Prefatory Note: For those of you who might be new around here, I’ve got a hacker contact that sends me regular batches of emails Sheriff Roy composes on his office computer.

The Sheriff’s got lousy cybersecurity. Anyway, enjoy a look at what’s been on his mind this year!—CLS

January 1, 2023
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
SUBJECT: New Year’s Vision Board Issue

I would like to remind everyone in this Department that there are levels of professionalism to which all of us must be held as officers of the law. Some of your vision boards on display are not meeting that level of professionalism.

As an example for future reference, “Be the Change” and “Inspire Others” are suitable phrases for office vision boards. “Health, Wealth and Hella Bitches” or “Stunt On Them Hoes” are not.

You know who you are.

Fraternally,
—Sheriff Roy

January 3, 2023
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
SUBJECT: Sugar Bowl 2022

Is anyone else enjoying the replays on ESPN of the Sugar Bowl where we skunked Kansas State? What tools to think they could compete on the same level as Coach Saban and the Tide.

And we still ranked in the final 2022 poll and the start of 2023 poll better than the University of Tennessee Volunteers. I’d say that’s winning!

Fraternally,
—Sheriff Roy

January 7, 2023
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
SUBJECT: New Al-Anon Meetings

For any parties that may be interested, Lola Wentzel is starting an Al-Anon chapter at the Triple Rock Baptist Church. These meetings are designed as support groups for people who have family members struggling with alcoholism.

Coffee and Scones will be provided by Ms. Wentzel.
It’s important to have support mechanisms if you’re dealing with a family member struggling with substance abuse, so I’ll be granting time off requests for anyone in the Department who wants to attend. Just submit the paperwork and you’re good to go.

Fraternally,
—Sheriff Roy

January 8, 2023
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
SUBJECT: RE: New Al-Anon Meetings

When I offered time off discreetly to anyone wanting to attend Lola Wentzel’s Al-Anon meetings I thought I would get takers.

I did not expect an entire shift of officers to request time off, effectively leaving our town without officers to patrol the streets that evening.

I am left with no recourse but to manually vet each request for time off. If you submitted one, please stop by my office today before you leave.

Fraternally,
—Sheriff Roy

January 12, 2023
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
SUBJECT: Bear Bryant Story Hour

The library has informed me the reader for today’s Bear Bryant Story Hour has fallen ill and will not be able to read today.

If anyone would like to volunteer—and I stress we need ONE volunteer—please come by my office and we’ll get you sorted out.

Fraternally,
—Sheriff Roy

January 13, 2023
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
SUBJECT; RE: Bear Bryant Story Hour

I regret to inform you all that after the events of yesterday Deputy Tyrone Wentzel is on unpaid administrative leave.

An investigation is currently underway. Hopefully we’ll get to the bottom of how he came into possession of a hand grenade.

If your child or a child of a loved one was present at the library yesterday they are offering counselors if you’d like to take them up on that service.

Fraternally,
—Sheriff Roy

January 19, 2023
FROM: Templeton Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
SUBJECT: Rabbit in the Station

Everyone, I’ve been informed there’s a rabbit with a case of rabies loose in our station. If you see a rabbit, do not approach it. Contact Doc Butler and Animal Control immediately.

Fraternally,
—Sheriff Roy

January 20, 2023
FROM: Templeton, Roy ([email protected])
TO: ALL DEPARTMENTS
SUBJECT: RE: Rabbit in the Station

A huge thank you to Animal Control for disposing of our rabbit problem yesterday.

The rabbit made it into the evidence room and consumed a small quantity of cocaine before making its way into our kitchen and raiding the refrigerator while voiding its bowels in the process.

We’ve started a community fund to help replace anything that was consumed or damaged in our rabbit assault on the precinct. If you’d like to donate the kitty is on my secretary’s desk.

And I will personally clean the refrigerator today. If anyone wants to help I’d greatly appreciate it.

Fraternally,
–Sheriff Roy

Happy Friday everyone! Have a great weekend and remember: no matter how bad your week’s been at least you didn’t bring a hand grenade to a public library!

We’ll see you next week!