I recently told the following joke to my wife, which went completely over her head:

“A boy is sitting on the side of the road, shaking a bottle of turpentine and watching the bubbles in the liquid. A priest walks by, and asks the boy what he’s doing.

“Father,” says the boy, “this is turpentine, the most powerful liquid in the world.”

“Why dear boy, you’re mistaken!” the Priest says. “The most powerful liquid in the world is holy water. You can rub it on a pregnant lady’s belly and she’ll have a healthy child!”

“You can rub turpentine on a cat’s ass,” says the boy, “and he’ll pass a Harley Davidson.”

Something tells me the phrase “turpentine on a cat’s ass” wasn’t exactly a Yankee term. I first heard it from my grandmother, who used it to describe something moving at an unusually fast pace.

“Look at that maniac driving faster than turpentine on a cat’s ass,” she’d say as an example.

It’s gotten me thinking about other similar phrases I’ve heard over the years. Many of them come from my background in the rural South, so I’m not sure how many of them other people in different parts of the country would understand. Or even the world.

Here’s another one for us to examine: “As useless as a fencepost turtle.” I first heard this one from an old-timer while at the grocery store. “Boy, you look as useless as a fencepost turtle.”

When I pressed the old-timer about the saying, he told me “Boy it’s clear you ain’t walked enough fence in your day! If you had you’d eventually come across a turtle on a fencepost. It’ll look clueless, it’s probably got no idea how it got there and it’s damn sure they don’t have any idea how to get out of that unfortunate situation. It’s useless.”

The phrase struck me as wonderful and I’ve used it ever since.

Here’s a few other phrases I’ve been thinking about lately, none of which really make sense but are pretty common in usage.

“Hotter than a sinner’s ass in church.” Where’s the church that has a sinner’s ass so hot? And why would a sinner’s ass be hot to begin with? Most Christians think they’re sinners, so does that mean everyone’s uncomfortable while they sit in pews listening to a sermon?

“Phonier than a football bat.” This one seems to make sense, as I’ve never seen a bat used in football, whether American or soccer—what the rest of the world considers “football.” But why spell it out specifically? And how would one even begin to visualize what a “football bat” would look like?

“It’s like being the nicest guy in prison.” This one’s usually used to describe someone in a very unfortunate situation that might feel a touch out of place. But is there anything really that wrong with being nice in prison? After all, one would expect time off for good behavior. Plus it’s just good manners overall to be nice to people.

“That’s as much fun as a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.” Obviously that’s not a desirable activity at all. You could put an eye out, so if something’s as much fun as poking yourself in the eye with a sharp stick then it’s not advisable to do, is it?

We spend a lot of time with the English language, whether in a capacity as legal professionals or just in everyday conversation. It doesn’t mean we can’t take a moment to recognize the idiosyncrasies of the language itself.

When you think about it, it’s pretty fucking weird. Like tape.

While I’m thinking of tape, I would like to take a moment to honor a hero of mine who recently passed, Las Vegas magician “The Amazing Jonathan.”

In a world full of guys who were either interested in flashy illusions or low-key street performances, The Amazing Jonathan stood out as an oddball who played with tricks that either shocked audiences for their sheer gross-out value or wowed with their improbability.

The first time I saw The Amazing Jonathan work was a Comedy Central special where he was vigorously digging into his arm with a butcher knife. Blood spurted everywhere and the crowd gasped while Jonathan screamed.

The audience finally erupted in a fit of relieved laughter when Jonathan wiped the fake blood off his very much intact arm and sternly reminded everyone “It’s a trick.”