Prefatory note: I met up with someone using the handle “BlueDragon34” on my Discord server last week who informed me “StickyWeeks” is currently in jail awaiting trial for his brave efforts in bringing us transparency in law enforcement communications. “Dragon,” as I call my new ally, swore to carry on Sticky’s work. Apparently the Dragon delivers—CLS
July 29, 2020
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
RE: McNally Protocols Lifting
Good morning, all:
I’m pleased to inform you the town Elders voted last night to lift the Rand McNally Protocols. We are no longer required to shoot anyone with an out of state license plate on sight.
Previous departmental rules involving people wearing Vol Orange or Clemson colors still apply.
Fraternally,
Sheriff Roy
August 1, 2020
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
RE: Learning Pod Alternative Request
Hello all:
It has come to my attention the Lane Kiffin Learning Pod Roy Junior attends plans to use something called “The 1916 Project” as part of their American History Module.
That vile codswallop is neither American nor History, and I will not see my son exposed to such nonsense.
If anyone has feelers on openings in other learning pods, let me know ASAP.
Francine, see if there’s anything we can do to get Roy Junior in the Bear Bryan pod—I hear those kids are going places.
Fraternally,
Sheriff Roy
August 3, 2020
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
RE: Inter-departmental Chili Cookoff
Good morning all:
As you may be aware the time draws near for the Inter-Departmental Charity Chili Cookoff between this office, the Driftwood County District Attorney’s office, and our sister department in Dismal Seepage, Arkansas. As the event nears I wanted to remind all participants from this office of a few important things:
- Proper chili consists of meat, sauce, and beans. Chili without meat is soup beans. Chili lacking beans is a watery bowl of Manwich. Any sauceless entries win an immediate cognitive function test.
2. I will personally tase any vegan entries or someone who uses Tofu as their “meat.”
- In my discretion, I’ve decided to award an extra point during judging if the entry contains venison. There is no reason for this rule change other than I’ve been craving venison today.
Deputy Miranda, your entry better not contain pineapple chunks this year. I don’t know if you were playing a practical joke on me or were serious, but I expect better from you.
Fraternally,
Sheriff Roy
August 11, 2020
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
RE: Football season canceled?
Good morning all:
I learned today the Big Ten voted to cancel their 2020 football season. As a greater man than I once said, “boo fucking hoo.” The SEC’s still holding a season so that just means better odds for our boys in the Crimson Tide to hold the National Championship once again.
Fraternally,
Sheriff Roy
August 13, 2020
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
RE: Recent NCAA Announcements
Good morning all:
Today the NCAA announced there would be no National Championship game this season. Excuse my language, but those people can kiss my dimpled white ass.
This will only prove my longstanding point the SEC Champion is the best team that season in all of College Football. Any previous years the Crimson Tide weren’t National Champions are hereby deemed irrelevant.
Roll Tide and may God Bless the great University of Alabama!
Fraternally,
Sheriff Roy
August 14, 2020
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
RE: Correction to email from yesterday/employment opportunity
Good morning all:
Yesterday, Deputy Todd Lichfield, our Diversity, Inclusion, and Equity Officer, notified me when I said “May God Bless the great University of Alabama” in a previous email I may have offended some of you. Deputy Lichfield advised me the better phrasing would be “May the Non-Specific Deity of your Explicitly Enthusiastic Consensual Choosing.” I regret the error.
Also, today is Deputy Lichfield’s last day with us. If anyone with a better sense of humor than Deputy Lichfield would like to apply for his post, see Francine.
Fraternally,
Sheriff Roy
August 19, 2020
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
RE: Public Intoxication Story
Good afternoon:
Deputy Miranda just told me about a recent event at the Driftwood County Courthouse I have a hard time believing isn’t a complete fabrication. If anyone can corroborate the Deputy’s story I would greatly appreciate they stop by my office.
Fraternally,
Sheriff Roy
August 20, 2020
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
RE: Use of Force Matrix
Ladies and Gentlemen:
In light of recent events, I’ve learned many departments across the nation are reviewing their Use of Force policies. It’s probably time to revisit our core Departmental policies as a whole, especially since we have a few new hires. The following are universal rules at the Mud Lick Sheriff’s Department regardless of position or shift:
- Arrest anyone wearing Vol Orange on sight. We’ll make the charges stick later.
Deputy Tyrone never gets a service firearm, taser, baton, Mag-Light, or any device that could feasibly cause injury to a party. He is also never allowed access to the keys for any vehicle belonging to the Department.
Any party wearing Clemson attire automatically gets a cavity search.
Fraternally,
Sheriff Roy
August 25, 2020
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: All Departments
RE: Incident with my spare uniform
Good morning everyone:
Last week someone thought it would be funny to hide an athletic sock in the trousers of the spare uniform I keep in my office closet. This caused me to spend the better part of two hours adjusting my pants as I thought something was wrong with the fit.
The culprit never came forward even after I offered to absolve this sort of churlish behavior, so I had no choice but to take action.
Results from the Driftwood Crime Lab are on my desk. The perpetrator of this deed will find a transfer order in their locker. Taped to the order will be a single dime. I invite the guilty to use it on Mud Lick’s sole pay phone to let any loved ones know how poor life decisions can unexpectedly affect one’s employment.
Fraternally,
Sheriff Roy
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Chili has no beans.* Period. EOD.
*CASI (Terlingua) Cookoff Rules:
There are a few basic rules that a cook must remember:
. . .
Do not use fillers in your chili; such as beans, macaroni, rice, hominy, or other similar ingredients.
. . .
At one time I thought Sheriff Roy was a gentleman, a scholar, and a judge of fine whiskey.
No more. Anyone that puts beans in their chili would put sugar in their cornbread and commit other perversions.
Beans, Beans
They’re good for your heart.
The more you eat beans,
The more you…get smart.
Beans are good, but they do not belong in certain places…
Beans, beans
The musical fruit
The more you eat
The more you toot.
Exactly. Next thing you know is that he’ll be wanting to create mixed drinks with scotch.
And then there’s always brandy and milk. Swear by it.
Kumis, for real men.
-says the sissy man who will never touch it.
I actually come up with quality gags this week and the one getting the first impressions is the chili one? Okay. Had no idea people were that passionate about chili.
Why, yes. The city council in Septic Flush, the East Texas sister city to Dismal Seepage, would have you tarred and feathered for even suggesting that chili should have beans (oh, the horror, the horror).
I don’t even want to think about they would do if they found pineapple in the chili.
The Spanish Inquisition would look like a rose garden at that point.
Cincinnati chili, look it up. The guy who invented that should have been convicted of crimes against the palate.
Poorly done chili is a crime worthy of a flogging.
Some day, if you’re lucky, you might be able try a bit of my chili. Be warned, have a glass of buttermilk handy if you’re a yank. Jalapenos are just flavouring, habaneros, ghost peppers and carolina reapers are for heat – depending on what’s available. For sissy chili I use a couple of jalapenos and a couple of serranos. However, I do like beans in it, navy or great northern and dark kidney if I’m serving it as a main dish, if it’s being used as a sauce or accompaniment it goes without beans. Masa, however, is a crime against all chili, cook it right and leave out the cheap thickeners.
Speaking of which Scott, we are getting out and getting some briskets this weekend – if there are any to be had.
You will be glad to hear that I just put a brisket in brine this morning. Along about mid-October they should come out.
I’m salivating already.
You’ve perhaps not heard of the Goat Gap Gazette.
I picked up an issue or two a long while back, while eating at World Class Chili – a more than good eatery in the Pike Place Market. Unfortunately, the proprietor passed long before before I escaped to sunnier climes, but he served chili, over your choice of several kinds of beans or rice – never cooked with.
The Real Kurt
To: Roy Templeton ([email protected])
Mud Lick, Alabama Sheriff Department
From: Cephus Bodeen
Dismal Seepage, Arkansas Sheriff Department
Hey Roy,
Just want to let you know that some asshole signed your name to a letter of recommendation that was presented to me by a Todd Lichfield, who claims to have been your department’s Diversity, Inclusion, and Equity Officer and inquired about our need for such. Excuse me, brother Roy, but what the hell is that? DIE officer? You’ve pulled some knee-slappers in the past, but this one just makes me shake my head. I knew it had to be a joke when he started off by criticizing the pictures of my NASCAR heroes because of the flag painted on their cars.
All of us here are looking forward to the Inter-departmental Chili Cookoff. As in the past, we agree to the rule that the chili shall contain meat, beans, and sauce. There are always those who scream that chili should not contain anything more than meat and sauce. Well, why the hell is it called chili con carne? Why would it be “chili with meat” if it already has meat? As an open-minded believer in diversity of chili, folks can put any damn thing they want, or not, in their chili, as long as it isn’t presented as chili for this contest. I hope that last year’s entry with pineapple was a fluke. Promise me you won’t let that happen again.
Oh, and I hope your band will play a set for us all again. I still got that ZZ Top beard you forgot to take home with you last year.
Fraternally,
Cephus
P.S. Roy, everybody loved this number, we hope you’ll play it again this year:
I’m astounded what began as a stupid way to make fun of dumb cop antics has morphed into a complete fictional world evolving outside my imagination. Wow.
While not exactly predictable, it’s not entirely surprising, either. Folks like a good story, and will, like an obstreperous mount, take off at the high port and continue with it.
You should feel honored that you’ve provided a measure of relief in these worse-than-dreary times.
Kurt
Wait….Mud Lick has a pay phone that still only costs a dime to make a call?
It’s a simple town, replete with reminders of days gone by.
” The perpetrator of this deed will find a transfer order in their locker. Taped to the order will be a single dime. I invite the guilty to use it on Mud Lick’s sole pay phone to let any loved ones know how poor life decisions can unexpectedly affect one’s employment.”
Lord, I wish I had been half as skillful writing termination orders. The closest I ever came was, “Bob is the kind of employee who gives mediocrity a bad name”, on an evaluation. Bob thought it was a compliment. HR not so much.
CLS: Please pardon the possible nitpick, but wouldn’t the pod be named after Bear Bryant? I’d think that kind of typo could get someone wrecked by the Crimson Tide faithful faster than shouting “WAR EAGLE!”
You can forgive typos when an email is sent in rage. The Sheriff is not a fan of the 1619 project, in case it wasn’t obvious.
“Francine, see if there’s anything we can do to get Roy Junior in the Bear Bryan pod—I hear those kids are going places.”
Silly Sheriff. Responsible parents keep their children as far away from Tide Pods as possible…
Zinger of the day.
Everyone go home, John S. just won the Internet today. John S., proceed to the pay window for your celebratory “Attaboy.”
Oooh! Is that as good as a tummy rub from the moderator?
No. (But Tide pods was hysterical.)