Seaton: Crowdsourced Smartassery, Jersey Edition

Let’s get honest for a moment. It’s been a rough week. Some of you reading this might feel the same way. If so, I’m sorry you’re down.

At least we’re not having a week like the New Jersey State Police Benevolent Association (which we’ll call the NJ PBA so I don’t have to type all that out again.)

This is from a public post on the PBA’s Facebook page bitching about certain provisions in New Jersey’s new marijuana legalization bill. Specifically, cops in New Jersey can’t use the smell of pot as a pretext to search someone’s person or vehicle. Furthermore, Jersey cops can’t even ask minors if they’ve been smoking pot or using alcohol. And if cops use the smell of pot or alcohol to search a child, they can be charged with “3rd Degree Deprivation of Civil Rights.”

New Jersey police can’t even search children for reefer or booze. The text of the bill states minors are incapable of consent to search.

I’m sure all of you can empathize with the NJ PBA’s hurt feelz. Being a cop is hard!

All of this bitching and moaning about how New Jersey’s Largest have their hands tied in the course of performing their job means it’s time we give them a little extra kick in the pants. So it’s time for one of my favorite games:

CROWDSOURCED SMART-ASSERY!

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to come up with the best zinger responding to a New Jersey cop crying over his beer about how he can’t lie about smelling pot to justify a search anymore. Extra points will be awarded for creativity, originality, and how much I snicker on reading it. The overall best earns an “attaboy” from me.

Let’s see what you’ve got in the comments section. Happy Friday to everyone, and remember: no matter how the week’s been at least you’re not the poor soul in charge of the NJ PBA social media accounts.

We’ll see you next week!

33 thoughts on “Seaton: Crowdsourced Smartassery, Jersey Edition

  1. Chris Van Wagner

    Hey, pal, whattsaproblem, huh? Youse guyz ken still stop hippies in VWs and brand em on de ass widda hot paper clip bent inda shape ah da State Police symbolic try-angull. A little reefer? Whaddya kiddin me?? C’mon man. You probly call it “Taylor Ham” fer crissakes. Go take a jughandle at 55 awe sumpin. But getouttaheah! Go hit da Pahkway, why doncha!

  2. DaveL

    Truly, the loss of officer testimony about “the poignant odor of unburnt marijuana” will be a body blow to the art of comedy.

  3. Charles

    “It’s the Garden State for cryin’ out loud. Now it’s going to be covered in weed. Next thing you know, they’re going to let these people make left turns and pump their own gas.”

    1. Sandia

      NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I moved back to NJ so I don’t have to pump my own gas. Also, though I am from the Midwest, I am very fond of the jug handle. To be honest, it makes a lot of sense from a traffic flow perspective and I wish had been adopted as a broader standard. But I guess Jersey was on the losing side of that argument too.

  4. Hunting Guy

    “Man, if you can’t find a BS excuse to pull over a car full of (N-word)s, you’re too dumb to work for TSA.”

    I

      1. L. Phillips

        In cop lingo “too dumb to work for the TSA” means the individual in question is two steps below mall security and only one small step above too stupid to breathe.

    1. CLS

      I’m giving you an honorable mention because this sounds like a song lyric Jimmy Buffet would dream up if he were a cop.

  5. John

    Broke for minors: “I smelled the pungent odor of marijuana”
    Woke for minors: “I smelled the pungent odor of Kools”

  6. Edward

    “Don’t worry, you can still score a free lid without searches, I’m sure it’s covered in your prescription plan.”

  7. CLS

    This was too tough to call a clear winner.

    One thing I appreciate about the SJ readers is when I issue a challenge like this you all come with the thunder.

    So “attaboys” all around, with special mentions to Bear, Charles and Sandia.

    John gets a nod for the most Twitter worthy zinger.

    And best music goes to Howl because that’s the most insane thing I’ve seen all week.

    SHG you nailed the vibe with the Springsteen, but since you run the place you’re kind of ineligible for the prize.

    Thanks for playing, everyone!

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