It’s that special time of year again in Knoxville. The time when loyal Vols fans get their bail funds ready and select the proper bottle of mustard to sneak into Neyland Stadium. Trash talking’s been heavy since Sunday morning and Rocky Top’s favored by 6.5 points.

Tomorrow, dear readers, is Florida day. The day when my beloved Vols take on the University of Florida Gators in the hallowed halls of Neyland Stadium in Knoxville.

Being a Vols fan, I’ve said in the past, is akin to willfully staying in an abusive relationship. You know things are probably going to suck in the end but you remember what the good days were like (even if I was just of age when those good days existed) and there’s always something that MIGHT make this year better.

This year there’s some hope in Knoxville because of head coach Josh Huypel and the implementation of Tennessee’s “hurry up” offense. Tennessee runs more plays per minute than any other team in college football. Which was a cool trick last year but meant absolutely jack shit when your team gets a three and out in under a minute with zero depth to the defense.

Now we’ve got a really good defense, and teams playing UT haven’t quite figured out how to handle the speed at which the Vols operate when they’ve got the ball. This has taken us from barely scratching the top 25 teams at the start of the season to a 3-0 start and currently ranked as of this writing at #12 on the AFCA Coaches Poll.

Tomorrow the Vols are looking to get a signature win. This is big for not just Coach Huypel, QB Hendon Hooker, and receivers Cedric Tillman and Jabari Small. This is big for a fanbase and a town that’s taken kicking after kicking from the Florida Gators for years.

This is about payback. It’s about redemption.

So why am I still worried on Friday, dear readers?

Because it’s fucking Florida. If there’s a spineless group of egg sucking dogs that can take a victory and snatch it out of the gaping jaws of defeat, it’s going to be the Florida Gators. Those assholes have been playing dirty football longer than I’ve been alive and there’s little chance it’ll stop now.

Those motherless sons of whores will start taking soccer dives in the second quarter, faking leg cramps to slow down UT’s offense. This was such an issue last year that when Vol fans started booing players legitimately going down with injuries in the Pitt game this year the ACC announce team seemed shocked anyone in orange and white would boo such an incident.

Either that or the Gators will pay off the referees so the really questionable calls will go in Florida’s favor. Yes, I know the identities of refs are kept a secret until the game. I know they make enough money in their day jobs to make bribery essentially meaningless.

It’s still the Florida Gators. They’ll find a way to rig this game. I’m sure of it.

Sunday night my son asked me “Daddy, when’s the next game?”
“Saturday,” I replied.
“Who do we play, Daddy?”
“Florida,” I responded with a touch of venom behind the response.
“Are we going to win Daddy?”
I hugged my son tight, kissed him goodnight and said “I don’t know” as I left the room.

Children should have positive parental figures in their lives, is what I’m getting at here, and it’s hard to do that when you’re seething with anger over college football.

Which is what Florida games do to me.

So if I’ve been an insufferable ass to you this week, I apologize. It’s a seasonal thing. If I’m an insufferable ass afterwards should UT finally win this one, I apologize in advance but it’s been a long time coming.

And if I’m arrested Saturday, well, don’t blame me. Blame the Florida Gators football team.

After all, sometimes reasonable men are forced to do unreasonable things.

To everyone who isn’t a Florida Gators fan: Happy Friday!
To all of the Friday Funny readers, even if you’re a Florida fan: We’ll see you next week, everyone!