[Note: Since the subject of today’s piece lacks any sense of humor and I’m not trying to get arrested, today’s content is brought to you by the word “Parody.” P-A-R-O-D-Y is the defens—I mean the excuse for today’s jokes. Parody. Back to it—CLS]

Good day to all the Simple Justice readers out there. I am Sergeant Bruce D. Cthunts, Public Information Officer for the Parma, Ohio Police Department. I want to take a moment to thank Chris Seaton and Scott Greenfield, two fine men of American letters, great public intellectuals, and snappy dressers to boot, for giving me the space today to address the incident that has our Department’s name in national news again.

I will also forego any sort of formal tone to this statement as I am currently in the throes of a horrific case of the galloping cock rot. It’s on day three now and the pustules around my taint are just beginning to ooze, so let’s cut to the chase.

Some time back someone in our department decided it would be a good idea for us to have a Facebook page. I don’t know who started it or who maintains it, but I do know it was a good place to post dick measuring photos.

I’m not talking about photos where you send someone a picture of your penis and they send you one back so you can compare size and girth. No, I’m talking about the stylish arrangements on tables of weed baggies and glass pipes we confiscate from kids and minorities during traffic stops. You know, the posts that make people think we’re actually doing something for the community.

Well there was this shitbag kid named Anthony Novak who decided he somehow got the right to make fun of us. So he created a Facebook page that looked almost identical to the one we made, except he thought it would be all kinds of fun to put stuff on it that made fun of us. Specifically things like saying we gave abortions to teenagers in the back of police vans and discouraged minorities from applying to our department.

We’re public servants, goddammit. No one’s going to make fun of us and get away with it. So we did what anyone with a spine would do. We decided to fuck with the poor bastard’s life.

First we got a warrant to make Facebook tell us who the funnyman behind the fake page was. Once we found out it was a real citizen of Parma we could arrest, we went to the Law Director to see if there was a crime we could charge him with. The Law Director did his lawyer thing and found us a good one: disruption of public services.

Yeah, in hindsight calling our Facebook page a “public service” was a bad idea, but c’mon. We had the green light to toss this kid’s place, and we did. Took all of his shit, too. Laptops, Playstations, X-Boxes—you name it, we seized it.

Novak got acquitted in the end and we figured all was good, right? I mean he made the joke, we gave him a receipt, end of story. But no, some fucking lawyer had to get in his ear and tell this guy he had the chance to sue us civilly now. Something about a 1983 violation. I could have sworn that was a book by that Orwell guy.

Fortunately for us the Sixth Circuit Court of Appeals, who we did not pay off at all in hookers and blow, came to the correct decision and threw out Novak’s civil claims against us because of the doctrine of qualified immunity. We of the Parma Police Department love us some qualified immunity, let me tell you. When it’s not clearing us from shooting your neighbor’s dog it’s letting us get away with being absolute monsters to people who just want to ridicule us for a few laughs.

Well now Mr. Novak’s found himself some high-faluting bigwig lawyers who petitioned the United States Supreme Court to decide whether or not he should get to sue us. And he’s got a friend in some hack organization called “The Onion,” which despite calling itself “the world’s leading news publication” isn’t nearly as funny or has anywhere near the readership of the Friday Funny at Simple Justice.

So let’s get a few things cleaned up here. First, we believe in free speech at the Parma Police Department. But, all things have to be taken in moderation. And there’s limits to free speech; you can’t yell theatre in a crowded fire or call cops hateful names.

Second, yes, people should have the right to criticize, mock, or ridicule any governmental official they choose. Just not cops. We’re out there every day putting our necks on the line for you people and this is how you choose to treat us? Between the “Defund Police” crap and insisting we have thicker skin, it’s like we’re not even allowed to do our jobs properly anymore.

Third, Parma’s police force are some of the nation’s most diverse and inclusive out there. We boast a great track record of never fatally shooting a person of color, for example. We just tase them or sodomize them with nightsticks and batons. It’s more humane that way.

Finally, as a pro-life advocate I want it on the record that at no point in time has the Parma, Ohio Police Department ever offered free abortions to teenagers in the back of police vans. That statement is simply a flat-out lie.

We do continue to offer gender-affirming care up to and including so called “top” and “bottom” surgeries for interested parties. Just ask Dispatch when and where we’re holding our next set of clinics.

Thank you all for your time and attention and we hope to see the Supreme Court deny this frivolous Petition for Writ of Certiorari. They’re all old anyway, and take on fewer cases each year so there’s probably zero chance that we’d get anywhere with this, but in case you’re reading this, Justices: deny certiorari please.

And I’ll tell you what—that Justice Amy Barrett lady is a hell of a looker. I’d totally hit it.

Yours,
Sgt. Bruce D. Cthunts
Public Information Officer
Parma, Ohio Police Department