The following is a mish-mash of lines ripped from just about every corporate email I’ve received since COVID-19 was declared a pandemic. Ok, I may have gotten carried away. Enjoy. —CLS
Dear Valued Customer, Friend, Stockholder, Team Member, and Tribe:
We here at MegaCorp want you to know we’re thinking of you during these trying, unprecedented times. As we shelter in place or stay at home alone together, we want to keep you informed of steps we’re taking to keep you and our employees safe.
Our store hours will change to allow for extra time to deep clean and sanitize all surfaces. We’re closing some stores but don’t worry—our government declared non-essential employees will continue to receive their full pay, except in cases where we can’t afford them. Our open locations will devote the first hour of business every day to the elderly and immuno-compromised among us, so they can shop safely.
If our stores aren’t open for your business, don’t worry! You can still order from us at MegaCorp’s website and we’ll happily deliver any of our products to your home with free USPS delivery. If you need your products sooner we’re offering same-day delivery through PostUberDash for only $9.99.
On the road anyway? Feel free to use our curbside delivery service! Just place your order through our mobile app, tell us when you’ll arrive and a friendly MegaCorp team member will deposit your order in the trunk of your automobile. Be sure to use promo code TWENTYFIVE to get 25% off your first curbside order!
When you absolutely must visit our retail facility, please make sure you follow CDC and WHO approved social distancing guidelines. We’ve marked our aisles with blue tape for an easy reminder of how to stay six feet apart from fellow shoppers. In order to facilitate an easier shopping experience, all store aisles are now one-way. New floor decals will show you how to properly enter and exit an aisle.
All of our store employees will be required to wear face masks and gloves when social distancing isn’t feasibly possible. In the event you are unable to follow social distancing guidelines we recommend you wear a mask and gloves as well, unless doing so would violate your sincerely held religious beliefs. MegaCorp respects the religious beliefs of all paying customers.
If you’re in need of a face mask or neck gaiter, you’re in luck! MegaCorp is pleased to announce our new MegaCorp brand of face masks and neck gaiters ready for purchase. They come in packs of three, are machine washable, and come in your choice of colors: red, MegaCorp blue, and sea foam green.
Our MegaCorp cafeterias are unfortunately closed for the moment, but fear not! Our MegaDrive through centers are open for when you need a quick bite to eat. For just $4.99 you can purchase a MegaCombo meal and we’ll donate a boxed meal to the brave men and women on the front lines!
Speaking of those brave men and women out there battling the spread of COVID-19, our thoughts and prayers are with each of you daily. Because we value your work so much, we’re giving all healthcare workers and first responders a 10% discount with each purchase. Simply show your ID to store employees at checkout or attach a photo of your relevant identification when you shop online.
We don’t know what lies ahead, but the MegaCorp team is united in our mission to bring you the goods and services you need at the most cost-effective prices. As we move forward, we sincerely appreciate your support.
After all, we’re in this together.
Best Wishes,
Mark Gastings,
CEO, MegaCorp
Discover more from Simple Justice
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
CLS,
Perhaps like Smithfield Foods*, I see that MegaCorp continues to keep quite about the fact that it was purchased by a Chinese company for $7.1 billion US back in 2013. Smart move to keep silent about that. Although I suppose it would be OK to begin the MegaCorp pandemic e-mails with a warm, “Nǐ hǎo.”
All the best.
RGK
* Because Smithfield has closed one of its major bacon plants in Wisconsin, SHG is probably curled up in a ball by now.
Judge, MegaCorp is a wholly American company. Now as far as its parent company, Super EVIL MegaCorp, I can’t comment on that.
Judge,
I recall the purchase of Smithfield was to ensure a continuous flow of Covid-19 infected pork to China, right?
That’s why it breezed through the CFIUS approval process.
I’m still trying to figure out why they bought Nathan’s Famous , but if Cinnabon goes, we will have won the war.
LT,
I suppose you prefer meat from dogs. Crispy!
All the best.
Rich
Wife: “Do I look like I’ve gained any weight since the quarantine started?”
Husband: “Don’t worry about it, you’ve always been fat.”
The funeral will be held on Tuesday at 3 PM via Zoom.
Sounds like the husband made a hefty mistake.
He’s still social distancing himself since he will be six feet under.
His fatal mistake was when she asked “Don’t you love me any more?” and his reply was no but that he didn’t love her any less.