Seaton: Fact or Fiction

I’m a bit tapped on jokes this week, so today we’re going to play a game. What follows is a collection of ridiculous stories arguably too fantastical to be true. One of the stories is a complete fabrication. I made it up.

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to figure out which one of these stories is a lie. Don’t bother Googling—I’ll know. Trust me. Ignore the surveillance drones at your windows. Leave your answer in the comments below. The first correct poster gets an attaboy from me.

Let’s go!

1: Wrestling legend “The Nature Boy” Ric Flair often referred to his penis as “Space Mountain” and during television promos would invite women in Florida to his hotel room for the “real ride.”

2: Two wrestlers in Florida are going over their match in the locker room. Wrestler 1 tells Wrestler 2 the one taboo is punching him in his bad right eye. As soon as the bell rings, Wrestler 2 punches Wrestler 1 in the right eye.

Wrestler 1 then grabs Wrestler 2, fishes a small shank out of his trunks, and stabs Wrestler 2 nine times. W1 is arrested and charged with aggravated assault but charges were dropped when W2 agreed to drop all charges on condition W1 trains W2.

W1 agrees and never returns to Florida again.

3: Although really just a dyed-in-the-wool Masshole who loves baseball, wrestler Kevin Sullivan did such a believable job incorporating occult references into his gimmick people still believe to this day he’s a Satanist.

4: A WWE writer thought it would be a good idea to hold a legitimate Toughman-style contest among the talent and staged one to humiliate someone he saw as a locker room bully. The whole goal of the contest was to establish “Dr. Death” Steve Williams as a real-life badass but plans went out the window when a wrestler named Bart Gunn knocked Williams out in the first round of their fight. Gunn won the tournament and was knocked out by boxer Eric “Butterbean” Esch at a pay-per-view event for his troubles.

5: Quebec strongman Dino Bravo quit wrestling to spend more time with his family, but didn’t have many other skills than being able to bench 500 pounds and throw guys around. Bravo became a mob enforcer, made his way into the untaxed cigarette business, and was eventually shot to death in his home for not following Mafia orders.

6: Radio personality Todd Pettengill was offered an audition as a WWF announcer. He didn’t particularly feel as though he did a good job in his audition and made his way to the restroom as he prepared to leave WWF’s headquarters.

The occupant in the adjacent stall was in the midst of the worst smelling dump Pettengill had ever experienced in his life. After two or three minutes of loud, wet, smelly defecation, Pettengill yelled out “Goddamn, how about a courtesy flush?” The stall occupant guffawed with laughter and flushed. Much to Pettengill’s surprise, the stall’s occupant was Vince McMahon.

Todd Pettengill got a job offer that day.

7: WWF creative thought it would be a good idea to bring in a villain character named “Nailz” who would be a prisoner abused by a wrestler named “The Big Bossman,” who was ostensibly a corrections officer in Cobb County Georgia before trying his hand in the squared circle.

“Nailz’s” career would be short lived, as less than a year into his debut he physically assaulted Vince McMahon over what he perceived as a low payoff for a pay-per-view match.

8: One night in New York, Vince McMahon is speeding through a construction area in a car with his inner circle of Jim Ross, Pat Patterson, Bruce Pritchard and Gerald Briscoe. The three passengers were drinking beer and depositing the empties in the backseat area.

McMahon is stopped by an NYPD cop, who puts him in the back of a squad car and questions everyone else in the car. After confirming the driver was Vince McMahon with every passenger, the cop said, before letting McMahon leave, “I guess that makes me The Big Bossman tonight.”

9: Wrestling promoter Dennis Coralluzzo wanted to reach his friend Jim Cornette one night. Dennis misdialed Jim’s Morristown, Tennessee number wrong by one digit. The person who answered the phone did so in such a profane, obscenity-laced manner Coralluzo wrote the number down and had numerous people over the years call the number and ask for Jim.

The prank ended a couple of years later when Cornette found out about the stunt and demanded the phone number. When the lady on the other line picked up the phone, Cornette said “Hello, this is Jim. Has anyone left messages for me?”

10: “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase made a name for himself well before social media by taking what Vince McMahon called “flash cash” in public. With a grand or two in his pockets, he’d buy everyone a round of drinks at a bar, then loudly proclaim, “Those drinks were paid for by me, “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase. Everybody’s got a price!”

DiBiase’s son would be arrested on insurance fraud charges decades later, with several tied to his father’s ministry.

11: A man sued the trainer of a wrestling bear because the trainer wouldn’t let the guy fight his bear for a $1000 prize one night. The trainer of “Terrible Ted” didn’t let the fight go through because “Ted” was actually a female and “Ted’s” trainer noticed when it was a certain time of the month, Ted got more aggressive and didn’t respond to her training.

A judge held “Ted” in a local jail yard for three days before finally taking pity on Ted and her trainer, letting the bear loose with a promise Ted and her trainer return to face the music. The duo never returned to the region again.

Happy hunting, and have a great weekend!

37 thoughts on “Seaton: Fact or Fiction

  1. Tim (@Gurdur)

    I have no idea, but I respect your awesome in-depth knowledge of the world of professional wrestling.

    1. SHG

      I spotted that theme right away, though the word “awesome” wasn’t the word that immediately came to mind.

      1. CLS

        Yeah, I wouldn’t exactly call an ability to recall large amounts of random carny information “awesome.”

  2. Jeff

    Gonna guess #8 because it reads as a third-hand New York joke. I know #9 is likely true because I’ve done the very same thing to an asshole I misdialed in the last

    1. CLS

      While it might seem a third-hand New York joke, Jim Ross shared this story in July of last year. From his account it took place around 1994-1995.

    1. CLS

      “Terrible Ted” was held in the Lowdnes County, Georgia jail after trainer Dave McKigney refused to let a 350 pound construction worker named Ed Williams fight the bear for the prize money, citing Ted’s “poor disposition.” The bear was checked into jail on October 12, 1970.

      1. delurking

        Damn. Really, a bear was held at a jail for human beings? I would have thought that is not possible. I guess I need to ask a lawyer about everything.

        1. CLS

          If you Google “Terrible Ted the Wrestling Bear” you’ll eventually find copies of the paperwork signed at the jail checking the bear in.

  3. KP

    Good grief! How could you make up one of those, they’re all so real! Imagination is no substitute for reality in pro wrestling..

    1. CLS

      To answer both you and Corey, I suggest either listening to this video with headphones on or your office door closed.

  4. Corey

    CLS,

    I’m a big Conrad Thompson fan so I’ve heard most of these stories before. That being said the Jim Cornette one is new to me, so that’s my guess.

    Love the wrestling posts btw! Thanks for the entertainment.

    1. CLS

      I’m glad you enjoyed it, but don’t expect much of the wrestling stuff. I really only go there when I’m in a mood.

  5. Guitardave

    Guess the fake story about a fake ‘sport’ full of fake ‘stars’?…and you can’t even send a bottle of scotch to the winner? You get a big old unmasked Bronx cheer 18 inches from your face for that request.

  6. L. Phillips

    Like a college guess on a test I didn’t bother to study for I am going with “D – none of the above”. They are all true. Or at least they should be.

  7. Hunting Guy

    Meh.

    None of those guys are worth a damn compared to Jack Barton Adkisson Sr.

    Pity about his sons and their lives.

    1. CLS

      Kevin “Nailz” Wacholz’s WWF career started in the spring of 1992 and ended December 14, 1992 after a backstage altercation where he punched Vince McMahon 14 times.

  8. Rick Smith

    I will go with 11. I think I have heard all of the other stories presented as true (though in the carny world or wrestling, you can’t believe anything).

    1. CLS

      And I dismissed 11 as one of the true stories close to 9 AM this morning. Sometimes reading the comments can be helpful before you post!

  9. CLS

    Time to put a pin in this one and declare a winner.

    Based on comment time stamps, L. Phillips was the first person to correctly guess all the stories are true.
    Please proceed to the front of the room you currently occupy and scream at the top of your lungs “I’m a winner!”

    Please. Seriously. For everyone’s amusement. Especially mine.
    Thanks for playing, everyone!

      1. L. Phillips

        Oh, so it’s “moonshine” for me and premium scotch for you? I see how this works.

        And I did as I was told which scared the living crap our of the frau. Guess I should have warned her.

        Nah.

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