We’re at the start of another “history” month by the woke calendar, and I’m not having any of it. No, here at the Friday Funny for a few weeks we’re going to highlight the stories of some of my favorite people in the world: con artists.

Look, it was either this or you got a post this week about the history of people shoving gerbils up their asses, okay?* So bear with me. You’ll thank me later.

Anyway, today’s profile in “connage,” my totally made up term for a truly inspirational con artist, is Michael Larson, the man who damn near bankrupted CBS by watching way too many episodes of the game show “Press Your Luck.”

Set the Wayback Machine to 38 years ago, and CBS is running a game show called “Press Your Luck” that’s doing quite well for the broadcast network. The game, hosted by Peter Tomarken, was set up in the following format.

First, contestants would answer questions for spins they could either use in the next round or pass to another player. Then in the next round, players would spin a lighted board for numerous cash sums, prizes, and trips to exotic locations.

Players would spin until they stopped or encountered a “Whammy,” which would set their prize total to zero and cause the next contestant to begin their spins. Three Whammys and one was officially out of the game.

Back in 1984 our subject of today’s post, Michael Larson, was a huge fan of “Press Your Luck.” He would tape the show religiously and watch episodes of it back daily. As he studied the show, he learned something none of the creators ever intended audience eyes to see: there was a pattern to the prize board.

You see, game shows back in the 80s were no different from the game shows we see today. They value maximum returns for minimal investment, so corners will be cut in production where and when they can. And the most expensive cost for “Press Your Luck” was the light up prize board that determined whether a player got Big Bucks or a Whammy.

Turns out the producers only allowed for about eight different patterns to flash on the prize board in their original budget for the show. Michael Larson watched so many episodes of “Press Your Luck” on tape before he finally realized he could anticipate the patterns on the prize board and react accordingly.

So Larson spent his last dimes as an ice cream truck driver to get to Studio City in California where Press Your Luck was taped. His final purchase of his own money was a thrift store shirt bought a couple blocks down from the studio so he could make the dress code for the show.

And Larson makes it on to the show. He begins his question round rather unobtrusively. Doesn’t get many questions right, and banks only a couple of spins.

When the prize round starts, though? That’s when Larson takes off.

Granted, he stuttered a bit at first. The first spin was an immediate Whammy, setting him back to zero. But after that he was golden. Nothing could stop Larson as he tore through cash prize after cash prize, winning extra spins, and banking stupid amounts of loot.

When the dust finally settled, Larson won $110,237 ($283,000 in 2019 money), trips to the Bahamas and Kauai, and a sailboat. It was the most anyone ever won on a single appearance in a game show at the time.

So Standards and Practices at CBS immediately suspected Larson cheated some way. They refused to fork over the dough and prizes until they figured out what Larson did. Then CBS relented, giving our subject the riches he’d worked so hard to earn.

Larson told the press he planned to invest the money in real estate, but in reality he kept half his prize money in cash at his house. As the story tells, Larson wanted the money around for a radio station prize contest where he’d win extra money if he were able to produce a bill with a matching serial number to what was called out on air.

An unfortunate home invasion would cost Larson his cash on hand. So much for the theory keeping your money stuffed in your mattresses is safer than a bank!

It was pretty much downhill after that for Larson. He invested his remaining winnings in a series of get-rich-quick schemes that saw him investigated by the SEC, FBI, and IRS.

Larson would pass in 1999, at the age of 49 from throat cancer. He was never successfully prosecuted by any of the previously mentioned agencies.

And Press Your Luck would update their prize board schematic to 32 different combinations, almost ensuring no one could ever pull off a stunt like Larson’s again. Today’s version, hosted by Elizabeth Banks, undoubtedly uses some sort of fancy algorithm to completely randomize where a person lands when they hit their “stop button.”

So today at Scotch-o-Clock, join me in raising one for Michael Larson, a regular joe who took CBS to the cleaners by doing the one thing they never expected: watching more episodes of a game show than anyone else.

We’ll see you next week, everybody!

*Ed. Note: Do not try this at home without parental supervision, not that there’s anything wrong with that. No gerbils were harmed in the writing of this post.