Happy Friday! Here are a few short jokes for your consideration, two of which I will make no bones about being completely awful.
Boutrous-Boutrous Ghali and Yo-Yo Ma go out to dinner. They ask the waiter, “How is the mahi-mahi?” “So-so.” “Then we’ll have the cous-cous.”
********************
A man says to his doctor, “Please doctor, you must help me. I have such a bad memory. I keep forgetting everything and it’s an absolute disaster. Please, please doctor help me.” The doctor replied, “Now please, calm down. How long have you noticed this problem?” “What?”
A pastor notices little Johnny eyeing a plaque in the church foyer with several American flags on it. Approaching the boy, he asks little Johnny what he thinks of the plaque. “Preacher, what’s it for?” asks little Johnny. “Well, it’s to honor the people who died in the service.” A few minutes pass before little Johnny asked in a terrified voice, “The 9 or the 10:45?”
A German Shepherd, a Doberman, and a cat go to meet God.
God asks the German Shepherd, “What did you do in life?”
The German Shepherd replied, “I was loyal to my master, I obeyed all commands, and I never once withheld my affections.”
“Good boy, you may sit at the right side of my throne,” God said.
Turning to the Doberman, God asked the dog, “What did you do in life?”
“I was a loyal guard to my master’s children, I never disobeyed, and I always enjoyed a good belly rub.”
“Good boy, you may sit at the left side of my throne,” God said.
Finally turning to the cat, God asks, “What did you do in life?”
“Bub,” says the cat, “You’re sitting in my seat.”
That’s all for this week! I’ll see myself out. Have a great weekend, and we’ll see you next week everybody!
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What do you get if you inject human DNA into a goat?
A lifetime ban from the patting zoo.
DOn’t forget to tip your server.
SHG,
Thanks. I needed a laugh today.
What does an attorney who works from home call his office?
His legal pad.
……….
Why does the bar association code of ethics prevent sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
…………
Anyone we know?
A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared he was losing the case and asked his senior partner if he should send a box of cigars to the judge to curry favor. The senior partner was horrified. “The judge is an honorable man,” he said, “If you do that, I guarantee you’ll lose the case!” Eventually, the judge ruled in the young lawyers favor. “Aren’t you glad you didn’t send those cigars?” the senior partner asked. “Oh, I did send them,” the younger lawyer replied. “I just enclosed my opponents business card with them.”
Stealing these.
Three old Jews are sitting on a bench on Collins Ave in Miami Beach doing what old Jews do: complain.
The first one says: “I have this problem. I wake up every morning at 7 am, and it takes me 20 minutes to pee.”
The second one says: “You think you have it bad? I wake up at 8 in the morning, drink a quart of prune juice, and only after I grunt and groan for half an hour do I finally have a bowel movement.”
The third guys says: “I got it worst of all. At 7 in the morning, I pee: a powerful stream like Secretariat in his prime. At 8 in the morning, I poop: large, perfect mounds, like a herd of Holsteins”
“So what’s your problem?” the others ask
The third guys says: “I don’t wake up until 9”
This one’s getting filed away too. Nice work Doc!
So, a chicken walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, “I’m really sorry, but we’re closing early tonight, and I’ve already given last call. Try the place across the road.”
So, now you know…
This is my favorite of the day. You get a Seaton “attaboy.”
Or an “at a-non-binary-designation-of-your-choosing”. I don’t judge.
The last one reminds me of a pithy favorite:
Dogs have a family. Cats have staff.
This pithy statement is also true and correct!
So I guess the lesson of the day is SJ Readers have the best jokes beyond any other blawg readership.
Thanks for the extra laughs, all! They were greatly appreciated!
My brother-in-law is so afraid of the covid he won’t get within 6 feet of a mirrow.
Sorry I’m late to the party.
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
‘I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.’…
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
‘I’ll never forget the first day our wonderful parish Priest arrived,’ said the politician. ‘In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.’
Moral of the story: Never show up late.
There’s a new sushi bar down the street from the Court house. All the lawyers are raving about it.
It’s called Sosumi.
True story. Driving back to our place after a weekend away, the frau is sound asleep and there is nothing of interest happening.
But dropping into the south end of Lake Valley (just north of Pony Springs) I do notice the herd bulls for the Geyser Ranch on their normal grazing allotment west of the road and about a half mile ahead. What was odd is that the bulls were trailing in toward one spot on the highway fence from five or six different directions.
A little farther down the road a white spot became visible on the west side of the highway just off the asphalt. This appeared to be where the bulls were headed.
The white spot became one of the smallest cars I have ever seen. About halfway between the car and the fence that is roughly 250 feet away was a small Oriental man in chinos, a blue puffy REI jacket, perfectly gelled hair and carrying a large camera. He is headed straight for the bulls. The car has California plates.
Now I have dilemma. I know those bulls. A friend operates that ranch. They have only two moods – horny or pissed off – and right now they are bored. The angel on my right shoulder tells me to stop and warn California that if those bulls decide he is either cute or a threat they will be through that fence like it was tissue paper and change his whole life experience.
The shady angel on my left shoulder took the bulls side of the argument with, “C’mon man, those bulls spend eleven months a year out here with no cows. At least let them have a new toy to play with.”
Seemed reasonable to me so I drove on.
So, a priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a bar…
The bartender comes over and asks, “What’s with the rabbit?”
“It’s a typo” the priest explains.
So, a bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks “What’ll it be?”.
“Give me a Harvey Wall…banger”, the bear says.
“OK, but why the big pause?”
The bear shrugs, “I was born with them.”
Kinda late, but WTH.
Years ago, a young Navy Pilot was injured while ejecting from his A-4 Skyhawk due to engine failure during a cat shot from the carrier, but due to the heroics of rescue helicopter crew and the ship’s hospital staff, the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn’t physically impaired, he remained on flight status and eventually became an Admiral.
However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing two Navy Master Chiefs and a Marine Sergeant Major for his personal staff.
The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him,
“Do you notice anything different about me?” The Master Chief answered, “Why, yes, Admiral. I couldn’t help but notice that you are missing your starboard ear, so I don’t know whether this impacts your hearing on that side.”
The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, “Well yes, Sir, you seem to be short one ear.” The Admiral threw him out as well.
The third interview was with the Marine Sergeant Major. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question. “Do you notice anything different about me?”
To his surprise, the Sergeant Major said, “Yes Sir. You wear contact lenses.”
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Marine. “And how would you know that?” the Admiral asked.
The Sergeant Major replied: “Well, sir, it’s pretty hard to wear glasses with only one f****n’ ear.