Seaton: Assorted Stupidity

What follows are a series of random thoughts recorded over the last few weeks on a dictation app my wife purchased so she didn’t have to hear me type. Consider this a sort of monologue, if you will


Jeffrey Tobin returning to CNN after masturbating on the job elsewhere was rather jarring. I don’t think he suffered enough for this sin. If he’s going to remain on TV, I think he should be renamed Zoom Dick.

“And now, joining us to discuss this matter is CNN analyst Zoom Dick. Zoom Dick, thank you for joining us?”

I also see his rehabilitation interview was conducted by a woman. How perverse is that? What did she do to piss off her bosses? Or worse, did Zoom Dick have something on her? One shudders.

It’s 2021. I shouldn’t be able to say with a straight face that I’ve seen a grown man stuff paper towels down a toilet to wreck said plumbing but after this week, I no longer have that luxury.

Outrage erupted recently among Republicans when adult film star Brandi Love attended Turning Point USA’s recent conference. Staff were most likely alerted to her presence by a teen pretending not to recognize her from Pornhub.

It’s a shame conservatives won’t embrace someone like Brandi Love. Porn stars are great at selling sex, and Republicans can’t sell shit to a fertilizer company right now. Maybe there’s lessons to be learned!

You’re perfectly fine judging someone’s religion based on their shitty music. It’s one reason I’m not a Southern Baptist.

A stupid meme is circling the internet about samurai having the chance to send Abraham Lincoln a fax. What is a samurai going to fax Abraham Lincoln about? Last time I checked, the samurai were busy fighting each other for their respective Shoguns, and Lincoln was trying to keep a nation together. Plus Lincoln couldn’t read Japanese. Stop with your nonsense.

Facebook recently took exception with President Biden’s remarks the social media platform was “killing people” by allowing vaccine misinformation on the service. Facebook responded with a blog post that read, “Dementia patient says what?”, changing his profile picture to that of a houseplant, and leaving as his personal status, “My wife is a fucking idiot” for two hours.

When we look back on the year in December, it’s going to be interesting raising a toast to the death of scientific credibility.

On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for any doughnut drops to zero.

The world could use a moment of unity. Rand Paul and Anthony Fauci, America’s Public Health Jesus, need to perform a duet of “Ain’t That A Kick In The Head” on live television. It’s the healing we deserve.

Lawmakers, regardless of political affiliation, despise the word “No.”

New York legislators recently introduced a bill allowing for the removal and detention of people deemed “public health risks.” While the language of the bill is still up for debate, diet soda manufacturers are probably off the hook.

My six year old son recently told me he has a hundred years to grow up. “If I’m not grown up by then, Daddy, there’s a problem.” World leaders could use a fraction of his wisdom.

The most telling sign an institution is terminally woke is when its leaders include pronouns in email signatures.

It’s a sad day for America when Cam Newton is a voice calling for unity in a woman’s French scarf.

People in Los Angeles County are once again subject to a mask mandate when indoors, even if people are vaccinated against COVID. And I remember when people thought Tennesseans were dumb and gullible.

Plus we have Dolly Parton. LA has Gavin Newsom. Karmically, I like Tennessee’s chances better.

That’s all for this week, folks! Happy Friday, enjoy one of the last weeks of summer, and we’ll see you next time!

15 thoughts on “Seaton: Assorted Stupidity

  1. Drew Conlin

    Forget Toobin why should the rest of us have to be exposed to him again… no pun intended.

      1. cthulhu

        He should go to work for Robert Shapiro’s company, then we could call him Legal Zoom Dick.

        I’m here all week…

  2. Mike V.

    Not only do we have Dolly, but this week she dressed as a Playboy Bunny for her husband’s birthday. Thanks to the miracles of modern medicine, she looks good for a 75 year old.

    1. CLS

      I died laughing when Dolly suggested on late night TV her husband was interested in a threesome with Jennifer Anniston, then dismissed it by saying “He’s barely able to get up to pee, I’m not sure if he’d get it up for three.”

      She’s a national treasure.

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