It’s that time of year in the South when it gets hot. And when I say hot, I don’t mean “hot” like “enjoy this sunny day at the beach” weather. Try more along the lines of feeling like you’re breathing soup when you step outside.

Fortunately for my family, we have this great invention we use regularly. It’s called “air conditioning” and it’s glorious, no matter what the climate wokescolds tell you.

Anyway, with summer ending it was time to take the kids to Dollywood.

If you’ve never been to Dollywood, it’s an experience like no other. Named after Dolly Parton, who’s something of a saint around this area, Dollywood is a bedazzled southern take on Disney World, but with more country music and far fattier foods.

The park is located in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, which is basically what Vegas would look like if your grandma ran it—full of sequins, lights, quilting and canned preserves in equal measure. Dollywood is one of several Dolly Parton owned businesses in the area. In addition to the theme park, there’s Dolly’s “Splash Country,” the DreamMore resort and spa, and on the main drag of Pigeon Forge there’s “Dolly’s Stampede.”

Dolly’s Stampede is a dinner show and rodeo competition rolled into one building and it’s really fun tor a whole family on the cheap. It used to be called the “Dixie Stampede” and had a civil war theme where half the theater was cheering for the North and half cheering for the South until a fucking New York Times writer decided to be offended at a show one evening.

New York Times writers ruin everything.

Despite this, Dolly decided to rename the place “Dolly’s Stampede” because she doesn’t want anyone to feel offended when they come to visit one of her businesses. We really don’t deserve saints like Dolly.

Anyway, back to Dollywood. I took the kids to the park on a day when Dolly is nice to the people in Sevier County, Tennessee, and lets them into the park for $5. That meant the place was crowded but it’s a theme park—what do you do? We got in as quickly as we could and made our way to the first rides in the park.

We began with the River Rampage, one of two water rides in the park where one is guaranteed to get soaked to the bone. The temperature was about 80 degrees at 10 AM so it was worth our time to get a little wet before the rest of the day’s activities.

My kids loved the River Rampage. I was not necessarily a fan, but I’m not doing this for me. I’m doing it for my kids. I would continue to tell myself this when my daughter wanted to get on roller coasters.

Speaking of roller coasters, they’re a bit divisive in our family. There’s a picture I have from a recent visit to Disney World that tells my entire family’s opinion on roller coasters in a single picture. My daughter is living her best life in the photo, giggling and waving her arms on the “Guardians of the Galaxy” coaster. My wife is smiling and happy. I look like I’m bracing for impact on a crash and my son has his head buried next to me, afraid to look.

So I was naturally the one person who got picked to go on all the roller coasters with my daughter. Remember how I said I was doing this for my kids? Apparently that includes me telling myself I’ll get thrown around at high speeds, take 90 degree drops, and go upside down backwards if my princess demands it.

Which I did. Repeatedly. After three rounds on the “Mystery Mine,” “Big Bear Canyon,” and the “Blazing Fury” I was ready to sit down for a few minutes.

Fortunately, if you do need to sit for awhile at Dollywood, you’re guaranteed to be entertained. The park has many musical acts that put on shows hourly, and several times during the day you can treat yourself to an exotic bird show. Turns out Dollywood is home to the largest collection of bald eagles that can’t be released to the wild. And bald eagles, if you’ve never seen one up close, are pretty badass.

When it was time to eat, our options were plentiful as long as we didn’t mind elevated cholesterol. Dollywood is the one place that you can eat a stick of deep fried butter and not be judged for your poor life decisions. We didn’t opt for that; we chose to eat at a burger joint near the front of the park because my kids will eat any burger, no matter how bad.

Fortunately these burgers were pretty tasty and all the toppings were fresh.

After lunch we tried to hit the River Rampage again as the other big water ride was closed that day. The heat had gotten to a point where the ride now sported a two hour wait. We opted to pour cups of water over our heads and do other non-water-ride related stuff. If you think about it, that’s basically the same effect as getting on the actual ride without the wait in stifling heat.

The rather embarrassing part of all this was that Dolly decided some time between when I was last there and this trip to install fans that blow cool mists of water on park goers. If I’d know those existed, I would’ve stood under one for thirty seconds, cooled off, and not looked like a dumbass.

We left long before the crowds decided it was time to go and clogged up the trams back to the parking lot. It was a smart move; both kids were ready to call it by 3 pm.

They’re little, after all, and walking all over the side of a mountain was enough for them.

If you get the chance to go to Dollywood, I highly recommend it. It’s not as expensive as Disney and the roller coasters are more exciting if that’s your thing. Plus you’re going to make Dolly Parton happy if you go to Dollywood, and she’s the kind of person you want to keep happy.

Or so I hear. Just saying.

Anyway, that’s all for this week, folks! Have a great weekend, and remember: no matter how bad the week was, at least you weren’t getting slammed into a harness at G-force speeds because you want to make a ten year old happy!

We’ll see you next time!