Seaton: Reflections on British Sporting Press

The following is an article from a British tabloid. I want you to soak in the headline. Bask in its glory. Then read the piece and come back here.

Mars Bars up arse champ branded a cheat for using the small multipack ones

  1. This was from May of last year and none of you had the decency to send it to me when we really could’ve used the laugh? I’m ashamed of y’all.
  2. This was in the SPORTS section of the tabloid. Man, British people were hurting for sports news when the lockdowns hit, huh?
  3. Dude’s got at least a few people in Colombia who’d love to talk to him. Strictly business, you understand.
  4. I think the guy’s got a point. Fun size bars or not, sticking twelve Mars Bars up one’s ass is quite the feat.
  5. He uses the phrase “chocolate leakage.” I don’t think that means to him what it means to the rest of us.
  6. Are you surprised his spouse has a talent for sticking things in unusual orifices? Me neither.
  7. Who told this mental midget putting his name in the paper over something like this was a good idea? Or where he lived?
  8. We’ll never watch “Caddyshack” the same way again.
  9. Incidents like this give a whole new meaning to the term “fudge packing.”
  10. I can’t find a mention of the “International Anal Insertion Association” outside of this article and I’m not sure I want to.
  11. His wife’s got nothing to worry about as long as those Turkish Delights are standard size.
  12. If this much turmoil is being made over such an anal issue, I guess size really does matter.
  13. You’d hate to play doubles cornhole with this pair. It seems like they’ve got the market on experience.
  14. I’ll bet Mark cried when he set the world record, alright. Twice.
  15. Whether this actually happened at this point is irrelevant from the amount of laughs I’ve gotten over it in the last two days.

That’s all for this week, folks. Happy Friday, and remember: you might have had a bad week, but we’re not making fun of you for sticking twelve candy bars up your ass. And it making the news.

See you next week, everyone!

17 thoughts on “Seaton: Reflections on British Sporting Press

  1. Steve UK

    I don’t see what’s so remarkable about the headline. Surely they are the same in American media too. I also don’t see what’s amusing about a man who thought it was acceptable to cheat in an honest contest. Even I could beat the record if I used fun-size Mars bars.

    1. CLS

      Steve, if you’re actually from the UK first thanks for dropping by. I’m glad you took time out of your day to read my stuff.

      Second, we usually don’t have sports headlines in America about grown men sticking candies up their asses.

      And if you want to try and replicate the event, that’s all you, friend.

      1. Steve UK

        “we usually don’t have sports headlines in America about grown men sticking candies up their asses.”

        The British tabloid media has a long-standing lunatic fringe, which is not to say that the stories therein are false. Reality could actually be worse: I suspect that in Scotland, they would deep-fry the chocolate bars before insertion.

  2. Guitardave

    Did you flunk earth sciences? …Mars ain’t supposed to be anywhere near Uranus.

    One other thought about his wife’s after dinner snacks…Chocolate dingle-berries! Yum!

  3. Hunting Guy

    Jam Master Jay.

    “ Then I got a gig with an older friend who had the equipment and he played in this bar. They would bring me in the bar through the backdoor and I would DJ in the back room most of the night. Then they’d take me out the backdoor, so I was never really in the bar.”

    1. CLS

      Morgan Freeman Narrator Voice.

      “He did not know when he hit “Post Comment” his would be the most family friendly one involving back doors that day.”

  4. Richard Kopf


    After reading Scott’s take-down of Eugene V’s change of heart on revenge porn, it occurred to me that the British could also teach Professor V. a thing or 12 about expressive speech, obscenity, one’s arse, and multipack Mars Bars.

    All the best.


    1. CLS

      Judge, what Eugene does with consenting British adults in his private time is none of my business.

      1. the other rob

        But what is called a Mars Bar in the UK is akin to what is called a Milky Way here. And what is called a Milky Way in the UK is akin to what is called a Three Musketeers here.

        A Snickers is still a Snickers, though. Except for when it used to be called a Marathon.

    1. CLS

      It’s 2021 and this discussion just nose dived into the appropriate names for candies one may choose to keister.

      Yep, this checks out.

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