Let’s get honest for a moment. It’s been a rough week. Some of you reading this might feel the same way. If so, I’m sorry you’re down.
At least we’re not having a week like the New Jersey State Police Benevolent Association (which we’ll call the NJ PBA so I don’t have to type all that out again.)
This is from a public post on the PBA’s Facebook page bitching about certain provisions in New Jersey’s new marijuana legalization bill. Specifically, cops in New Jersey can’t use the smell of pot as a pretext to search someone’s person or vehicle. Furthermore, Jersey cops can’t even ask minors if they’ve been smoking pot or using alcohol. And if cops use the smell of pot or alcohol to search a child, they can be charged with “3rd Degree Deprivation of Civil Rights.”
New Jersey police can’t even search children for reefer or booze. The text of the bill states minors are incapable of consent to search.
I’m sure all of you can empathize with the NJ PBA’s hurt feelz. Being a cop is hard!
All of this bitching and moaning about how New Jersey’s Largest have their hands tied in the course of performing their job means it’s time we give them a little extra kick in the pants. So it’s time for one of my favorite games:
CROWDSOURCED SMART-ASSERY!
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to come up with the best zinger responding to a New Jersey cop crying over his beer about how he can’t lie about smelling pot to justify a search anymore. Extra points will be awarded for creativity, originality, and how much I snicker on reading it. The overall best earns an “attaboy” from me.
Let’s see what you’ve got in the comments section. Happy Friday to everyone, and remember: no matter how the week’s been at least you’re not the poor soul in charge of the NJ PBA social media accounts.
We’ll see you next week!
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Hey, pal, whattsaproblem, huh? Youse guyz ken still stop hippies in VWs and brand em on de ass widda hot paper clip bent inda shape ah da State Police symbolic try-angull. A little reefer? Whaddya kiddin me?? C’mon man. You probly call it “Taylor Ham” fer crissakes. Go take a jughandle at 55 awe sumpin. But getouttaheah! Go hit da Pahkway, why doncha!
You can take the kid out of Jersey, but you can’t take Jersey out of the kid.
I got to see Tommy Chong several years ago at a Nashville comedy club.
He was…interesting.
How’m I to get my dope?
From chambers, like any decent lawyer.
Truly, the loss of officer testimony about “the poignant odor of unburnt marijuana” will be a body blow to the art of comedy.
Did you remember that story or was that one of your own?
I did remember your post on the subject, among other sources. We do listen sometimes.
Frankly, I am more annoyed with their double spacing after periods.
At six ounces of legal posession, everyone will smell of weed.
This has a zen like quality to it.
“It’s the Garden State for cryin’ out loud. Now it’s going to be covered in weed. Next thing you know, they’re going to let these people make left turns and pump their own gas.”
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I moved back to NJ so I don’t have to pump my own gas. Also, though I am from the Midwest, I am very fond of the jug handle. To be honest, it makes a lot of sense from a traffic flow perspective and I wish had been adopted as a broader standard. But I guess Jersey was on the losing side of that argument too.
This has strong “times ain’t what they used to be ” vibes.
Okay how the fuck did you find Cab Calloway with Muppets?
It’s easy when you’re Hi De Hi De Hi.
“Man, if you can’t find a BS excuse to pull over a car full of (N-word)s, you’re too dumb to work for TSA.”
I
TSA? Sit down. I have something to tell you and it’s going to make you sad.
In cop lingo “too dumb to work for the TSA” means the individual in question is two steps below mall security and only one small step above too stupid to breathe.
Ah. Looks like I’m the person who learned something today.
Sorry, HG. I was the dolt.
This actually smacks of realism.
“Let’s get drunk and be screws. Cavity searches, and no NJ PBA.”
I’m giving you an honorable mention because this sounds like a song lyric Jimmy Buffet would dream up if he were a cop.
It was supposed to be JB parody. But I deserve a butt kick for messing up the second line.
Broke for minors: “I smelled the pungent odor of marijuana”
Woke for minors: “I smelled the pungent odor of Kools”
“Don’t worry, you can still score a free lid without searches, I’m sure it’s covered in your prescription plan.”
This is going to be trouble. I can just smell it.
Bad pun, but it works here so I’ll give you a pass.
This was too tough to call a clear winner.
One thing I appreciate about the SJ readers is when I issue a challenge like this you all come with the thunder.
So “attaboys” all around, with special mentions to Bear, Charles and Sandia.
John gets a nod for the most Twitter worthy zinger.
And best music goes to Howl because that’s the most insane thing I’ve seen all week.
SHG you nailed the vibe with the Springsteen, but since you run the place you’re kind of ineligible for the prize.
Thanks for playing, everyone!