After much wailing and gnashing of teeth Tuesday, when progressive and leftist campaigns suffered losses in election races around the country, top Democratic strategists met Wednesday and Thursday to discuss how the party would regroup for the 2022 midterms.
“I don’t understand why we didn’t handily win Virginia,” one strategist sulked. “We did everything right! We told the concerned parents they were crazy racists who bought into conspiracy theories Sean Hannity and Tucker Carlson peddle nightly!”
“I know, right?” another quipped. “Not even President Obama was able to stop those lunatic white supremacists from putting another closet white hood wearing maniac into office!”
“Wasn’t the former Virginia Governor the guy who actually wore either a KKK hood or blackface in his yearbook?” asked a coffee vendor who overheard the exchange.
The vendor was promptly defenestrated from the third floor.
“No matter, we know what they’re going to do from this point forward,” said one DNC chair, with resolve. “They think they can win on their so-called ‘culture war’ issues. Like education, which is just a white supremacist dog whistle for ‘stuff white parents don’t like.’”
“Agreed,” another remarked, nodding his head. “We’ve got to get out in front of this messaging and show we’re the ones on the moral high ground when it comes to the culture!”
“Maybe if you stopped pretending you were so offended by chants of ‘Let’s Go Brandon’ after four years of yelling ‘Fuck Donald Trump,’ people might believe you actually thought about where the moral high ground was?” asked a janitor.
The janitor was defenestrated from the fifth floor for his comments.
“Did you see the polling data?” asked a data analyst from a popular website. “No one cares much about COVID anymore. They’re all up in arms over national security, immigration, the economy and education. Doesn’t anyone realize the pandemic is still a thing?”
“Maybe there’s not that much reason to care about COVID since the vaccines have been out for almost a year now and everyone who wants one can get one easily?” asked a T-shirt vendor.
To which the data analyst replied, “Someone call for a cleaner!”
The “cleaner” deposited two bullets in the T-shirt vendor’s head before phoning the data analyst to collect his “laundry fee” in Bitcoin.
“We lost a New Jersey seat to a guy who spent less than $200 on his campaign!” lamented a phone bank worker. “How in the world do you win a campaign on less than five hundred grand?”
“We should get Reed Hastings on the phone to do a biopic about the McAuliffe campaign,” someone said approvingly. “That will be great fodder for 2022 and Reed’s really good at showing white people how disgustingly privileged they are.”
“How about you not make it transparent the guy who lost the Virginia Governor’s race campaigned at the end with the most hated woman in America for the last 19 months?” an intern shot back.
The intern was also defenestrated from the third floor.
“No,” a top Democrat political operative said, “We’re going about this all wrong. We’ve got to focus on one thing and one thing only. The thing that won us big in 2020. We’ve got to continue to tie every candidate and every position we don’t like to Donald Trump, no matter how flimsy the connection.”
“But he hasn’t been president for eleven months!” remarked Brandon Whetstone, one of the guys in charge of copies.
“FUCK OFF BRANDON,” the entire room responded in unison, sending Brandon back to the copy room.
“Geez, that guy makes the ‘Let’s go Brandon’ chants actually appealing” one strategist remarked.
“Goddammit, language!” remarked another. “We’re trying to restore some fucking norms around here, shit-for-brains!”
“That’s not a nice way to talk to one another,” a small, still voice whispered in the busy room.
Everyone turned to a little girl, no older than ten, standing in the middle of all the Beltway powerhouses.
“Out of the mouths of babes comes truth,” a female DNC chair spoke up. Approaching the little girl, she asked, “Young lady, what do you think we should have done better?”
“My mommy says you should stop calling other people names, listen to their concerns, and actually figure out ways to help people stop worrying about those concerns instead of pretending like you know everything and that everyone around you is stupid,” the little girl replied.
The entire room collectively blinked in stunned silence.
“What do we do now?” asked one political operative after a few minutes passed. “We can’t kill a kid!”
“No, but we can bore them to death,” another remarked with a grin.
“Someone get Randi Weingarten on the phone!”
That’s all for this week, folks! Happy Friday, and remember: no matter how bad your week’s been, at least you’re not the shrew I’ve made fun of twice in two weeks now!
This will be the last time I make fun of Randi Weingarten because SOMEONE threatened to send me a nude photo of her if I kept beating this dead horse.
You know who you are.
We’ll see you next week!
CLS,
If you do get it, and I desperately hope you do, copy me on the photo, please.
RGK
One man’s ceiling is another man’s floor.
Eww, Judge. Only if you promise to keep it under judicial seal.
That photo thing. It’s why I have foregone writing or performing any further songs or constructing any further Peeps dioramas relating to you-know-who.
Democrats will come out of this fine. They have already figured out that the decline in support just means they need to push their programs faster to show they are “getting things done.” Also, one of those things is going to be directly fucking with the livelihood of hundreds of thousands of workers, by making hundreds of companies and all federal contractors fire workers who won’t accept the vaccine/testing mandates. I don’t see how that could fail to sway significant numbers of votes in their favor. So, no worries. It’s going to be spectacular.
I would love to see a Peeps diorama of mass defenestration.
Just saying.
Your Honor,
If I may be so bold; I would think a gentleman of your caliber would have better taste. But I guess that old adage is true… different strokes for different folks.
What’s bold is that you didn’t use the reply button. Now that’s bold.
Honest Injun, scout’s honor, I did hit the reply button. Perhaps it had a brain fart? I’ll try to do better next time.
I believe you, but I can’t speak for Seaton. He’s tough.
Eww. Just gross.
I’m never getting this out of my head now.
If they were to think about it a little bit, not enough to strain their brains, mind you, but calling the winsome lass, Winsome Sears a white supremacist right out of the gate isn’t the right way to go.
And face it, put Mrs. Sears next to Maxine Waters or Sheila Jackson Lee and just on looks and personality alone, I know who I’d choose. Just sayin’.
Keep posting stuff like this and the woke will think this here hotel has gone totally to sheet wearing misogynistic gay bashing far right wing Trumpites.
That’s entertainment.
I’m an equal opportunity offender.
Certain folks have just been easier targets for my brand of satire lately.
Defenestration? Reminds me of the old paratrooper song…
Gory, gory what a hell of a way to die
And he ain’t gonna jump no more
Kurt
It’s one of my favorite words. I’ll use it when I can.