traffic, wring their hands, and have some kind of ceremony. Then it’s off to dinner at 5 p.m. Dumbasses–dinner could be in the back of the truck.
    4. The Swamp is different from the rest of the South because we allow everyone to come down and be strange. But it’s still a punchable offense to elaborate on how things are done better in Michigan, Indiana or other such places. Double punches if the elaboration subject is New York.
    5. If the sand you seek is in the Swamp, give me a call. I’ll show you how to avoid the tolls.
    6. Finally, if your trip involves family, remember Mr. Moore’s words: “Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good fight.”

  3. JMK

    Hate to burst the bubble but Alabama, North Carolina, South Carolina, and Virginia have toll roads. Georgia has toll lanes but not toll roads. Texas and Louisiana also both have tolls roads but, like Florida, are different kinds of places entirely and not necessarily part of “the south.”

    Merry Pedantic Christmas! 🙂

  4. Turk

    The only thing I think would be better is a decal of a clenched fist with the rear windshield wiper being an extended middle finger. That way you could let idiots on the interstate know what you really thought of them without wasting your breath.

    I see a business opportunity. For the TruckNutz crowd.

    1. B. McLeod

      St. Dolly should help deliver holiday gifts, while riding on a festively adorned llama.

      Let us all raise a Sam Adam’s White Christmas to St. Dolly (and the Dolly Llama).

  5. L. Phillips

    Fell into your diabolical trap and looked up “Hatchimal”. Good luck getting that picture our of my mind. You are the spawn of Satan.

  6. Jake

    The correct number of bumper stickers (among the fully-evolved and civilized) is zero. Copious Refridgerator magnets showing how well-traveled one is are perfectly acceptable.

  7. Jay Bravo

    The reason no one ever turns them down is because this is what happens when you don’t take the taco.

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