Like many adult males, I recently sat through the “Friends” reunion. As I spend the rest of the month perusing all the DC Comics material on HBO Max, I realized we’re overlooking a valuable idea in the criminal justice system.

We need our own Suicide Squad.

If you’re not familiar with the Suicide Squad, they’re a team of some of the worst villains the DC Universe could dream up. Each has a small bomb implanted in their neck. If any gets out of line or tries to escape during a mission, a commanding officer activates the bomb, blowing the subject’s head off their shoulders.

Under the command of Amanda Waller and Colonel Rick Flagg, the Squad is dropped into missions deemed too out of control for even the military. If the Squad completes a mission, each member gets ten years off their sentence. If they don’t…well, they knew what they signed up for.

Why can’t we do something like this in America? Inmates could volunteer for the program. As long as they understand the risks associated with having a bomb in your neck and being sent places the best fighting force on the planet gives a hard pass on, we could just shrug and say “assumption of the risk.”

It gives prisoners interested in rehabilitation a chance to prove it and serve their country in the process. If you’re in for murdering fifteen people and want to pay your debt to society by continuing to get your hands dirty, then so be it.

We don’t have to stop at killers for our Task Force X. Surely there’s items the Government wants but can’t publicly acquire without resorting to legally gray areas. I’m sure a burglar or two would love to nick any items America wanted for years off their bid.

If anyone has a decent argument over how this would be less wrong than our current civil asset forfeiture scheme, I’m willing to listen.

Leadership would have to be top military personnel, with a liaison in the intelligence community at the head. Ideally the field commander would be someone who’d seen extensive action. We want to make sure they have no qualms about detonating a neck bomb at the first sign of unrest.

Once a recruit finished the program they’d be given a new identity and dropped in a quiet suburban neighborhood with the understanding any mention of participating in Task Force X would violate national security and send them back to federal prison.

And if that individual wanted to atone for their mistakes, we could set the minimum sentence at ten years. It gives the offenders a chance to win freedom with just one mission.

It’s possible we already have the technology to implant the bombs. If we can microchip pets with a tracker implanted under sedation, we can put one in a human neck with just enough explosive to be lethal. The head might not make an impressive pop, but other Squad members would think twice after seeing the first bomb blow.

We can accomplish numerous goals in the name of advancing American interests. We can provide a means of paying a debt to society that gives those we locked away a chance to prove by action they’ve changed for the better.

All it’s going to take, theoretically, are authoritarian bureaucrats with zero moral compass.

So we could theoretically see America’s Task Force X before the midterm elections.

That’s all for this week, everyone! Happy Friday, and remember: no matter how bad your week’s been, a self-professed middle-aged crazy man on the Internet isn’t arguing to put a bomb in your neck.

See you next week!