Seaton: Writers’ Strike

ONE: A conversation that almost certainly didn’t happen.

SHG: Hey Chris, heard you’re planning to join the TV and film writers on strike in LA?

Chris: Yeah, I’m gonna do designer drugs and throw cans of soup at art to show my solidarity.

SHG: Hmm, that’s one way to do it. But just so you know, AI can write your columns if you run off to LA.*

Chris: What? You’re saying a robot can replace me?

SHG: Well, not just any robot. AI Models like ChatGPT are getting highly advanced. And AI never goes on strike.

Chris: I don’t know, I think I’m irreplaceable.

SHG: Of course you are, Chris. Just like every snowflake is unique. But if you do decide to join the picket line, just remember that ChatGPT is always here for you.

Chris: Thanks for the reminder, boss. But I think I’ll stick with throwing cans of soup for now.

SHG: Suit yourself. Just don’t get arrested. The last thing we need is for you to end up in a TV show about prison life.

Chris: Ha! I’ll try to avoid that. Thanks, SHG.

The last sighting of our humble humorist was at the corner of Hollywood and Vine attempting to hurl cans of tomato soup at someone wearing an Andy Warhol shirt. If you’ve spotted Chris in the last seven days, feel free to post evidence with the hashtag #WheresChris on Twitter.

We apologize for any inconvenience his absence may have caused. In the interim, please enjoy this teaser trailer script found on Chris’s hard drive. It may explain his current lapse in rational thinking and sound judgment—Management

[INTRO: The screen is dark, and the sound of a heartbeat fills the silence. Suddenly, the Clean Mart logo flashes on screen, accompanied by an intense orchestral score.]

Narrator (Voiceover): In a world where cleanliness is everything…

[SCENE: A montage of shoppers wearing hazmat suits and lab coats, racing through Clean Mart aisles on hoverboards, and utilizing telekinetic staff to select items.]

Narrator (Voiceover): …one grocery store dares to take sanitation to the extreme.

[SCENE: Close-ups of the decontamination chamber, alarms blaring, and the robotic sanitation squad in action.]

Narrator (Voiceover): Experience the thrill, the suspense, and the uncontrollable urge to wash your hands…

[SCENE: A family gasps as an apple disappears in a puff of smoke, followed by a shot of the high-tech conveyor belt at the checkout line.]

Narrator (Voiceover): …in the most groundbreaking, germ-busting adventure of the century.

[OUTRO: The screen goes dark, and the words “Clean Mart: The Movie” appear in bold, gleaming letters.]

Narrator (Voiceover): Get ready for… Clean Mart: The Movie. This summer, cleanliness isn’t just next to godliness – it’s a matter of life and death.

[The trailer ends with a dramatic crescendo of music, followed by the release date and the hashtag #CleanMartTheMovie.]

Narrator (Voiceover): Coming soon to a sanitized theater near you.

We Interrupt this Friday Funny to bring you this important announcement from George Kittle and Penta El Zero Miedo.

[The commercial starts with a shot of a football stadium. George Kittle, the famous American football player, is walking down the stairs to the field. Suddenly, Penta El Zero Miedo, the renowned Mexican wrestler, appears from behind and surprises him.]

Penta El Zero Miedo: Hey, George! What’s up?

George Kittle: Oh, hey Penta! What brings you here?

Penta El Zero Miedo: I came to talk to you about an important issue.

George Kittle: What’s that?

Penta El Zero Miedo: Erectile dysfunction.

[George looks surprised and uncomfortable.]

George Kittle: Uh, I don’t know if I’m the right person to talk about that…

Penta El Zero Miedo: Of course, you are! You’re a man, just like millions of others who are affected by ED. But don’t worry, there’s a solution.

[The camera zooms in on Penta’s hand, where he’s holding a pill bottle labeled “SPACE MOUTAIN”.]

Penta El Zero Miedo: This right here is the answer to your problems. It’s Space Mountain, an ED medication that will help you get your confidence back.

George Kittle: [skeptical] I don’t know, Penta, I’m not sure I want to take that kind of medication.

Penta El Zero Miedo: [confident] Trust me, George, it works. And you know what else? It’s affordable and easy to get. You just need to go to New Horizon Medical Dot Com and order it online.

George Kittle: Hmm, I guess it wouldn’t hurt to try.

Penta El Zero Miedo: That’s the spirit! And if you need any help, just call me. I know a thing or two about being fearless.

[The camera shows Penta doing a wrestling move, while George looks impressed.]

Announcer: Don’t let ED take control of your life. Take Space Mountain and get back in the game. Order now and get a special discount. [Disclaimer: Always consult your doctor before taking any medication.]

[The commercial ends with a shot of George and Penta walking away, with the stadium in the background.]

That’s all for this week, folks. See you next time! Have a great weekend, and remember: no matter how bad your week was, at least you weren’t trapped in a Gatlinburg cabin with crunchy in-laws and someone named Cousin Sean!

Let’s do it again next Friday, when I might just focus on ONE goofy idea for a change!

*Ed. Note: AI did not write this column. Or did it?

3 thoughts on “Seaton: Writers’ Strike

  1. Hunting Guy

    Whoever wrote this, human or machine, must have been hard at celebrating Cinco de Mayo.

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