A veteran goes into a job interview with the USDA.
He sits down with the interviewer. “This is pretty straightforward,” the interviewer says. “I’ll ask you some questions. Your answers will be assigned points. If you get enough points you get the job. Make sense?”
The veteran nods.
“We can start with an obvious one. You’re a veteran, so that’s five points. Do you have any allergies?”
“I’m allergic to coffee,” the veteran replies.
“Okay, that’s another five points. Do you have any disabilities?”
“Yeah, sort of. I lost both of my testicles in an IED explosion in Afghanistan.”
The interviewer checks off another box and says “Okay, that’s fifteen points total. I can definitely offer you the job. It’s from 8 to 5 Monday through Friday but I want you to come in at 10 on Monday.”
“Why ten if it’s from eight to five?” the veteran asks.
“Sir, this is a government job. All we do for the first two hours each day is drink coffee and scratch our balls, and since you can’t do either…”
It’s the close of World War 2 and an American soldier is on a train going from France to England.
He searches for an empty seat on the train—he’s quite tired from all the fighting—but there’s nothing to be had. The closest thing he can spot to an empty seat is one being occupied by a high society lady’s frou-frou dog.
“Ma’am,” the soldier says as he approaches the woman, “I’m on my way home from the war, there’s not another seat on this train, and I’m so very tired. Could you please move your dog so I can sit down?”
The woman scoffs indignantly. “Americans! So rude and presumptuous!”
The solider hears this, decides he wants nothing to do with the woman, so he makes another lap of the train. With no seats becoming available, he finds himself back in front of the high society lady.
“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you again, but there’s no other seats on this train. I’m extremely tired and just want to sit for a little while. Could you please move your dog?”
Again the woman scoffs indignantly. “It looks like Americans can’t take no for an answer either!”
On hearing this the soldier closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. After uttering a short prayer to God asking forgiveness, he then picks up the dog, throws the yappy little mutt out of the train window, and finally sits down to rest.
The woman screams for someone on the train to defend her honor.
A British gentleman who witnessed everything approaches the soldier. Shaking his head, he says “My dear boy, you Americans seem to have a knack for doing everything the wrong way. You eat food with your fork in the wrong hand, you drive on the wrong side of the road, and now you’ve gone and thrown the wrong bitch off the train!”
I know I said two. Here’s one more I just thought of.
A man orders a latte at Starbucks. He takes a sip and immediately spits it out.
“Ma’am? This coffee tastes like mud,” he complains to the barista.
The barista shrugs her shoulders and says “Well, it was just ground this morning!”
That should get us through the day. If anyone’s got any decent jokes, feel free to share ‘em.
Happy Friday, everyone! Remember, no matter how bad your week’s been, at least you weren’t a nearly eighty year old white guy with a Snidely Whiplash mustache spotted at the New York Stock Exchange in a lavender suit and doo-rag!
We’ll see you next week!
Discover more from Simple Justice
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
I stole this off of Instagram:
Person one: Bread is a lot like the sun.
Person two: In what way?
Person one: Its rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
Person two: I didn’t knead this today!
President Biden has ordered the Secret Service to wake him immediately in the event of any emergency.
Even if he’s in a cabinet meeting…
Oh, it’s dad jokes you want?
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
A pool table.
I found a wooden shoe in the toilet.
It was clogged.
So you’re saying your jokes are apparent?
How about this?
A patron asks the librarian if they have a book about Pavlov and Schrodinger’s cat.
“Yes, sir, that book rings a bell, but I don’t know if it is here or not.”
Convenience Fee.
>It’s the close of World War 2 and an American soldier is on a train going from France to England.
I don’t really want to be that guy, but…
So the air is a little thick. C’mon man. . .
I raised that question to Chris, to which he replied “comedic license.” Worked for me.
Don’t back down – the American soldier is on a train. He – not the train – is going from France to England. Presumably he’ll take ship at the coast to continue the trip. Or wait a half century or so for the Chunnel.
Aside#1: Do you keep all these in a dad-a-base?
Aside#2: There is simply no way a GI allergic to coffee would survive Basic Training, let alone actual assignments….
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels.
“Never let a thing like facts get in the way of a good story.”
–Old Redneck Proverb
A couple came to mind, but I’ll go with what my English ex-wife referred to as “The Scottish Joke”.
You have to imagine the accent with this one:
A man walks into the bakers, has a look at all the pastries, etc. then addresses the girl behind the counter
(Pointing) Hey, can you tell me if that’s a doughnut or a meringue?
She replies
Naw, you’re right, it’s a doughnut.
Ok, another.
Woman goes into the butchers, checks out the various meats and asks
Is that yer Ayrshire bacon?
Naw, just warming my hands on the radiator.
Cheered me up a little on a Friday, Chris. Long may it continue.
Why does Bruce Banner not lose his pants when he becomes The Hulk?
All the experiments altered his jeans.
From Woody Allen via the internet… Allen is thanking people for coming to see his jazz band at a club so he told this joke: A guy walks into his bedroom and his friend is in bed with his wife…. “Sam!! I have to but you?!!!
Ollie and Lena notice a new church opening in town and attend services and really like what they hear. Afterwards they ask the new preacher if they might join the church having really liked services and preaching. They are told before joining church they have abstain from sex for four weeks. OK says Ollie. 1st week goes by and preachers asks Ollie hows it going and Ollies says,”OK pastor but I think we can do it.” 2nd week and Ollie tells pastor that, “This is much harder than I thought!” Just two more weeks..3rd week and the preachers asks again how are they doing? Ollie reply’s “Don’t know if I can make it, I’m sleeping with the cows in the barn so I can avoid sleeping in house!” One more week Ollie and your in, just one more week. 4th Sunday and after service in done the preacher asks Ollie, “Did you abstain the whole time?” Ollie answers honestly, “Well I saw Lena bending over to get something out of the frezzer and I couldn’t help myself I lifted her dress and we went at it right there on the floor!” Well, I’m sorry Ollie but we can’t let you join the church the preacher replied. Well they won’t let us back in the Piggly Wiggly no more either Ollie says